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Monday, 31 October 2011

Thoughts on Addiction

I won't deny that I am a cocaine addict, a few weeks ago I was writing that the fact I could limit my use to once or twice a week meant my use had become recreational was just a way of making myself feel better....but if anything I have at least got my addiction under control. I will never agree with the 12 steppers that abstinence is the only way, controlled use can and does work in my case, and used in moderation cocaine use is a help and not a hinderance as it increases productivity and concentration to a person whose condition makes it harder for them to do that, so I will defy common wisdom.

I have recently found I have attention defiency disorder, which I have noticed is not uncommon among cocaine addicts. I was in a good mood the other week, and I was partying with a few guys. One was hating his drug, and while I will not deny my addiction now, his was obviously out of control, just as mine had been out of control last year. This guy had A.D.D too. I asked him why he used if he hated coke (as I don't hate it, despite the fact I have in the past let it disrupt my life and let it control me rather than me controlling it...I am managing to control my weakness). He told me that it 'stops his pain'. I have to say...when I am in a good mood I use just to party, but other times it is to escape and kill my pain.

This man reminded me of my ex, not physically but mentally. I could see he was a wrong un and inclined to be abusive to women, but I felt an attraction. I saw it for what it was....a connection that nobody can lest they have walked in this persons shoes. This man's problems are too much, he is in so much debt he had guns pointed at him, to the extent his family were at risk....I know for me to get involved with a man like that would be the death of me. An attraction based on mutual A.D.D and cocaine addiction.....would be poison and we would only bring out the worst in each other, so I entertained no thoughts of getting to know him better. But am I destined to a life alone, as these are the only types I seem to connect with...fuck ups like me.

He showed his lack of respect for women, not directed at me as I was with his friend during that time but towards his 21 year old toy girl who still lived with her parents and was hanging with him for not only his coke but for the excitement of dating a crim....I gave her a word of warning. During my recent mid life crisis I found my ex, his lifestyle and his buddies exciting, and was trying to recapture my youth. But she did not heed my advice and I did not expect her to, daddy's little princess who has much to learn about life...

However, I do have a struggle on my hands with another addiction...that of alcohol. Alcohol is far more deadly than coke and causes far more deaths. Those who have read the news of late will see that it was alcohol, not drugs, that killed Amy Winehouse, whose death I mourned on this blog. I am struggling to limit my booze consumption to 14 units, and it is not easy. Ironically if I have decent coke I drink less not more, so prohibition is damaging my health but I won't let it kill me. I have not told my life story on this blog, but it has not been easy and I was not given an easy start in life. Hence my objection to being judged when I don't judge, especially by those who have never walked in my shoes and have no right to judge me by their standards. 2.4 kids, a well paid job, material security, a stable relationship, owning their own home. Those people have no right to lecture me that I should deny myself what enjoyment I have, and the doctors who threaten to deny me the medication that stops my anxiety attacks, due to post traumatic stress. Let them give what I have gone through a try...they would not last a week let alone 3 years.

I will elaborate on the alcohol issue, and also I will catch up on everyone's blogs, my laptop is just having trouble and in need of repair which partly causes a slow connection. But I have not forgotten.

Friday, 21 October 2011

Desperate Housewives...And Other Sex Workers!

During my time I have come across a few women working in brothels, all of whom were obviously, as one poster on this blog put it, as willing as I am to ‘have sex for dollar’.

And guess what? Most of them did not have any problem with substance abuse. I have never liked the brothel scene myself, but this mainly stems from the fact that I prefer working alone, I dislike the atmosphere and the fact I was not allowed to set my own prices, along with having to pay the management an extortionate amount of commission to use the premises, which is essentially no different from working for a pimp. Besides which, on a slow day you could be sitting around all day and few people would show up, so you could go home feeling you have wasted your time.

