How dare that talentless chav who only got her crap career started via her rich daddy's connections try to copy Amy and have the nerve to diss her? Bitch!
Indeed she is a fucking fake, sad ass stripper indeed! Who the fuck she thinks she is? Just like Jentina...first two singles catchy tunes but crap lyrics and all her other songs suck. Jentina's first single was catchy but the rest is crap. Maybe they should get together? And foul mouthed Lil stop dissing people with REAL talent who are not fakes like you?
The bitch admitted she was jealous of Amy cos Lily has troub with her weight...how insecure can you get? If she had talent what fucking dress size she has should not matter, copying Amy's behive, trying to imitate her voice....fucking fake indeed. Screw her and Jentina both.
Amy may be gone but she still lives on through her music....sad ass Lil is still on this planet and how big is her fan base? Who had the most talent and sold the most records? Nobody has to answer that question cos they know.
Fuck you Lily you fake bitch! I don't wish you a happy new year. No, I can't say no to drugs, I smoke etc but I don't need you or Jentina to teach me how to party. Amy had the attitude and the talent....you don't. RIP Amy we love you forever x
A happy new year to all my readers, hope you all have fun tonight whatever you are doing. Not got any certain plans for yet but am going to get a bit of gear and go out anyway, fuck it. I texted that woman from the other night who said she might be up for going out, then maybe I can get to candyman lol.....depending on his feelings at this precise moment which we know are volatile. He was sharing anecdotes the other night with her about the amount of coke him and I had done together, then was sharing with me ones about her. They'd had some great gear, my first question was where is it? He likes to make us wait. After it finished we wanted some more but as we were not the ones with the money it was not up to us, and he needed some sleep anyway, as you know is why I had to leave. But I left my phone charger there by accident can't fork out on another and I've had hookers show up when I've been there who have accidently left things so if need be I go get it.
I know all this is surreal. I have plans for the new year to reduce my consumption (demanding of myself to totally quit is too much, I've got by before by limiting it to weekends) and work on my writing and get back into playing music again, which has been neglected, repractise what I do know and learn some more, have some new lyrics but no chords as yet. Only have an acoustic guitar at pres which one string needs changing but no big project to buy and change one string! It has too much wire which makes it hard to tune and it goes out well easy. And I have some great ideas for some writing, enough material from my own life to publish anon, enough from this damn blog alone.
Know now that candyman would be impossible to live with full time, likely I would not be able to play or write there, just be at his beck and call to get high with him when he wants and other times do his errands and chores, I'd have no 'me' time but he'd find time for himself.....with other women or his buddies if he can't bear his own company and I (or whichever woman gets in his bed) starts to grate on him. Least I have sussed that.
Hope we all have a good 2012, and let's have a good party tonight wherever we be! I will with or without him! All the best xx
Reason does not always control what I do, the demon beckons and I follow.
He called last night, same woman there as before, from same profession as me. It was 3.30 am she was rattling again, asked could I help. I said at first no it be difficult that time of night.....but then thought of someone I could try for some pills. Although they weren't quite enough they were enough to make her feel better, so I got a taxi to his.
He was off his nut as usual, put a bottle of amyl nitrates under my nose to sniff and they were strong. I nearly fell over and he caught me. Went to bedroom and got on ok with the woman, surprisingly. Seemed he put her up cos she had nowhere to go, she wants out of sex trade too but is taking each day as comes, pretty much as I am. With amyl nitrates we just ended up in stitches, and he spoke about his greatest pleasures, sex and drugs. Then came out the coke.
