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Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Getting through the Day

Some days for me are easier than others. The tranqs I had calmed me down, and I should get some more tomorrow if I am not let down again.

The girl in the room next door has been a new friend to me, and the staff here have been supportive too, so have some other professionals who help people like myself for the right reasons.

I had a good enough day, a friend of mine gave me some jeans and trousers that I was in need of being short of ones that fit me properly (having short legs and being a size 8 they are hard to get) so I was pleased with them. The methadone doctor was sympathetic, who listened to my complaints of the bad experiences I have had with shrinks and other mental health professionals, and suggested I steer clear of them for now. I will post on them tomorrow, but my experience with them in general has not been positive, it rarely is when you are the type who is not easily labelled or pigeonholed. One good thing about him is that despite the fact his job is to prescribe methadone to heroin/opiate addicts, he does not make the assumption we are all the same or have the same needs, and makes his service user friendly. Unlike the doctor who ran it ten years back, an unfriendly shrink who would threaten to cut people off for using anything illicitly on top of what he dished out. He also used to keep people waiting 3 months, while forbidding local gps from prescribing methadone to heroin addicts. Those days are fortunately gone.

I made a visit to the cop shop on the way back regarding the statement, and while it still stands that the prosecuting officer needs to take the withdrawal statement, it was promised he is on my case and will get back to me tomorrow. Then, whatever becomes of Jason, he won't be able to blame me for whatever I said or did not say.

I visited a friend, but because I was unable to obtain my benzos to get me through the end of the week (fuck it, when I get paid Mon I'm going to get high and go on the town as well for the first time in ages) a few memories overwhelmed and I got upset, panicky. So I rang...him. He had totally forgot our earlier conversation about me having seen the cops, and had the beast with him who instigated the threats I received on Saturday, the steroided up cunt who tried to persuade him I am a liar. He does not remember the attack on me.... thus according to that idiot it never happened, and my boyfriend/ex boyfriend was a fool for listening. I told him already I will hear no defence of that man, the third bully he has befriended and hung with during the time I have known him, his new pitbull. Of course I got more upset. It was probably a matter of withdrawing from the tablets, but dealing with an anxiety disorder on a daily basis isn't nice. Strangely, uppers can calm me as much as downers can, if anything I find cocaine better at doing that than heroin....the latter I don't bother with these days as the stuff around at the moment is so rubbish it doesn't even work properly half the time.

If you remember the psycho Alex, I truly hope the pair of abusing thugs get locked in the same cell together when they get themselves nicked again, as they will sometime. You cannot keep a rabid dog down.

Jason still hopes to salvage something of our relationship and tells me he is going to anger management etc. But will or can he change? He has destroyed so much trust, and however much I may still have feelings for the man, I at times wish I did not, as he has hurt me so much and I'd likely be better just moving on. Then maybe he will regret losing the best friend he had, and the most loving and forgiving girlfriend he could ever find. I miss him, the nice him, not the man who nearly killed me who makes the odd comeback on the phone..but I am at the stage where I am putting myself first, I have to. I could not deal with him in the state I was, and it will be a while before anything can be rebuilt or salvaged, so much has he destroyed. And unless there are clear signs he is making an effort to change....I can't do it again. He knows that.

My eyes are getting heavy....nite xxx