I won't deny that I am a cocaine addict, a few weeks ago I was writing that the fact I could limit my use to once or twice a week meant my use had become recreational was just a way of making myself feel better....but if anything I have at least got my addiction under control. I will never agree with the 12 steppers that abstinence is the only way, controlled use can and does work in my case, and used in moderation cocaine use is a help and not a hinderance as it increases productivity and concentration to a person whose condition makes it harder for them to do that, so I will defy common wisdom.
I have recently found I have attention defiency disorder, which I have noticed is not uncommon among cocaine addicts. I was in a good mood the other week, and I was partying with a few guys. One was hating his drug, and while I will not deny my addiction now, his was obviously out of control, just as mine had been out of control last year. This guy had A.D.D too. I asked him why he used if he hated coke (as I don't hate it, despite the fact I have in the past let it disrupt my life and let it control me rather than me controlling it...I am managing to control my weakness). He told me that it 'stops his pain'. I have to say...when I am in a good mood I use just to party, but other times it is to escape and kill my pain.
This man reminded me of my ex, not physically but mentally. I could see he was a wrong un and inclined to be abusive to women, but I felt an attraction. I saw it for what it was....a connection that nobody can lest they have walked in this persons shoes. This man's problems are too much, he is in so much debt he had guns pointed at him, to the extent his family were at risk....I know for me to get involved with a man like that would be the death of me. An attraction based on mutual A.D.D and cocaine addiction.....would be poison and we would only bring out the worst in each other, so I entertained no thoughts of getting to know him better. But am I destined to a life alone, as these are the only types I seem to connect with...fuck ups like me.
He showed his lack of respect for women, not directed at me as I was with his friend during that time but towards his 21 year old toy girl who still lived with her parents and was hanging with him for not only his coke but for the excitement of dating a crim....I gave her a word of warning. During my recent mid life crisis I found my ex, his lifestyle and his buddies exciting, and was trying to recapture my youth. But she did not heed my advice and I did not expect her to, daddy's little princess who has much to learn about life...
However, I do have a struggle on my hands with another addiction...that of alcohol. Alcohol is far more deadly than coke and causes far more deaths. Those who have read the news of late will see that it was alcohol, not drugs, that killed Amy Winehouse, whose death I mourned on this blog. I am struggling to limit my booze consumption to 14 units, and it is not easy. Ironically if I have decent coke I drink less not more, so prohibition is damaging my health but I won't let it kill me. I have not told my life story on this blog, but it has not been easy and I was not given an easy start in life. Hence my objection to being judged when I don't judge, especially by those who have never walked in my shoes and have no right to judge me by their standards. 2.4 kids, a well paid job, material security, a stable relationship, owning their own home. Those people have no right to lecture me that I should deny myself what enjoyment I have, and the doctors who threaten to deny me the medication that stops my anxiety attacks, due to post traumatic stress. Let them give what I have gone through a try...they would not last a week let alone 3 years.
I will elaborate on the alcohol issue, and also I will catch up on everyone's blogs, my laptop is just having trouble and in need of repair which partly causes a slow connection. But I have not forgotten.
2 years ago