Nobody knew before that I can swing both ways, they do now. He wanted to watch, it was his idea. He'd had too much to perform fully but men have hands so we all had a good time. Went with her down to the steam room we wanted him to join but he was too wrecked by then so we went and chatted. She'd been there 10 days, longest I had was roughly a fortnight, followed by four a week later. Seems I got threw out because I failed to clean his whole place and also wasn't very willing to have him have other hookers round while I was there, but on my last day I came round to idea as fantasy. He made it real ok. This woman not only cleaned his place but didn't mind him having several other women there either. Never thought I would meet more of a martyr than myself, maybe that's why we clicked. Don't know how he felt about us making friends, he probably expected the jealousy that happened last time when he invited someone round with me there, we did not get along and nothing took place, she left pretty pissed off. Maybe that's why I've gone down on the list, but she says he does not have a bad word to say about me and thinks the world of me, after I asked if she knew about him throwing me out those times and she did. I feel a bit bad for slating him but I was upset. Perhaps in his own way he does think the world of me (or us), but men with coke fuelled egos can be selfish and thoughtless, as I well know. Take or leave, that's the way it is. We both told him jokingly he was an animal, a monster who was corrupting us and he laughed and said we were the corrupters.
As she had nowhere to stay and seemed to be top of the list now I had to go and I think she wanted me to, I don't blame her was I her I would want me to go. He told me was he not so wrecked I could stay but maybe the two of us would grate on him after a while. Truly think he does not intend to hurt anyone but men don't think like women, especially after a bit too much. Oh well. Don't know if I am a loon but I sure aint the only one. I should have cleaned the house and not taken his pills that time without asking, and been less possessive as the man can't be faithful. Lol xx
I am a crap hooker cos I have a heart and values.....and principles. This sums it up.....why I can be crap at what I do and men take from me often more than I take cos I don't have a heart of fucking stone x
At the root of it I know I am not to blame in any other sense for letting that man take me for a ride I will never forget. The jerk probably thinks I will go back as soon as he clicks his fingers. He is wrong. I will be no man's fool again.
The other Monday he texted me sounding upset, I called him. He asked me to go round and party as he had a bad week and just wanted to get shitfaced. I told him I was cleaning my room, he told me just get sorted. So I did. He used to come out and meet me paying for the taxi, not this time. I went up to find him on the phone and he ended telling me to go through his change as I had no money.
I had already found out from another source that he had another hooker round that Friday and Saturday. His kitchen was a tip when I found it, I began by putting the glasses in a pile. Ok we had a good time but it was on his terms. In between getting high, getting fucked etc I acted as his personal secretary and cleaner, there was shitloads of washing up and an empty rubber packet in a glass. Thursday came, and I had told him I wanted out of the sex trade as it causes men to treat me like shit, and there is no hope of finding a good relationship while in it. He will only have currently working hookers as fuck buddies, can't tie him down while you shag other men for money or he will go with other hookers. So he said he would get me some work, and by that evening we would both have money and the other. I need not work in the sex trade any more.
He had rushed me out of bed that morning, I needed my pills first to function and he knew that. They were in his drawer as he likes to take them too, so he gave me a couple then sent me down to the kitchen while he made business calls. Not long after a company employee showed up, I was told to get into the kitchen while she was ordered upstairs. I spoke to her briefly, unperturbed as I was getting to know what he is like. I commented that she talks as much as me, he said don't she just. I mopped the filthy floor after sweeping it. A glass had broken and he had stepped in a bit the previous night, told me it would not be forgotten that I had not swept up properly.
He told me I had to go as there were some guys coming round I did not want to meet, I'd have to come back later when they had gone. I said they did not have to see me, I could hide in the bedroom. During those three days as well as all the other stuff I had to talk bullshit to the hostel people persuading them not to kick me out as my room was a tip from a party there Sunday. I said to him weren't we meant to be doing things together all day, I was told the rules had changed. So I went down to finish making the small breakfast I was meant to make both of us. He flew into a rage when he saw I not only had failed to wash the dishes that would not fit in the dishwasher but also failed to clean the lounge his poker buddies left in a mess.
I knew why he was being like this, he would not have gotten away with it before. He did it cos he knew he could as I had feelings for him. The man is so cheeky it is unreal. He ordered me to clear the mess I had made in the bedroom (I have never left a mess in his room). He said I either had to chip in from now on or pull my weight, I was prepared to do both. He wouldn't lend me any money (the man who once used to pay me to jerk him off!) so threw me out giving me a tenner for a taxi ride home. He knew I would not spend it on a cab, that after our drinking session I would want alcohol. I had no tablets, no drugs at all, and he admits if he stopped taking all he did straight away he would turkey, as he needs tablets as well.