But I am diverting…..many the woman I found working there were not drug addicts but rather bored housewives, seeking a bit of pocket money behind the backs of their husbands, who thought they were doing some kind of a regular part time job. There were a few single mothers simply trying to make ends meet, but there were all kinds of reasons why the women I met were doing that job. There was one former civil servant who having fallen prey to chronic fatigue syndrome found she could no longer hold down a full time job, but simply did not wish to live in poverty struggling on benefits. She was divorced and her only son was a grown adult…. The only drug she ever took was cannabis, so the classic reasons women are thought to turn to prostitution….a drug habit, a pimp, single parenthood….only applied to a minority of women I met in brothels, and it probably would apply to a lot of the Independents you find advertising on the internet as well.

To clear up any misconceptions about myself, I have always got by one way or another. I have various problems, including an anxiety condition and Attention Deficiency Disorder that have made it very difficult for me to hold down a regular job, and these problems have also thwarted my attempts to complete a degree. So even had I not had a cocaine habit you would likely still find me earning a living in the sex industry in some form or other from time to time, for the pure and simple fact I can’t tolerate either a monotonous 9 to 5 job in a supermarket or the misery of scraping together attempting to live on State Benefits. I have heard the refrain too many times that ‘other people do it…..’, well, I am not other people. Too bad. I don’t ask anyone to approve of what I do, just to accept that it is my choice, my body, my life. I practise my work safely and put nobody at risk, if anyone is taking a risk I am by letting myself be alone with strangers.

What annoys me most of all is the attitude taken by some men, even some tricks. They have the nerve to look down on me, express disapproval by telling me I am ‘degrading myself’, then have the hypocrisy to pay to shag me. Other men have expressed the same attitude towards me, then later admit that they themselves have paid for sex and would do again. Please don’t misunderstand me and think I have never come across judgemental women, but the most vociferous condemnation has tended to come from men. That shows more of a nerve as they are less likely to understand. I have been called all kinds of names and given all kinds of unwanted lectures, often by strangers who have the anonymity of a computer screen to hide behind. I have received no such posts on this blog, but on other forums. Probably because a lot of readers may be non judgemental if they show an interest in reading this in the first place, and secondly because it is my space anyway, anything I don’t like can always be moderated.

But as it happens only a minority of what I earn is spent on drugs these days, besides which everyone has their way of relaxing so what I do spend my money on is really nobody’s business but mine anyway. I could have other expensive pastimes if I so chose.

Some women I came across in that industry simply liked the buzz of earning from it, and although they do not make up a majority in that profession there are some that exist who do what they do for the simple fact they enjoy it. Be they sexually deviant or not, it is not for me to judge them any more than it is for them to do so with me. If women want to work in brothels or any other areas of the sex industry for no other reason than they are bored housewives or wish to sexually experiment good luck to them and let them get on with it. It is not my place or anyone else’s to judge. I would not do it if financial necessity due to my various problems (addictive tendencies being only one) did not compel me, but that is just me. Everyone has their reasons for living how they do, at the end of the day we are what we are.

Friday, 7 October 2011

Speaking Too Soon

Just when I think I am coping better, getting somewhere something happens to set me back.

I dunno why but I've been feeling pretty shitty these last few days. Just off, on a downer. But the finding of some money I didn't know I had helped, and I wasn't going to spend it until I had earnt it. I was not going to be stupid.

I can't blame other people, but this jerk...knew what he was doing. I should have just refused. But the paranoid crackhead was convinced I had ripped him. Never mind the first time I advised him not to ask me for crack, I don't like to get it for people. He was ripped, and I put it right. I wish I had not done it, so I said I won't again. He asked me again, I said I would not do it. He then asked me for powder. My normal guy wasn't on so I said I could not guarantee what the quality would be like, whether or not it would wash well or at all. It didn't. I said I don't fucking know, I don't wash it, and I made fuck all. So the twat asks me again, promises me a bag as well if I pay in kind and go and do it with him. For no other reason than to play with my head, he drove off.

Someone normal or more stable would have just gone home and stayed there. Someone with addictive tendencies would have gone back for the money for the gear. I did the latter. Oh well. Gear was ok, and at least I got some writing done. Better than remaining in a haze of depression like the one I have been in the last few days.

This place is getting to me. A lot of things have been, I've been dealing with a few issues that are painful. But it'll pass.

