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Thursday, 22 December 2011

Am I a Fool or Just....

I texted 'Summerboy' yesterday just to say I had a letter belonging him, after not hearing a word for over 10 days and thinking it may be the end....surprise he texted me back said he is fine and fine with me too, I aint pissed him off he has just 'had a lot on'. I replied no problem, I quite understand as I am pretty busy myself, just can't help but worry about my friends, and just said call me sometime soon, we'll see when, you will probably know when there is a slight gap in my writing for a week or so. Would be nice to have a white christmas together but I will see what happens and not bank on it, as I don't know his plans and not sure what mine are, will have to take it as it comes. But to quote Lady Gaga seems we will still have the summer after all....whenever it comes, be it this week or next.

Meanwhile I have a besotted client who stated openly he 'wishes he was him'. I got a bit over friendly with this guy and should not have done....now the only way I can call a halt to it is to say no more, I won't do anything with this guy even if I have no money I will look elsewhere, and the fact I was staying with this guy to get away from the hostel as it was quieter made him expected to pay him in kind....and the fact he only has one room, I could not sleep one night and disturbed him allegedly makes me liable for him having to take the week off work. I am now a selfish bitch, slut, every name under the sun and the worse prick tease on earth. I was an idiot not wanting to be on my own, and hell every time I've gone there I've offered some coke if I have some, which he normally declines but accepted last time. He is full of mouth as well. This guy knows I do not enjoy shagging him....but in his delusions he believes I love it with every other client. 'Have fun shagging men for money or drugs' the other night were his words.I said it is not 'fun' but work, a means to an end. He asked how shagging men in return for coke is 'work'....to which I responded ideally cash plus a bit of the other is ideal, cash alone is indeed work, but if I want to get high I will spend my money that way anyhow so it makes no odds, is just a short cut if anything and how I choose to spend my money is my business. It gets more absurd, saying that makes me a 'selfish bitch'. This man is getting pissed off cos he is failing to make me fall for him....he is a client not a friend as he has never helped me out for nothing, any offers of financial help when I have been at my lowest have required payback.

Meanwhile...last night a male friend of mine who wanted nothing gave me some money as an Xmas gift and did not ask how I intended to spend it.. I have been good to myself, done my nails, new clothes, hair and everything so it has not all been blown on drugs. Now that is a friend, cash for an xmas gift and he wanted nothing back from me at all. However friendly they may try to get, tricks always think as tricks and have one thing on their mind. Whereas true friends give without expecting anything back. I give to my friends in that way and keep no record sheet. With clients they keep a track sheet as no matter what sweet talk they give to get cheaper it is always a business transaction, so never forget that girls if you are in that trade. I guess we all know that but make the odd error of judgement, especially if you are a warm hearted person who has a warm friendly nature and is naturally inclined to see the best in folks. I know I can be selfish, which may partly be a result of my addictions and greed, but that does not change my basic nature, and there are guys out there who play on it, as I have learnt too well.

I told the besotted client he will never be my summerboy so to stop the idea now, and by continuing to do the business I am only encouraging it. I have never been anything but honest with him.....when doing the act my heart and mind have been elsewhere and I told him. At first he kept saying 'I like shagging you, I think you like shagging me too'....I used to humour him so as not to lose a client but I drew a barrier so as not to let him get silly, but obviously I should have been clearer. Then he knew the brutal truth.....he said he did not care as it 'turns him on' to shag someone else's girlfriend anyway. Well, it sure don't turn me on to shag other women's boyfriends, so god knows where this guy's head is at. Friends do not complain to me that my business transactions have been 'crap'....to quote the words of this little charmer. I won't say mixing business with pleasure can always apply to that industry unless you are totally cold and play dead...which I don't. But I keep my distance, there is a difference between a lover and a client. Once that line is crossed there is no going back, as I know.

Anyway, I did get some work last night, got a bit more cash plus a little something else so all is ok for now, and I hope myself and all my readers will have a good xmmas whatever, mine won't be like last year for sure when I was with that little paper gangsta who fucked off for the day because he was ashamed for me to meet his family....who got presents at my expense. But that is the past.

Meanwhile my new years resolution is to work on my writing, get some paid blogging and some stuff on the pc, and write some pulp fiction and erotica and find a market for it. I have many ideas and some unpublished material as is, plus my lyrics.

Have a good evening all, catch up soon. I may be off to see my friends gig tonight, hope I enjoy. Til Later xxx

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