But I still kept asking myself what had I done wrong. But he is impossible to please and would have found something at some point to flip over.
Don't get me wrong, the man can be good company, I wouldn't have gone back if he wasn't, and he's ok in the sack. But it's not worth all the downsides. I'm gonna distance myself for sure. If he carries on with his attitude he will never find the love and happiness he claims to crave. It will be his loss.
He did not call me back that night as promised, I had one text from him saying he was ok just had 'a lot on', prior to Saturday's lovely gift. No more needs to be said about this now really. A happy new year to all my readers, and I aint being a slave to any jerk.
Oh, I forgot how many grams of coke we got through...which he says I have now to work my arse off for (and I don't mean sex work, as it ceased to be work with him) or chip in. But it sure was enough to give me a craving for more, the days when I haven't had any have been fewer than the days I have, when I had managed to cut it down to weekends and paydays for a while.....and he knows what I have to do to get it. All this from a man who is rich....but in debt and falling into negative equity. Felt so angry I could have smashed his flash car up but I won't do anything dumb.
But I am a fool for going along for the ride and falling in love with a jerk.
I know my last posts have been a bit wacko...some people attract shit like a magnet and it seems I am one. If I truly want love and a happy life I should look elsewhere than to find men with enormous coke fuelled egos who think they can treat women like shit....but I don't seem to click with nice men. At times I am confused about what I want....
I have not been feeling well the last few days, partly because I overdid things and also because the last traces of opiates are out of system. I had no coke so used alcohol which made it worse so I spent yesterday puking. Feel pissed off that I missed a client who had money and fucking coke cos I was too ill to go anywhere, but maybe my body needed a rest, I just hope he calls back as it has been a long time.
Had that jerk texting yesterday sick messages, was too ill to see him too. Have to be careful with my big fat gob too, could get me in trouble with these jerks. I know I play with fire but I can't seem to stop at times. And if someone called me today I know I would go running back, despite the fact he has taken me for a ride..
I didn't have a bad time xmas day just was a shame I got ill at the end, and have so much shit on my mind. I hope you guys all had a good time. Let's hope we all have a happy and prosperous new year xx
Motherfuck....check how 'Frosty' comes after 'White Xmas'....dreaming of one like 'the ones before'. Frosty has to hurry on his way, but he be back another day so don't cry.. Sung by Ronnie Spector his then wife. At least he had the redeeming character of musical talent.
A happy xmas to all my friends....the part of an album by a coke fuelled ego maniac Phil Spector. I love the bit about him leaving a woman alone and the next track about 'Santa Clause' coming. I am alone with no fucking snow tonight had a decent day but the demon is on my shoulder. Seasons greetings, happy (white if you wish as I do) xmas and a prosperous new year x
By Leonard Cohen....and Phil Spector! I spoke the truth....what happened to his eyes, happened my beauty....happened to him. He aint on fb so he busy shagging some hooker and is making me know....I picked a Spector minus the music talent. 'He free as running water, the way it's got to be, lover'. Put a brave face but can't deny the man is doing my head in with his wonderful xmas gift of spending the night with another hooker who is a smackhead.....rather than the woman who fell in love with him.
A happy xmas to all my friends and followers. This song was produced by Phil Spector, with his wife Ronnie singing it.
Phil was a woman beater and a cokehead. I don't know if he wrote this song but I have a feeling who frosty is.....him?
Song bout a man with a cold heart cold eyes. Oh, but he makes people happy cos he has snow. Bet she had a good time....when he felt like it.
'Don't you cry, he'll be back again some day'. Indeed he will. But no more tears from me for Mr Frosty. Jerk had no decency to treat someone who actually gives a shit to a white xmas but gives it to another tart. Lovely.
I like his music but Phil Spector is one class a motherfucker. He is in jail for shooting a woman on his ranch. Any wonder I wish I had a gun myself at times? To quote PJ Harvey, I want to come to a different end than that. And god help me I will, any motherfucker who tries to fuck with me again has got it coming. Snow Queen is in vengeance mode I am angry as hell and it is not a pretty site.
