I just looked back and saw how big the gap on this blog was...and that was the time him I and were the closest we came to being a normal couple...although we were not. He was living off me. Sometimes things would be fine, the first few months we reconciled after the break up in July there were no rows, no violence...but then he had what he wanted, he had his coke lovingly supplied by me, who obtained it by what he had previously called 'dirty money'. Never mind the fact I forgave the fact he had robbed my means of getting out of that trade....and still dared condemn me when things were ok for him. When he had nothing, nobody, nowhere to go....the motherfucker started to behave like a model boyfriend, giving me the love I wanted. The only thing he deprived me of was money and drugs as he had none...but hey, I supplied them, what was I there for?
I did all I could, I tried so hard....and still failed. My tears fall as I realise he never loved me....go forgive me for having been so stupid. That man has ruined and cost me more than any drug.
Two reasons I neglected this blog for six months....firstly, I was too tied up with other things.....i.e supporting my boyfriend, who did not like me even writing this blog. His greed made him get another prostitute to move in and pay him, not her, rent.
He got on the crack which did not agree with either of us, I got emotional and he became aggressive. I worked hard, and by January when I recovered a computer I was burnt out and depressed. But I cry when I remember the good times, the moments of fun we had, the love he chose to show me sometimes....
I have four or five letters which I have never sent him. I will condense them and do so. If he still doubts I loved him...the man is a fool. I fought tooth and nail to get him off a DV charge, I lost my flat, and when I mentioned the money I am owed...he knows the vile thing he said. I will not print it here. But may he know that I am crying now as I write this. May he know the love I felt then has not died...but I am resigned to being alone as I want nobody else.
Motherfucker. But that is the end of that sorry tale, I am alive just colder. The precious heart he loved is dead, as people kill what they love, but my cold heart reborn can weather and survive this storm. I will come out the other side.
Save for a couple of past tales, that chapter is closed. Goodbye my love, and may you find the peace of mind I know you crave. Even if I never see you again you still have a piece of my heart and you have taken something I cannot replace.