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Monday, 25 July 2011

Depths of Despair....

I do what I can to take my pain away...and where does my pain stem from? I wish I could say I was partying as I was not so long ago....but all yesterdays's parties are long over and I don't know if there will be any I am not partying right now but killing my pain.

Loneliness. I lost the only two men I ever truly loved, despite things in between, in the space of 5 years. If hell have no mercy like a woman scorned...why is it I don't feel anger but just pain? Betrayal, loneliness, a cold bed.....then I get told I should give up my only enjoyment I have left....i.e stop taking drugs. No, they are all I have left now, while I am alone and unloved.

Nobody understands, they think I should be well rid of him and get on with my life. But at times I feel my life is gone....where is the girl who lived for her parties, music, what is she doing smoking crack cocaine alone in a halfway house, turning tricks to support her habit?

I prefer good sniff, but if I can get none....I have been reduced to this. And not because I have a disease, I cannot bear the emptiness and the pain....but every line, every blast on a crack pipe I hear that little voice whisper that everything is alright........even if it is the voice of the devil I don't care.
I remember the second honeymoon with him, when there was hope. We had good times to party, but when we didn't he told me at least we had each other when I climbed in bed beside him, nobody would come between us, and he would never see me high and dry as I had saved him from begging on the street.

Where are you now, my love? Do you and did you always hate me this much? What did I ever do to you? Ok you don't actively hurt me, but you don't want to know or care what becomes of me. When I still cry over you. I wonder what you are doing now, if you ever miss me or think of me too....damn me.

You nearly killed me, you took me so for granted and I was your punchbag, you made me a shadow of myself...but had I not loved you I would never have let you hurt me so. There is more, so much more....if I ever let you down along with myself I am sorry. Did you really want me to die?

RIP my 'precious heart'. Nobody will ever hurt me like that again. You can't break a heart that is already broken. I will rely on myself and never be hurt like that again.

Goodbye to love. Hello to coldness, emptiness. Sounds like a song from somewhere.

People don't get that I don't even want another man, I don't have the capacity to feel that way again and I am just not interested. I want to be alone. His last insult was calling me a 'dried up, barren spinster', words that would sting any woman. I don't even make a good whore, so he said. Not that I want to...but if my value to him consisted of my ability to make money know what...then I am better off alone.

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