Hope you all have a nice time, I have had a nice invite from a friend who has a wife I get on with and a lovely daughter. I will be ok without Frosty. All my love xx
He asked me to keep my work away from him and not mention tricks, but ok for him to rub his hookers in my face, not only talk of them but get them to ring me? Bastard.
Retro baby, it is all so 80s aint it? If I rang him and got a trick on the phone asking to help procure some candy dust I would be told to fuck off. But ok for him to do that to me at xmas of all time. One rule for him, another for me. Cos he got the cash and the dust, he who holds the capital has the power. Wait til I have some capital, my fortune cookie said I will be rich too next year and this phase of poverty be gone. Then I will get you, oh yes.
Sit back down where you belong in the corner of my bar with your high heels on......indeed. Oh, and the first time was on the bloody couch. Think I been underestimated, and that is a mistake to make with me. He knows I aint dumb, is probably why I had no reply to that text. And I have one of the bastards documents that he should and probably does want. He's playing games as usual. Just don't push me too far.
I posted poker face on here for a reason, because I am starting to beat the player at his bloody card games. And the man is a bad loser. Used to getting what he wants, when he wants it, now. Well next time I will keep him fucking waiting. Oh, but he might book another hooker but he pays if he wants me bad enough. Gonna revert to my old tactics if he treats me like a whore I'll treat him as a trick again. Two can play games, aint much fun playing solitaire, and he'll get bored alone with his poker buddies and so will they and wanna book some hookers or golddiggers.
Jerk. You are being a fool here, got to be in control cos you got the cash. Carry on this way you will never find the love you are looking for. We were meant to be an item and I would do some work and chip in, I run your fucking errands shopping cooking cleaning while pissed coked up etc. You lied when you said I stayed in bed all day while you fucking worked, you were off your nut as well. The mess in the lounge and the bar that you and your buddies was not mine to clear up, and finding used rubber packets in a glass in the kitchen that I did fucking clean wasn't too cool. And your mate joked 'at least somebody has been practising safe sex'. Cos I know you can't keep a hard on with a rubber on so at least I was reassured you were only getting your cock sucked in that orgy.
Two weeks of washing up, the kitchen was a tip but I cleaned it, you were unhappy as I failed to scrub every dish after the washer was full. I AINT YOUR FUCKING SLAVE GIRL!
And then having a go because I had not cleaned mess in lounge or bar after them....no wonder you fantasise about me wearing silly clothes. Sent shopping with a list had to get every item as 'not to make you mad'.
You stupid motherfucker. I am taking no more shit, I am nobody's clown. You have dissed me bigtime, and I will get you back for this. If you can be nothing but a bastard I can be a bitch from hell if that's what you want.
Wooing me with all your smooth talk, then when you got into my knickers you take that as a green light to be a motherfucker. You stupid man, carry on this way and you will never find the love you told me you crave. But insult me by implying I aint good enough, when you will never find anyone as caring loyal as me.
Been worried about you all week.....you told me you were fine just had a 'lot on'. Right. So comes the crunch. A 'lot on' meant you had other hookers round after we were meant to be an item, summerboy. I know now cos you pushed me over the edge. Tried to ruin my xmas eve didn't ya? Calling me to give me some hope after I texted you saying miss you hon, happy xmas. When you were on the phone you put me onto some hooker you had round to ask for the number where she could get.....opiates! When you know damn well I been off that shit, that I was only using as painkillers. The pain went as I was not getting beat any more. And this is a promise....you are damn lucky I am willing to see you again after tonights nasty stunt. You don't scare me cos I can play your game, you know I am not a dumb tart, in fact you claimed to respect my intelligence so treat it with some fucking respect from now on.
I don't care who else you see, despite the fact you horribly threw me out after we were meant to be an item and I was no longer a hooker as you had other work for me that came to nothing. I was promised all my dreams come true and you kicked me out in the rain with nothing. Go play with women's heads, and its easy to do it to hookers with nothing when you are Mr Rich, aint it. Cos of course you know we got no money just like getting shitfaced, while daddy is rich. Fuck this for a laugh. You lost me money the other week, just fed me with coke and booze and threw me out when you wanted some variety, shagging your secretary and then booking another hooker.
