I am trying my best to get myself together with what I do best creatively that does not involve shagging men....but the demon on my shoulder is still there. I can't get any 'scooby snacks' there is a drought on here and for the first time in ages I was tempted to use crack as a substitute cos at least it is a variant even if short lived and crap...I did the right thing and got out of town for a bit cos when I am in that hostel full of worse dopeheads than myself I can't stop thinking about it.
I can't stop popping pills but they are losing their effect. When I woke with nothing I started missing Mr ----- and hoped he would call and got upset over him again though I know he is one class a jerk. Nobody knows what I am going through, the so called 'support workers' at that shithole do not have a clue....they work with dope fiends yet think heroin and cocaine are the same thing as they are 'class a drugs'?. Yeah right. So is Lsd you idiots.
Suggested to me I find a man who NEVER takes drugs....I commented I have found plenty of men who use coke and drink weekends only or limit consumption to once a month, she said she has 'never known any'. I then said 'but you have only known men on heroin', to which she replied 'yes'. Therefore she understands nothing. Cocaine addiction,, although it has a physical element (i.e you feel tired, hungry from all that time not eating sleeping) but you do get physical withdrawals like from heroin. And bear in mind I have been a smackhead as well in past....all those people have is sociology degrees. Tired I may be, unhappy but I am not climbing the walls gagging puking for my supply, which I would be if heroin was my drug. Ask any heroin addict. Cold turkey is worse than what I am going through now. I have been there. So how could middle class sociologists who have never lived my life or that of any dope fiend dare to make dumb ass comments. That joint has fucked me up more. I tried crystal meth for the first time which I said I would never try....don't go there it is bad news, friends. I keep begging them to help me out of there as I have nothing can't get money save from begging stealing borrowing and I can't sell sex at pres while my head is like this....they have the power to get me a loan from council for deposit, budgeting loan and a grant for 'ex offenders' lol. Oh and btw the former housing association have classified me as a 'sex offender' too lol. Makes me think of the Blondie song 'X offender'. Yeah give me my rights.
I do my candy weekends, unless I hook up with some bad cokehead who is bang on it all the time, plays on my weakness and then I end up with a habit almost as big as his. My ex did it now Mr ---- has done it as well. I am stronger than these jerks and will prove to be. Including the housing association jerks who are private landlords posing as charities.....soon my journalistic mind will write article to expose these scams. Making a profit out of dopeheads who are already fucked, bullying them and making them pay top up rent to stay in what are like open jails....how fucking low?
My only crime has been to take drugs and shag men for dollar....I did not try to beat anyone to death. My ex tried to do that to me. He got away with it. I am still doing time for him and I want the sentence to end.
I want no straight boring teetollar of a man and won't be one myself, I am who I am anyone who doesn't like it can stick it where the sun don't shine, nobody can make me change, only I can modify my excess and learn some self discipline and by hell I am trying.