I have something to tell....it has been a while since he has been gone. I have been feeling the loneliness of being single. Despite how badly he treated me, the arguments, the violence and all of it I have been missing someone to go home to at night, someone to simply cuddle up to and be there. Nothing can compensate for that.....but in my carnality I missed real sex, the kind that is not for money, I was tired of feeling dead from the waist down, cold.
Yet I did not want a relationship then, I was not ready to open myself in that way and am still not...so the only option seemed to be a one night stand not involving the exchange of money. So I met someone who was moderately attractive, amiable. What started with a cuddle went further. However, I found it slightly eerie the way that he was sexually dominant, into hair pulling, calling me names while he shagged me and all the rest.
Our mutual friend was daft enough to tell him what I did for a living...so the following day came the pimp talk. But it was too unsubtle, too quick...transparent. I am not stupid. He asked me if I wanted to score some crack, I said I prefer powder. Something redeeming about my ex, at least he had the goods. This man could not even score a bit of crack, let alone powder.
He was bragging about the size of his apartment, how he longed to 'protect me' etc...I said I did not want another pimp, a one night stand did not mean I was his property.
Had he been more subtle....but no. The fact I went with him so quickly was because I wanted nothing more serious than that, was I looking for a relationship, rather than scratching an itch, an ache, it would not have happened. And in hindsight it wasn't worth the bother.
Being told he 'wanted me to be his girlfriend' like I had no say.....I pointed out to him that I did have a choice in the matter, and had stated I did not want a relationship, that I am still crying over you know who. It took him ages to take no for an answer, and his boasting was laughable. Like his size in the criminal hierarachy is as big as his....as if. Ok, so he wasn't badly endowed, wasn't bad in that way, but I didn't want to marry him.
I wanted no boyfriend, pimp, nothing, just a bit of affection and release. It is accepted that single men feel the need for this without the complications of a relationship. But this guy couldn't see that, so he stalked me for nearly a week before getting the message. Oh well, he got it eventually. I just wonder what my fate will be, if I ever can love or be loved again.
4 years ago