I HAVE NEVER IN ALL MY YEARS ON THIS PLANET MET SUCH A SELFISH ARROGANT MAN AS YOU! Nice xmas gift to know I have got another bastard, who was a real gentleman before he knew I had feelings for him. I don't want another paper gangsta, ok? Knowing my script etc, you did not like it when I said I know I've been played, first round to you, play on. Well, you are getting the queen of spades next time, not the queen of hearts again. As you've pulled a nasty card, you done an ace of spades on me. You know I am not thick so if you want to see me ever again no more bullshit stunts. And this is a promise, if you ever dare hit me I will be out of the door forever.
I can't attack you for pulling other hookers as you will be bound to turn that on me, asking what have I been doing while away. But I do it for money not out of love or desire. You have them round out of your twisted desire. I was in pieces earlier, I was gave a lift by this jerk who asked are you a brass? I said what the hell made him assume I was a hooker, he said he had seen me somewhere. I said I wondered where, as he looked familiar to me too. And said that tricks are in no position to insult or slate hookers, as no demand no supply, right? That shut him up, in front of his mates exposing the fact he pays for sex and made himself, not me, look a fool. They laughed at him. And then he still wanted me to go back with him after I got out the car, I had other things to do.
You don't like being associated with hookers either, at least not openly. Mr Big has his dirty little secrets but I will be nobody's dirty secret. I called the guy with the meth to ask him not to give any to any hookers tonight. Sorry whoever you were on the phone, me and him aint your fault sorry if you must suffer. I offered to bring some as to see nobody ill, and yes I wanted to see that prick too. But he knows what I can be like and knew I probably would be mean. And I felt angrier than I had ever done, the meth guy had never heard me so angry! But if you are staying there you gonna rattle and he ruined my night so he can have a lovely time with someone rattling in his bed. Guess he had taken my codeine as he likes to dabble a bit himself on the dark side when the light is fading, he kicked me out without those pills that I needed just to not puke up. Sorry if you have to puke, but sure he will bring you a bowl as he is being a gentleman with you right now, as he once was with me. He would not bring me a bowl now if I had food poisoning, sickness of whatever, he'd just say get the fuck into the bathroom and don't mess his carpet.
Bent over backwards for that man in several ways, including searching for hidden bags of coke in his bar, and getting under the bed to search for them, sorted through his mail, everything. A skivvy and a shagbag paid in coke and booze, then was even asked when would I chip in was promised work so I could chip in and was sent away with nothing. But I know you. You will call back, when your vengeance mood is over. You will get bored with the tarts who just go over for booze and drugs and have dull conversation, and you will miss my 'intelligent company' when it doesn't scare you to hell knowing you met your match. And then watch me pull the Queen of Spades.
I texted 'Summerboy' yesterday just to say I had a letter belonging him, after not hearing a word for over 10 days and thinking it may be the end....surprise he texted me back said he is fine and fine with me too, I aint pissed him off he has just 'had a lot on'. I replied no problem, I quite understand as I am pretty busy myself, just can't help but worry about my friends, and just said call me sometime soon, we'll see when, you will probably know when there is a slight gap in my writing for a week or so. Would be nice to have a white christmas together but I will see what happens and not bank on it, as I don't know his plans and not sure what mine are, will have to take it as it comes. But to quote Lady Gaga seems we will still have the summer after all....whenever it comes, be it this week or next.
