I am sick of this....I could not face going on the street tonight to try to get any money, but had a friend not helped me I would have had no choice. I am sick of street prostitution, it is degrading especially when I have no suitable place to take them, not being allowed guests in my room. I suppose I could do the internet if I pulled myself together and advertise for 'outcalls only' but I cannot even bring myself to go to the sites...they somehow sicken me. A friend of mine said she will have a room soon and will do a profile for me..I hope she does that cos I cannot be arsed, my motivation is zero, but I am sick of being in this state. I have never before lived in sheltered accomodation, I am officially certified as being mad....but as the idiot authorities in this district deem my problems as being drug induced and hence self inflicted I must battle most of it alone..that means no CPN, social worker etc as the support worker in my accomodation is expected to deal with all my needs, despite the fact she is only part time and has so many other people to deal with. But to be fair, out of all the professionals that have worked with me the last six months she has been the most pleasant and I actually like her, she actually does this job for the right reasons. This house is also the most benevolent. I don't feel like I am living in a minature version of Soviet Russia, which is an improvement. People say I should put the past behind me, but how can I when it's consequences are with me every day?
Tried to catch up yesterday but the stupid internet cafe would not let me even save, let alone publish the bloody post I had ready. But....I bought myself some Xmas treats. I go a nice new Hello Kitty pink and black brolly lest I get caught in the rain (again) and I have a nice new handbag to match plus a sexy Courtney Love t shirt.
I am as capable of being selfish and materialistic as anybody else and this week I have been. I didn't spend the money on coke but a friend got me some later and I was fortunate to meet a client over internet who gave me some in the hotel so I managed to treat myself, still get shitfaced and not get caught in the rain. My post the other day was a bit depressing so I am glad I did not share it. Hope you guys have a good weekend, I wish you enjoy whatever you seek, be it hedonism or sobriety!
Ps 'Summerboy' aint called and I am getting past the point of caring, let him stew. It be his loss as I know I am no saint but nobody can find anyone more loyal or patient than me. Balls in his court......and I won't wait forever for it. I am busy and have my life to sort out, have plans on publishing my writing and can't afford to spend all my time waiting on men or chasing them, unless there is money involved which I may need to set my business up for the new year....a legal biz nothing dodgy no physical contact just writing my erotica and maybe some live blogging or webcam. But I will fulfil my ambition to be a writer at last...my mind is set on that and my music will be back in practice too. The bankrupt car salesman who took all I had even lost me my interest in music. I will pick up that guitar and scream on, no motherfucker can stop me again x
I was listening to the radio last night and I heard Amy Winehouse's dad speaking about wishing to found a charity to make rehab or treatment more accessible to people who do not have the funds for expensive private treatment.
I have no doubt about the honest and sincere motives of Mr Winehouse after losing his daughter to her addictions. But grief can cloud anyone's judgement, and this has been noticable to me in the case of parents who have lost their children to their various addictions...such as those who lost their teenage sons or daughters to a bad ecstasy pill calling for a tightening up of the prohibition laws. Whether it was an allergy or the rubbish those tablets were mixed with was besides the point...the point that they missed was that prohibition makes research into possible side effects, deadly or not, of such drugs harder as it could not be known whether it was a rare allergy to MDMA or the unknown adulterants in the tablets that killed those youths, and as there was no way of knowing what the adulterants were, or at least which ones caused the fatalities it will never be known. Tightening up the drug laws is likely to cause more, not fewer deaths.
But back to the point....I, for one, am one such person who has been what is described as a 'problem user' of one illicit drug or another for a good chunk of my life, and I am no rock star with a lot of money to spend on private treatment, and never have been rich. In fact, I know many other users who are far from being rich who have been in and out of rehab time and time again, and, to use treatment jargon for lack of a better term, 'relapsed'. So it obviously was not a lack of access to treatment itself that was their problem, but was rather the success or rather, the lack of success, of the treatment concerned.
Amy's death was a tragedy, but even if lack of access to treatment was a problem for users with a lack of funds, it was not a problem for her. Access to rehab did not save her.
People become victims of their own addictions not because there is a lack of access to treatment....if anything the deaths of rock stars with money for all the treatment they may want or not want confirms that is not the case. If someone's problem is excess, battling with their own demons etc treatment, as I have pointed out before on this blog, has a lousy success rate. People have to want to help themselves before any 'programme', 'rehab', whatever, will help them, and if they are determined enough then half the battle has been won anyway, people overcome addiction with no treatment just as often as with...which makes it's use value questionable.
The State has either funded, via the NHS, individual patients to attend private clinics or simply sets up their own on the NHS using the same model. I have been offered rehab a few times and, like Amy did, have just said 'No, no, no'. And this has been without any money of either my parents or my own to do so but money the NHS offered to fund. The first time it was for heroin addiction, the second time it was for cocaine and alcohol. A good friend of mine who is homeless has been in a State owned rehab three times battling an addiction to alcohol and has failed each time.
I don't wish to be insensitive to the feelings of Amy's family, but it seems her father is barking up the wrong tree, as there seems to be little denial of rehab for those who want it, in my long experience as a drug user and that of everyone I know. He would maybe be better campaigning and funding a charity which advocates education about responsible drug use.