I am still alive…..I know people must wonder when I don’t write for a while what is up, as my lifestyle is risky, but I have always been a survivor and I will continue, regardless of my moments of despair.
I know a lot of it is self inflicted, but I don’t think I deserve the hell and the shit I have been through for the past six months. Ok so I might like my drugs, I may have let the wrong man into my life, but the authorities have stitched me up good and proper.
I pray things get better soon…but as soon as a silver lining appears there is a fly in the fucking ointment. The housing association that have given me a temporary room won’t forgive or forget that I made a formal complaint about the place where they formerly put me….and are demanding off me ludicrous rent arrears, which I now must go out and earn.
I can take this no more, at times I wish he had finished the job that night and just killed me, got it over with. Every day I look back and think the hell I had with him in that trashed apartment was preferable to the hell I have now…..emptiness, loneliness, tears and despair. Something in me is still fighting it but sometimes I want to give up….something is my only friend and when I don’t have that my world is dark indeed.
My problems are not all down to drugs at all…..I can look back two years ago to when I was enjoying my life. Things did get out of hand, I know my behaviour has not been exemplary, but can God forgive and spare me? I am sick of this. I have court fines, bills, overdraft etc, any drug money I get does not come from the State. In fact I long for the day when I need not ask them for anything…and that day will come.
If anyone knows what it is like to feel insecure and afraid of the future….that is where I am at. I cannot turn back the clock, I can’t undo all that has gone wrong, all that I have let happen to me over one man, how one man can do so much damage to the extent of nearly destroying me.
I hate to say this….but please any women who have a violent partner who is inclined to criminal behaviour and threatens your life….don’t believe the police will look after you. Avoid like hell those ‘refuges’ that are more like open prisons….especially if you are an outsider like me who will be ostracised by the other inmates. You will lose your freedom, your home, you won’t have your own front door key. Every time you go to the shop for a beer you will be questioned by the screws, with their saccharine smiles as to where you are going. You will give up all in the question of your alleged safety…..but if they cared so much about my damned safety they should have let him be, let me be. If the landlord and the residents in that building wanted him out, wanted us out, so be it….what they did not have to do was to drag me out, with my hair sopping wet, to a place of ‘safety’ that was more like a jail. All he had was two months on tag, a bit of poverty and trouble with his mate, but trust me he is doing fine…..I’d have heard by now from the sponger if he wasn’t. Now it is me who is homeless, me with nothing, him who is back on his feet….where is he? And the State who fucked me over…..where has their concern gone now I failed to press charges against him? Not that they would have been any different had I done so, had they put him behind bars I would be no better off. But to drag me into that hell with the promise of rehousing, support I never had….a place I was begging to leave but nobody took a damned bit of notice til I got thrown out…
The State….they can shove their feigned concern for my well being where the sun will never shine….which could be anywhere in the kind of world they want to create anyway. I have so much pent up anger….but unlike other people I know I have nowhere outside to release it, no punchbag….so I slip into self destruct mode. They can ram as many useless anti depressants down my throat as they want, but it won’t change these sorry conditions. I have never been homeless before, and it is not a nice place to be. Ok, so I have temporary accommodation but they seem to be going out of their way to make it hard for me, seemingly because I have objected to having ‘treatment’ for a non existent ‘disease’….here we go again…
I will sort myself out so I can live my life on my own terms, and I need not beg those fuckers for anything ever again. I know I am probably sounding juvenile, but if anyone has been done over and stitched up like I have by those clowns they will know what I mean.
I have been neglecting my writing, music, etc, cos of this malaise, and god knows I will fight it…..prove that I have no social or mind ‘disease’. They hate me as I don’t fit into one of their boxes….i.e I am not illiterate, stupid, or any other thing they ascribe to people like me. I will not be bullied by trainee social workers who believe they are superior to me as they possess sociology degrees….as if you can learn about real life from the pages of a textbook! The truth is I am probably better read than they are, and could probably quote some of their textbooks, but I don’t claim that means I understand everyone whose shoes I have not walked in. I could well make my own assumptions about university educated, middle class white people, but individuals are more complex than that. Having read a lot of psychology I could come to my own theories about why some such people have a tendency to want to control others. You hear about care workers abusing elderly or vulnerable people under their care…it has taken me two weeks after it ending to begin to write about it, my move from one hell to another….and the insecurity I face now.
I long for the day I have some good news to report here. I thought I did have, as the room I am in now is preferable to where I was, the bullying and slander have gone, but there was a fly in the ointment as usual…as it was run by the same people as run the previous place, and I am being charged extortionate rent by them and the council, and they are now hassling me for arrears I don’t agree I owe.
The fact I am mentally fucked enough to receive a higher rate of sickness benefit, yet have no social worker, no c.p.n or anything, has come as a shock to some people. But no doubt it is not personal, it just shows how useless they are in this district. I did have a social worker who I met once!!, yes, and she closed my file as I am in supported housing and my needs can be addressed through the agents here. Oh. And she wished me luck on my ‘treatment journey’. I did not ask for any treatment, as I was not told I have a disease?
Which will bring me on to the next part……..
To be continued……
3 years ago