Last night was a disappointment. My usual man not on else he would have called by now or texted, his phone is only off like that if he has been busted or something gone wrong. So I got what is known as 'pub grub' and went to....a crap pub expecting to see a good band and find some fun company to hang out with but the band played commercial shit and though I got slightly high it wasn't enough, a gram of my usual would have got me high. And I had been good all week, saving for Saturday.
Well if he (and these and Mr ---- my lovely ex lover) but my dealer does not get back I will find another source and make sure it is decent. Next week I will hang out in another bar I know where they play the stuff I like, alternative rock, punk etc (I would have gone there last night but I could not be arsed to go as it's the other side of town). And the crowd there are more lively can dance as much as I can, unlike that bunch of squares last night who stood still and wouldn't even strike up a conversation, save for a couple exceptions but they weren't the kind I like to hang with. And by that I don't mean rich men with inflated egos, I know the joint to find them and I steer clear. They hang out in expensive nightclubs, discos. I like dance music to go out, or some of it at least, but the men you get in such clubs can be such jerks buy you drinks then expect a shag at the end....maybe I want a bit more, a gram or more than a one night stand with some jerk. Last time I was hurt bout Mr---- and the gip when they left together a young man, good looking chatted me up, said we could get some gear we could get none but I paid the cab fare and had to walk home new years day. And yes, I shagged him cos I was hurt and lonely, and when I have been coked out of my brains and I get abandoned my sex drive stays so a good looking stranger will do. I act like Blanche Du Bois out of the 'Streetcar' movie. A lot of meanings in that film, I wrote an essay about that for the arts and lit degree I did not complete.
I can watch any movie and see the innuendoes the director no doubt intended but most of the audience will miss....yet the main plot can go right over my head with my attention to small detail. Like all the sexual symbolism in the 'Towering Inferno' which most people see as just a disaster movie. The same director made Posedion...which was about disaster by water...and a boat is a feminine symbol? Could have been no accidental slip on his part.
I used to read a lot of Freud and psycho-analysis. Oh yeah, Mr---- claimed to have a degree in psychology as he is so good at sexual reverse psychology. But he can't be that good or he'd have more control, control freak he is, and uses his money his house and his damn coke to control women then calls them 'filthy coke whores' who use him and plays the victim. Then why the hell is his chat up on the phone 'come over, I got some great gear', brags about his money and his gadgets. Fucking AOR. Is it that hip to be square?
But I wrote a short unpublished book some years back while coked up, it was actually stimulating my writing. Controlled small doses do act as a performance enhancer, it is only when you get shit wrecked that you start to get scatty and everything and lose things, including your mind eventually. Great track by the Pixies where is my mind.
I am writing this quickly so my grammar may not be that good and I may be rambling. But my book on Freud was all over the place, from topic to topic. I dreamt of 'overthrowing the collective Father figure superego' as I was well into Herbert Marcuse, Reich etc in those days. Oh, and when I wrote that stuff I did not know that Freud had been a cokehead as well for a time....when it was cheap, pure and legal. Those were the days.
As for my California theme of late it is where the likes of Mr ----- will belong, the flash houses, swimming pools in each garden, 4x4s, summer nights (so hot) and lots of coke. His paradise.....but the West Coast crowd I have heard can be pretentious, at least the wealthy ones. Most of the Americans I met come from the East and I get on with them....hell, they can out talk me without coke!
Catch up soon, wish you all well xx
Ps as for all my vids they express my mind, and in a way tell my story when I cannot be bothered or do not feel like writing. Lazy shortcut but hell I am a music lover....so it is me x