Meanwhile I have a besotted client who stated openly he 'wishes he was him'. I got a bit over friendly with this guy and should not have done....now the only way I can call a halt to it is to say no more, I won't do anything with this guy even if I have no money I will look elsewhere, and the fact I was staying with this guy to get away from the hostel as it was quieter made him expected to pay him in kind....and the fact he only has one room, I could not sleep one night and disturbed him allegedly makes me liable for him having to take the week off work. I am now a selfish bitch, slut, every name under the sun and the worse prick tease on earth. I was an idiot not wanting to be on my own, and hell every time I've gone there I've offered some coke if I have some, which he normally declines but accepted last time. He is full of mouth as well. This guy knows I do not enjoy shagging him....but in his delusions he believes I love it with every other client. 'Have fun shagging men for money or drugs' the other night were his words.I said it is not 'fun' but work, a means to an end. He asked how shagging men in return for coke is 'work'....to which I responded ideally cash plus a bit of the other is ideal, cash alone is indeed work, but if I want to get high I will spend my money that way anyhow so it makes no odds, is just a short cut if anything and how I choose to spend my money is my business. It gets more absurd, saying that makes me a 'selfish bitch'. This man is getting pissed off cos he is failing to make me fall for him....he is a client not a friend as he has never helped me out for nothing, any offers of financial help when I have been at my lowest have required payback.
Meanwhile...last night a male friend of mine who wanted nothing gave me some money as an Xmas gift and did not ask how I intended to spend it.. I have been good to myself, done my nails, new clothes, hair and everything so it has not all been blown on drugs. Now that is a friend, cash for an xmas gift and he wanted nothing back from me at all. However friendly they may try to get, tricks always think as tricks and have one thing on their mind. Whereas true friends give without expecting anything back. I give to my friends in that way and keep no record sheet. With clients they keep a track sheet as no matter what sweet talk they give to get cheaper it is always a business transaction, so never forget that girls if you are in that trade. I guess we all know that but make the odd error of judgement, especially if you are a warm hearted person who has a warm friendly nature and is naturally inclined to see the best in folks. I know I can be selfish, which may partly be a result of my addictions and greed, but that does not change my basic nature, and there are guys out there who play on it, as I have learnt too well.
I told the besotted client he will never be my summerboy so to stop the idea now, and by continuing to do the business I am only encouraging it. I have never been anything but honest with him.....when doing the act my heart and mind have been elsewhere and I told him. At first he kept saying 'I like shagging you, I think you like shagging me too'....I used to humour him so as not to lose a client but I drew a barrier so as not to let him get silly, but obviously I should have been clearer. Then he knew the brutal truth.....he said he did not care as it 'turns him on' to shag someone else's girlfriend anyway. Well, it sure don't turn me on to shag other women's boyfriends, so god knows where this guy's head is at. Friends do not complain to me that my business transactions have been 'crap'....to quote the words of this little charmer. I won't say mixing business with pleasure can always apply to that industry unless you are totally cold and play dead...which I don't. But I keep my distance, there is a difference between a lover and a client. Once that line is crossed there is no going back, as I know.
Anyway, I did get some work last night, got a bit more cash plus a little something else so all is ok for now, and I hope myself and all my readers will have a good xmmas whatever, mine won't be like last year for sure when I was with that little paper gangsta who fucked off for the day because he was ashamed for me to meet his family....who got presents at my expense. But that is the past.
Meanwhile my new years resolution is to work on my writing, get some paid blogging and some stuff on the pc, and write some pulp fiction and erotica and find a market for it. I have many ideas and some unpublished material as is, plus my lyrics.
Have a good evening all, catch up soon. I may be off to see my friends gig tonight, hope I enjoy. Til Later xxx
I am furious with the motherfucker but want to go back for more, despite the fact he is playing games. I play with fire.....I should have recognised his smooth talk for what it was, when he got to shag me his attitude changed....so why do I still want him?
Meanwhile I have treated myself for Xmas, got my roots done, bought some new clothes, done my nails etc for myself as much as any man. If that bastard does not call I will just find another 'summerboy'...and I will still have my moonlights and my candydust etc. Fixed myself up now for a good xmas just need some cash to get wrecked....or a guy that will pay even if it is not him I am past caring. He will call when ready.
Oh, and he shags his secretary. Before throwing me out he ordered her upstairs while ordering me into the kitchen to clean his mess up....fuck that I am no man's fool, love or no love. Be hitting the town this weekend if I don't hear anything.....Prince Charming shows his dark side very quick. Oh well, at least I have no illusions about the man. But if he wants to play on so we can be alone with candy dust and get into bed let him, but I have my limits!
