Hope you all had a good holiday and wish you all the best for a happy 2012. I know I am a fool and it seems I just love jerks along with candy dust....I can't seem to help it. I posted those Edie Sedgewick videos as the amount of times in my life I have heard that warning...'think he cares about, you are disposable, property, he'll kill you one day emotionally mentally literally whatever'.....and my answer has normally been 'But I care about him' or something similiar.
He put that bitch on the phone to me over Xmas before I saw her there with my own eyes. After being off my nut I performed an act for his entertainment I would probably not have done straight, in fact I know I would not have. But what the hell he gave me the best orgasm of my life but the pain that came the next day, when he walked off with her with guilt on his face, using the excuse 'he was off his head'. He said the same thing the next day on the phone, after which I pulled him up about her, as I had done by text. I know it is impossible for the man to be faithful to anyone, I have sussed that. But he knows I have not wanted other women in my face, literally or metaphorically. I may be slightly bi but she was not my type.
The previous night the bitch said to me 'we're going home for a fuck'. I was outraged, close to hitting her but violence is not my thing. I was tempted to throw my drink over him as well. But I freaked slightly anyway at him, had he not known he was wrong he would not have called the next day with something that resembled the closest thing I will get to an apology.
The woman is more desperate than I am and will do more, but I can at least be reassured her days are numbered. I have more to offer including a heart and some level of decent conversation, it aint just sex. And I am even better at that than she is! it just feels like an insult that he chose to spend time with....that...rather than me. He is one of those cokeheads who says he hates smackheads, in fact he banned me from saying the word in his presence. Yet he has had a smackhead with him and asked me to obtain her meth as she had missed her script as I had mine...but I not touched H for ages, she was bang on only a few weeks back.
Coke increases one's sex drive and I am no exception. To quote Blondie 'you know that I like danger and a stranger is alright'. So I acted like a slut, jumped in a couple of cars with a few strangers, one of the men was quite good looking. He paid me for just oral sex but I asked him to go the full way on the car seat. And I liked it. I've gotten enjoyment out of that work before when whichever jerk I am in love with has left me frustrated and whichever stranger I meet is ok looking and decent in that sense. Never mind I likely not see them again.
So back to the bar the other night, I ended near to tears and another girl spoke to me whose fella had pulled the same stunt on her the same night, new years eve. She told me she was going to retaliate by pulling another man and suggested I did the same. A man near half my age chatted me up so I went back to his, asked could we score some coke and we couldn't as it was late. But he did me anyway.
Meanwhile I have a stalky client who pesters me, he posed as my friend, I confided my problems which he now uses against me. 'You don't love him, all you love is candy dust'.....that I am unfaithful, disloyal and just use the man I claim to love for the ultimate reward of money. In which case why have I offered to go there even if there is no coke and offered to chip in where there is? Ok, he used to pay me but not now, those days have gone. I am supposed to be stopping turning tricks but have no other income at present, and was meant to be working in some sense with him, be it errands or whatever. But his latest slave for gold won't last. He is just using her. Meanwhile the stalker is unreal, no matter what I say or do I am wrong. As for the man....he says hats off to him for doing a good job in making me love him, cos I will never love that stalking creep and he knows it. Hence the jealousy. I am unfaithful?? Was he capable of being faithful I would not dream of going with other men, but the fact he has rubbed other women in my face (though I knew I was not exclusive) hurt me so much and left me so frustrating. A few nights alone in my room waiting by the phone and crying were enough for me. The first time I was there close to two weeks and he flew into a rage and threw me out I rang him later and told him that a guy had laughed me and said 'he's probably getting his cock sucked by someone else'. He told me 'Oh darling, you know that is not true'.....what is the man doing? He knows I have been hurt, either he is playing games or just does not care, but he admits he plays games.
But I am slowing down, party has halted for now. Can't wait til all tomorrows but need to get my life and my writing on track, also do some music. So fewer drugs will mean fewer men.
I am getting shot of this stalker and meeting a friend for a beer tonight. All the best for the new year and I hope you all wish me well. I may be a fool but I won't give up on myself, despite being a sex mad coke fiend who has the additional problem of loving jerks, or codependency, call it what you will. Have a good night xx