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Thursday, 29 December 2011

Blame

At the root of it I know I am not to blame in any other sense for letting that man take me for a ride I will never forget. The jerk probably thinks I will go back as soon as he clicks his fingers. He is wrong. I will be no man's fool again.

The other Monday he texted me sounding upset, I called him. He asked me to go round and party as he had a bad week and just wanted to get shitfaced. I told him I was cleaning my room, he told me just get sorted. So I did. He used to come out and meet me paying for the taxi, not this time. I went up to find him on the phone and he ended telling me to go through his change as I had no money.

I had already found out from another source that he had another hooker round that Friday and Saturday. His kitchen was a tip when I found it, I began by putting the glasses in a pile. Ok we had a good time but it was on his terms. In between getting high, getting fucked etc I acted as his personal secretary and cleaner, there was shitloads of washing up and an empty rubber packet in a glass. Thursday came, and I had told him I wanted out of the sex trade as it causes men to treat me like shit, and there is no hope of finding a good relationship while in it. He will only have currently working hookers as fuck buddies, can't tie him down while you shag other men for money or he will go with other hookers. So he said he would get me some work, and by that evening we would both have money and the other. I need not work in the sex trade any more.

He had rushed me out of bed that morning, I needed my pills first to function and he knew that. They were in his drawer as he likes to take them too, so he gave me a couple then sent me down to the kitchen while he made business calls. Not long after a company employee showed up, I was told to get into the kitchen while she was ordered upstairs. I spoke to her briefly, unperturbed as I was getting to know what he is like. I commented that she talks as much as me, he said don't she just. I mopped the filthy floor after sweeping it. A glass had broken and he had stepped in a bit the previous night, told me it would not be forgotten that I had not swept up properly.

He told me I had to go as there were some guys coming round I did not want to meet, I'd have to come back later when they had gone. I said they did not have to see me, I could hide in the bedroom. During those three days as well as all the other stuff I had to talk bullshit to the hostel people persuading them not to kick me out as my room was a tip from a party there Sunday. I said to him weren't we meant to be doing things together all day, I was told the rules had changed. So I went down to finish making the small breakfast I was meant to make both of us. He flew into a rage when he saw I not only had failed to wash the dishes that would not fit in the dishwasher but also failed to clean the lounge his poker buddies left in a mess.

I knew why he was being like this, he would not have gotten away with it before. He did it cos he knew he could as I had feelings for him. The man is so cheeky it is unreal. He ordered me to clear the mess I had made in the bedroom (I have never left a mess in his room). He said I either had to chip in from now on or pull my weight, I was prepared to do both. He wouldn't lend me any money (the man who once used to pay me to jerk him off!) so threw me out giving me a tenner for a taxi ride home. He knew I would not spend it on a cab, that after our drinking session I would want alcohol. I had no tablets, no drugs at all, and he admits if he stopped taking all he did straight away he would turkey, as he needs tablets as well.

But I still kept asking myself what had I done wrong. But he is impossible to please and would have found something at some point to flip over.

Don't get me wrong, the man can be good company, I wouldn't have gone back if he wasn't, and he's ok in the sack. But it's not worth all the downsides. I'm gonna distance myself for sure. If he carries on with his attitude he will never find the love and happiness he claims to crave. It will be his loss.

He did not call me back that night as promised, I had one text from him saying he was ok just had 'a lot on', prior to Saturday's lovely gift. No more needs to be said about this now really. A happy new year to all my readers, and I aint being a slave to any jerk.

Oh, I forgot how many grams of coke we got through...which he says I have now to work my arse off for (and I don't mean sex work, as it ceased to be work with him) or chip in. But it sure was enough to give me a craving for more, the days when I haven't had any have been fewer than the days I have, when I had managed to cut it down to weekends and paydays for a while.....and he knows what I have to do to get it. All this from a man who is rich....but in debt and falling into negative equity. Felt so angry I could have smashed his flash car up but I won't do anything dumb.

But I am a fool for going along for the ride and falling in love with a jerk.

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