Monday, 3 October 2011

To Catch Up

It's been a while since I wrote but I have accessed one of the sites mentioned in my last post....no response as yet and the other has not resent me my log in details yet. I've met the odd guy on the way to the shop, but I need to sort my finances out soon as I want to avoid the street, and a few of my so called regs have turned out to be control freaks with an agenda. I am willing to accept payment for sex but not for abuse...so I have ditched these guys. One remains who I can handle, and sometimes I go and see a friend who gives me a break from this hell of a hostel and I go there and party. Had a break last week enjoying the weather.

I'm able to obtain decent coke again. I no longer touch crack, which I used to do when I couldn't get or afford proper stuff. But a few bad incidents put me off it for life, which is not a bad thing. I just hate assumptions...because where I live is becoming crack city, most of the women on the street are on it, the guys who find me there assume I am.. . I get annoyed by that assumption and say it is my second most loathed drug. It was my first, but that has been replaced by crystal meth. Some twat who used to live here persuaded me to try it when I had no money for anything else, and I was weak enough to succumb. The comedown was horrible, I was bursting into tears for small reasons and started missing Him again, a bad sign. I didn't know what was happening to me at the time, I felt I was going mad. But he has gone, and it has gone with him. Good riddance to another shitty man and an even shittier drug. I can sleep on coke, drift off and float away. It is impossible to sleep on that synthetic toxic shit. I am also sick of guys approaching me around there asking me to obtain them either crack or smack and offer to buy me a bag for getting it. I just say I don't use them and refuse. I still would like to reduce my drinking. It happens that when I have decent coke I drink less and slower, shit gear makes me drink faster.

I sometimes wonder if I am a recreational user again or an addict....I would say I am likely somewhere in between. I am aware I have addictive tendencies, but these days I use because I enjoy it, and I don't hate my drug of choice....An addict hates his or her drug of choice and uses it to kill pain. I have met guys who feel that way....my problem is more a case of not being able to stop at times when the party is over. And partying in the wrong company wrecks your buzz, if someone in the room is paranoid or dominating the conversation it infects the whole room. If they cannot enjoy themselves they ensure nobody else will. It's not enjoyable to use with real addicts who can't relax, recreational users or even semi addicts like myself are more fun. I could sometimes lose it with my ex cos he had a tendency to paranoia. I rarely get like that unless I am in the wrong company, and even then it is only mild.

Using every day or at least nearly every stops something being enjoyable, it becomes the norm. I normally keep it to two or three times a week, less if I have little money. I had a bit of a binge from about last Wednesday until today, and today was more to keep myself awake after being up most of last night. It comes to a point when your body needs a rest or you just get ill. Then you know another line will sort that depressed, fatigued feeling, and then a habit sneaks up on you, sometimes without you realising straight away as you don't get physical withdrawals as with opiates, although there is a physical side to it.

Meanwhile I am looking to get out of this place, find another income and bloody sue my ex landlords. I will talk about them in my next post. And I shall start doing music again when I get my guitars sorted out.

Thanks guys for your supportive comments, I will look on your blogs tomorrow. Although I could not log on for a while due to lack of credit, the vibes somehow reached me.

Anyway, it's late and I am getting tired, promised myself an early (ish) night. Although I do get angry and stressed at times, the old me is coming back, fighting and kicking. The fact I don't use to kill pain any more is a good sign, which shows that the 12 step abstinence thing is not for everyone. Anyone who has ever tried to tell me otherwise can read this post as evidence that an addict does not always remain one. I used less out of lack of finance and my circumstance, and although that forced reduction was painful I am over it, and even had I the money to use every day I would not choose to, I would keep it as it is. Using 4 grams a week on average and having the odd binge does not mean an inevitable downward spiral. When I had the need to use every day I went on the streets to earn the money to do so. If I no longer feel that desperation and am seen out there rarely, even though my other plans for income have not yet come off it shows I am in a better state of mind, and people say I have been looking better. I get my moments when I miss the good times I had with...Him....but remembering the bad is enough for me to think it is for the best, although feelings won't dissapear, especially when that co-dependent relationship has had such a traumatic impact on my life. It was an intense relationship, and I don't think he enjoyed living off me, but it was an unhealthy connection fuelled by the chemistry of a mutual addiction.

Nite guys. I am getting my head down xx