Btw I was slamming myself for my dark roots....before I saw Debbie Harry's on one of her vids looking how I did last week before I had my roots done and styled my hair, every artificial blonde lapses at times. Now my hair is all blonde and wavy, I got some cool clothes and I am out to rock! No more straight hair and dark roots....at least not for another month lol x
I just tried to make this post and it did not go through so here we go again....Last night I was broke after my shopping bender, a client let me down and I was worried bout walking in the cold damp rain. But a friend treated me....and I had a nice surprise when someone met me off the internet, paid me in money and in stuff so still managed to have my shopping and still get shitfaced......Luck so far has been on my side for survival, I just not been so lucky in love....
But I am thinking of me, I am just as capable as being as materialistic and as selfish as anyone I know. I got my shopping, still got some money and had my gear so been a lucky girl as far as my material wants go.
Meanwhile I have plans for the new year, I won't do sex for money much longer and will put all my time into fulfilling my long term goal of being a writer. I had some non fiction published, I have some erotic fiction that hope goes like hotfire, just need to set myself up. Also some plans of live blogging or webcam may come to fruition just need my damn laptop fixed is all.....with any luck its good this time of year, I will earn and I will get my needs as well as my wants. And I have my lyrics...my guitar playing is way out of practice as the bankrupt car salesman who took all I had even lost me my interest in my music in the end....but the real me is coming back live and kicking and no man, even if he is the American President, can stop me now.....far as 'summerboy' goes the ball is in his court, but I can't wait forever for it to be hit back into mine as I am busy too, so I can't wait too long lest I may find another. ....he aint the only man in the fucking world. He'll call back when he misses me eventually....if it aint too late.
Cos as from now it is all about me, fuck the rest. I have as much right to be selfish as anyone.
You will hear from me again before xmas, and thank you to all my readers for your support and following my blog, despite the long gap in my writing.
Got some cash but blew it shopping. Summerboy aint called and am waiting on another damn contact not to let me down. I won't say much now but I feel like shit my moods are fucking volatile just want to feel better....heard an associate who I only met once died of alcohol and he was young. It looks like I am still relying on the kindness of strangers.
I am in a hostel full of smackheads, who I can relate to but am not on the same wavelength as people who wanna go down not up, it is doing my head in I want out but the house daddy won't let me move back out from feeling what is living like with my parents (when in my late 30s) unless he never sees me pissed and I do my best to be a good girl (room inspections etc all that shit that is like semi rehab) then he will ask the state to lend me some money towards my own place.
Fuck this. If I can rely on no man I have myself and won't give up, I will grovel to the State or no man when I have done no big harm. Someone tried to kill me, not vice versa. By March I will be self employed, paying my own taxes and will be employing an accoutant. I have resources talents and am now angry enough to use them with a vengeance.
If I want to do what I will I will, nobody can stop me I do as I will. As long as I hurt nobody, and have the full intention to not be a sponge then they can get off my back.
It is pissing down of rain outside, need to get some money but at least I have a new pink Hello Kitty brolly that may attract attention.
Hate reducing myself to this...again. But while my head is in this state it is hard for me to sort myself out....and I am highly reluctant to grovel ever again to the State I am beginning to loathe more each day for anything. I get more sympathy from law enforcement than the so called 'caring agents' who are supposed to help people with housing problems but nobody gives a damn about junkies anyway. As it is all self inflicted, those idiots can't see that was I happy I would not feel this constant burning urge to get wrecked and get shagged to get wrecked and get shagged to get....god damn it to hell.
Still not heard from 'summerboy' and the rain does not help. I am not a happy girl. I was putting a brave face earlier til someone proved to me that most of my male friends are fake and are only there cos they all want to shag me. I indeed do feel like doll parts x
He threw me out again Thursday from his luxury pad after an argument to my shithole of a junkie hostel that the last motherfucker landed me in. I left with a tenner to my name which he knew I would not spend on a cab. I walked in the rain with a cider bottle and I was given a fur jacket by a total stranger....some good people in the world.
So I went back to my hovel which I am one step from being evicted from, but I still managed to get shitfaced. A guy asked me to get stuff for him, shared with me and I had to do nothing sexual.
