I know it has been a while since I have written...but the good news is that every emotion I had for that motherfucker that helped me ruin myself has gone forever.
The other news is....I don't know if it is good or bad. My last post was intended to be about my struggle with alcohol (mental, not physical), and how that is more of a killer for me. I can't get drunk and am not always a happy drunk...at times it acts as it's function....a downer, depressent. I don't like downers unless they are to...help me come down from my ups.
But I won't deny I am an alcoholic as well as a drug addict....and cocaine will not destroy my liver as booze does. And I don't enjoy the latter as much....perhaps I should smoke weed instead.
But I have for the first time in my life fallen in love with a guy I met as a client....and a rich one too. He is a cokehead and and an alcoholic too but a rich one, so he does not need my shit money. I don't want his.....I just want the love and afffection, the sex with emotion that I have craved for since I have had to be a single sex worker. I want out of that industry and have plans of getting out...but my recent crisis has stopped them going forward, as will be explained later.
I lose count of how many grams of coke we got through that fortnight between us.....and we drank a hell of a lot. He had ceased to be a client for a while as I stopped asking for cash, just company and a good time....and obviously I did not supply the coke. But I shagged him for the first time without a rubber, told him what I wanted and liked....and it was good. I like being with intelligent funny men who can dominate me without being abusive....he fit into those boxes. I tried not to get my hopes up too much....but I can't get the man out of my head.
We had been up for five nights and both out moods were volatile, he also had a few mates round. Try spending the evening straight with a bunch of cokeheads and see who can talk over the others the most or dominate the conversation.....you see what I am getting at.
Anyway, we scored some diazepam so we could try to mellow. We had already had a few drug fuelled rows....but I made the fatal mistake of taking his diazes without asking, I know I was wrong but I had been sharing mine with him besides the fact I thought he had more or was getting more....but he got mad. The situation escalated and he threw me out with only a tenner in my pocket, no drugs. I phoned him he promised to meet me the next day....he switched on me and decided he was still angry as I disturbed his neighbours who had been shit stirring.....the man upstairs disliked me and thought I was yet another one of his coke whores (no mistake, but I thought I was a special one lol.....)...but seriously I did bond with this man who I had known for a long time but only recently got to know properly. I thought something might happen.....I had unprotected sex which he knows I never do with clients. And I snuggled up to him in bed for the first time.....anyone can read the look in my eyes.
That is why I am gutted to be back in the hostel, back in street prostitution to obtain my needs plus my habit. He is blankibng me...and I have heard he has had other women round since. But I am praying it was not all a game on his part, to make me grovel and offer sex for free......I regard myself as a hard nut to crack and I have NEVER fallen in love with clients, normally it has been the reverse.
But this man has won....he has beat me at the game, I hold my white flag up. I just want a happy ending story this time....and I am unable to bond with 'nice', 'normal' etc men, I can only relate to fuck ups like myself, rich or poor.
Get in touch motherfucker and stop blanking the woman who loves you, I am already close to despair that you have already been shagging other women while I have been crying, rattling etc. I don't want another broken heart, ok?
4 years ago