I don't know what has bee wrong with me today...I guess my tensions from all week have built up to a point of no return where I break down.
I felt ok at first when I woke up, I had a late night last night so was taking it easy. Maybe it was reading some more stuff about Amy that did it, from a biography that was written a few years back when it was hoped she would pull through and produce more albums....but to say it was just that would be untrue. It has been my brain chemistry, circumstances, all kinds of things.
I have not had a very good week, there are vultures out there who think I am ripe for the picking because of my vulnerabilities....I had a rotten experience with a guy I met earlier in the week that I don't want to write about just now.
There have been a lot of busts in this town lately which mean decent sniff is hard to find....but it is always possible to find crack cocaine. I was in tears this afternoon about eveything and anything, I don't know if it is just depression or a sign of addiction or what...but of course I knew what could make it better. One of my clients texted with bad news...his guy had been busted, I replied and said I did not feel good, he said to go round. I was hoping he would have some money, something, but he was thinking his company alone and a fatherly 'what shall we do with you?' would help. It did not.
So I had £20 spare and I spent it on crack, had it not been for a few fuck ups in the week, people taking the piss, I would have had more. But there was no sniff so I needed something, alcohol was not working. I have been missing my ex, and have been feeling troubled all round. If I could put my finger on one thing....it is probably feeling alone. Cold. Empty. When I smoked that stuff the pain went away, like a miracle. But now it is wearing off I can feel that pain returning....so I want to try and earn something so I can at least get high, and get a decent amount so as not to run round like a headless chicken. I don't really like crack, it is too short lived, sniff is more subtle and lasts longer, but when there is none I just take what there is, hell, it's still bloody cocaine.
3 years ago