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Thursday, 21 April 2011

Infinite Sadness

Does anyone know what happened to Infinite Sadness or her blog? It seems she deleted it...I hope she is ok. Any comments will be helpful as I know she was not well...I am just a little worried, as I am sure some of you were re me when I did not write for months, knowing my risky lifestyle and all.

Survival

No matter what anyone tells me they cannot kill my soul or my dreams.

I know I am a good loving person, anyone who cannot see that, beats me verbally, mentally, physically because of his own issues...does not deserve my love.

Goodbye to my pimp, and goodbye to domestic violence for the last time.

Wednesday, 20 April 2011

I'm Back

I had not written for a while as I was out of credits, and my ex lost my card to top up. I hate to be single. It is finally over, he deleted me from facebook, everything. There is no going back, I said I would not be strung along or controlled again, I needed to be treated as an equal partner....to the response...goodbye then, also that I have been bumped for two grand by the man who once meant the world to me...fuck you then.

I was saddened last night to hear a girl I knew topped herself...over a man. He was a cocaine addict and a friend of my ex. From what I knew of the situation she was vulnerable...could not handle the drugs or him. I have noticed that using with recreational users is a different and more enjoyable experience than using with addicts, but recreational users maybe find my excessive use and tolerance hard to deal with. I have not been using so much coke, but not out of choice but financial hardship......so when I do use I binge.

I had some decent stuff today that was mellow, with not a bad comedown that the crap you normally get round here bashed with amphetamines and other synthetic stimulants is....when I can't get any coke I use downers just to calm down really, not because I really love them....cos I hate the narcolepsy the combination of alcohol, methadone and diazepam has given me lately, I hate gouching out. Unless I truly want to nullify my life, to quote Lou Reed, and I don't quite. I want to enhance the positive and erase the negative.

I need to steer clear of crack...I can't cope with the comedowns. What I had today actually calmed me...if they bloody legalised everything then I could get that sort of stuff all the time. 3/4s of a gram lasted me all day...normally I would get through it in a couple of hours were it the usual crap round here. It did me good rather than harm as I was positive for a change, not the depressive person I have been lately. And I saw things more clearly..false sense of well being or not I saw the light. As much as I miss someone...I know what is true more clearly. I am a free person now, or at least more so than I had been, and despite the e difficulties I am glad I found this route out rather than that of my poor aqquaintance, may she rest in peace. No man is worth dying for....especially not one like mine, who was more of a pimp than a boyfriend. At least my money is my own. I confess I at times miss someone to go home to...but no man is worth the pain I went through. Much as I loved him...and I did. I will reclaim my life and be myself, again soon. Be nobody's property but my own....and anyone who cannot accept me as I am can take a hike.