Partied with someone last night who was an unusual character....but I might find a way out of this vicious cycle. I can write erotica or serious articles.....there is enough filth on this blog as it is and I have more to fill a whole book, had I more time you would be reading more....but I can be serious. In this game the guys come out on top....the domestic violence I had with that bastard who took all I had...I was the one who was punished. The state have tried to blackmail me, not him, into rehab. I served a jail term for the man who nearly killed me....he is walking free and making money while I am struggling on as ever. I hope one day he gets what's coming.
More later...on how a so called friend of mine let me down for the sake of £50 and a few crack pipes, also how my desire has been re awakened by the man in my last post....guess the coke must have stayed in my system a long time as I kept dreaming of.....getting fucked. I even sold myself cheap for the fun of getting a shag, the money was a benefit. Hell....I was starting to enjoy the job I had hated!
Get up to some filth last night, I let a friend dominate me for the fun of it while a woman watched. Two lines, one smoke and I was up for it, well up for it.
I have to go and get some cash as it is Saturday and I would like some semblance of a party, even without the man I long for.....unless I turn up with the gear?
I know it has been a while since I have written...but the good news is that every emotion I had for that motherfucker that helped me ruin myself has gone forever.
The other news is....I don't know if it is good or bad. My last post was intended to be about my struggle with alcohol (mental, not physical), and how that is more of a killer for me. I can't get drunk and am not always a happy drunk...at times it acts as it's function....a downer, depressent. I don't like downers unless they are to...help me come down from my ups.
But I won't deny I am an alcoholic as well as a drug addict....and cocaine will not destroy my liver as booze does. And I don't enjoy the latter as much....perhaps I should smoke weed instead.
But I have for the first time in my life fallen in love with a guy I met as a client....and a rich one too. He is a cokehead and and an alcoholic too but a rich one, so he does not need my shit money. I don't want his.....I just want the love and afffection, the sex with emotion that I have craved for since I have had to be a single sex worker. I want out of that industry and have plans of getting out...but my recent crisis has stopped them going forward, as will be explained later.
I lose count of how many grams of coke we got through that fortnight between us.....and we drank a hell of a lot. He had ceased to be a client for a while as I stopped asking for cash, just company and a good time....and obviously I did not supply the coke. But I shagged him for the first time without a rubber, told him what I wanted and liked....and it was good. I like being with intelligent funny men who can dominate me without being abusive....he fit into those boxes. I tried not to get my hopes up too much....but I can't get the man out of my head.
We had been up for five nights and both out moods were volatile, he also had a few mates round. Try spending the evening straight with a bunch of cokeheads and see who can talk over the others the most or dominate the conversation.....you see what I am getting at.
Anyway, we scored some diazepam so we could try to mellow. We had already had a few drug fuelled rows....but I made the fatal mistake of taking his diazes without asking, I know I was wrong but I had been sharing mine with him besides the fact I thought he had more or was getting more....but he got mad. The situation escalated and he threw me out with only a tenner in my pocket, no drugs. I phoned him he promised to meet me the next day....he switched on me and decided he was still angry as I disturbed his neighbours who had been shit stirring.....the man upstairs disliked me and thought I was yet another one of his coke whores (no mistake, but I thought I was a special one lol.....)...but seriously I did bond with this man who I had known for a long time but only recently got to know properly. I thought something might happen.....I had unprotected sex which he knows I never do with clients. And I snuggled up to him in bed for the first time.....anyone can read the look in my eyes.
That is why I am gutted to be back in the hostel, back in street prostitution to obtain my needs plus my habit. He is blankibng me...and I have heard he has had other women round since. But I am praying it was not all a game on his part, to make me grovel and offer sex for free......I regard myself as a hard nut to crack and I have NEVER fallen in love with clients, normally it has been the reverse.
But this man has won....he has beat me at the game, I hold my white flag up. I just want a happy ending story this time....and I am unable to bond with 'nice', 'normal' etc men, I can only relate to fuck ups like myself, rich or poor.
Get in touch motherfucker and stop blanking the woman who loves you, I am already close to despair that you have already been shagging other women while I have been crying, rattling etc. I don't want another broken heart, ok?