It's been a while since I wrote but I have accessed one of the sites mentioned in my last post....no response as yet and the other has not resent me my log in details yet. I've met the odd guy on the way to the shop, but I need to sort my finances out soon as I want to avoid the street, and a few of my so called regs have turned out to be control freaks with an agenda. I am willing to accept payment for sex but not for abuse...so I have ditched these guys. One remains who I can handle, and sometimes I go and see a friend who gives me a break from this hell of a hostel and I go there and party. Had a break last week enjoying the weather.
I'm able to obtain decent coke again. I no longer touch crack, which I used to do when I couldn't get or afford proper stuff. But a few bad incidents put me off it for life, which is not a bad thing. I just hate assumptions...because where I live is becoming crack city, most of the women on the street are on it, the guys who find me there assume I am.. . I get annoyed by that assumption and say it is my second most loathed drug. It was my first, but that has been replaced by crystal meth. Some twat who used to live here persuaded me to try it when I had no money for anything else, and I was weak enough to succumb. The comedown was horrible, I was bursting into tears for small reasons and started missing Him again, a bad sign. I didn't know what was happening to me at the time, I felt I was going mad. But he has gone, and it has gone with him. Good riddance to another shitty man and an even shittier drug. I can sleep on coke, drift off and float away. It is impossible to sleep on that synthetic toxic shit. I am also sick of guys approaching me around there asking me to obtain them either crack or smack and offer to buy me a bag for getting it. I just say I don't use them and refuse. I still would like to reduce my drinking. It happens that when I have decent coke I drink less and slower, shit gear makes me drink faster.
I sometimes wonder if I am a recreational user again or an addict....I would say I am likely somewhere in between. I am aware I have addictive tendencies, but these days I use because I enjoy it, and I don't hate my drug of choice....An addict hates his or her drug of choice and uses it to kill pain. I have met guys who feel that way....my problem is more a case of not being able to stop at times when the party is over. And partying in the wrong company wrecks your buzz, if someone in the room is paranoid or dominating the conversation it infects the whole room. If they cannot enjoy themselves they ensure nobody else will. It's not enjoyable to use with real addicts who can't relax, recreational users or even semi addicts like myself are more fun. I could sometimes lose it with my ex cos he had a tendency to paranoia. I rarely get like that unless I am in the wrong company, and even then it is only mild.
Using every day or at least nearly every stops something being enjoyable, it becomes the norm. I normally keep it to two or three times a week, less if I have little money. I had a bit of a binge from about last Wednesday until today, and today was more to keep myself awake after being up most of last night. It comes to a point when your body needs a rest or you just get ill. Then you know another line will sort that depressed, fatigued feeling, and then a habit sneaks up on you, sometimes without you realising straight away as you don't get physical withdrawals as with opiates, although there is a physical side to it.
Meanwhile I am looking to get out of this place, find another income and bloody sue my ex landlords. I will talk about them in my next post. And I shall start doing music again when I get my guitars sorted out.
Thanks guys for your supportive comments, I will look on your blogs tomorrow. Although I could not log on for a while due to lack of credit, the vibes somehow reached me.
Anyway, it's late and I am getting tired, promised myself an early (ish) night. Although I do get angry and stressed at times, the old me is coming back, fighting and kicking. The fact I don't use to kill pain any more is a good sign, which shows that the 12 step abstinence thing is not for everyone. Anyone who has ever tried to tell me otherwise can read this post as evidence that an addict does not always remain one. I used less out of lack of finance and my circumstance, and although that forced reduction was painful I am over it, and even had I the money to use every day I would not choose to, I would keep it as it is. Using 4 grams a week on average and having the odd binge does not mean an inevitable downward spiral. When I had the need to use every day I went on the streets to earn the money to do so. If I no longer feel that desperation and am seen out there rarely, even though my other plans for income have not yet come off it shows I am in a better state of mind, and people say I have been looking better. I get my moments when I miss the good times I had with...Him....but remembering the bad is enough for me to think it is for the best, although feelings won't dissapear, especially when that co-dependent relationship has had such a traumatic impact on my life. It was an intense relationship, and I don't think he enjoyed living off me, but it was an unhealthy connection fuelled by the chemistry of a mutual addiction.
Nite guys. I am getting my head down xx
4 years ago