I had not written for a while as I was out of credits, and my ex lost my card to top up. I hate to be single. It is finally over, he deleted me from facebook, everything. There is no going back, I said I would not be strung along or controlled again, I needed to be treated as an equal partner....to the response...goodbye then, also that I have been bumped for two grand by the man who once meant the world to me...fuck you then.
I was saddened last night to hear a girl I knew topped herself...over a man. He was a cocaine addict and a friend of my ex. From what I knew of the situation she was vulnerable...could not handle the drugs or him. I have noticed that using with recreational users is a different and more enjoyable experience than using with addicts, but recreational users maybe find my excessive use and tolerance hard to deal with. I have not been using so much coke, but not out of choice but financial hardship......so when I do use I binge.
I had some decent stuff today that was mellow, with not a bad comedown that the crap you normally get round here bashed with amphetamines and other synthetic stimulants is....when I can't get any coke I use downers just to calm down really, not because I really love them....cos I hate the narcolepsy the combination of alcohol, methadone and diazepam has given me lately, I hate gouching out. Unless I truly want to nullify my life, to quote Lou Reed, and I don't quite. I want to enhance the positive and erase the negative.
I need to steer clear of crack...I can't cope with the comedowns. What I had today actually calmed me...if they bloody legalised everything then I could get that sort of stuff all the time. 3/4s of a gram lasted me all day...normally I would get through it in a couple of hours were it the usual crap round here. It did me good rather than harm as I was positive for a change, not the depressive person I have been lately. And I saw things more clearly..false sense of well being or not I saw the light. As much as I miss someone...I know what is true more clearly. I am a free person now, or at least more so than I had been, and despite the e difficulties I am glad I found this route out rather than that of my poor aqquaintance, may she rest in peace. No man is worth dying for....especially not one like mine, who was more of a pimp than a boyfriend. At least my money is my own. I confess I at times miss someone to go home to...but no man is worth the pain I went through. Much as I loved him...and I did. I will reclaim my life and be myself, again soon. Be nobody's property but my own....and anyone who cannot accept me as I am can take a hike.
4 years ago