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Saturday, 26 February 2011

My Life

I am living in a women's refuge. I am no longer a streetwalker but get by partly on my benefits and partly from the one or two clients who still ring me, not being able to bring them here. I can only afford to get high once a week or once a fortnight, but not being over my agoraphobia nor having totally regained my confidence in who I am it will take me a while to become the person I was, the person I was happy being once again, and stop being a shadow of my former self.

Sadly I have let a man reduce me to this. The loss of my home, my mental health which was already fragile, my dignity. Two years ago I was a happy recreational user, he was an addict mired in self destruction, sadly. Perhaps he didn't like to see the fact I still enjoyed getting high and he no longer could..the anger maybe stemmed from many places.

I made another mistake, it not being easy for me being alone lately. While the man with the split personality was having a hard time at the bail address he gave, having had a beating by one of his thug associates, he was the nicest, most apologetic man in the world. Did he want something? Of course. A withdrawn statement, and a bit of money, and a letter to his lawyer to ask for his bail address to be changed. Not being over him, I still loved the mf and to my chagrin still have feelings, but I am starting to see him as he emotionally immature and self centred man, lacking in empathy and being unable to take responsibility for his own actions.

Monday was my birthday, he was his nice self and gave me a romantic little present. Christmas was sadly a non event due to the weather, we had no money to buy each other presents and I was deeply depressed, not even being able to get high I knocked myself out on tranqs.

I have not withdrawn the statement I made, the reason being that he has failed to listen to me as he said he would. I made it clear I was not prepared to retract anything til after we have a good talk, because he is doing himself no favours by pleading not guilty and risking a higher sentence, dangerous when you are already on probation and have a suspended jail sentence already. He claims not to remember the assault, while I can far too vividly. In the space of five days, the nice man I saw on my birthday, who was the same I fell in love with, turned back into a sociopathic monster again when he found I'd not done as he wanted...for the reason I had been ill and going to the cop shop, being interrogated was not a top priority when I am trying to make myself well again, physically and mentally.

On Friday I was ill in bed with 24 hour gastric flu, and yesterday it took the best of my strength to walk to the local shops. A phone call ensued, and one of his bullies turned out to be present. I was asked again had I retracted it, in the full knowledge I was too ill to go anywhere. I was then subject to a barrage of threats of al sorts, including yet another of death. Never worry if he is in jail. I get told, cos one of his scummy associates can just do the job.

Sorry I ever found men with an aura of danger exciting or sexy. Sorry for my romantacisation of turbulent and intense relationships in my youth....I got what I craved late in life and all I can say is 'be careful what you wish for'. I am fortunate to be in a place where he cannot hurt me, and I can't let him rule my life anymore. I have to reclaim my own life. For too long I sacrificed all my needs, denied myself so I could be there emotionally, physically, financially for him.

I gave him all he wanted, it was never enough. Ok, perhaps he became akin to a spoilt kid, but to turn his rage against me now it has gone due to circumstances beyond my control anyway (not that it was healthy) is nothing more than a big kid stamping his feet at a mother who cannot give a spoilt child his presents or who cannot stop him facing the consequences of his own actions. I had to be everything ti that man, but more than anything I feel I acted like an indulgent mother. I'd pamper him, give him all he needed and more, all my love, and all I received back was abuse, to the point of near death. There was the nice him, the witty him, the loving man I knew and loved, but there was the monster under the surface. Walking on eggshells anything could bring the madman to the surface.

I am going back to sleep for an hour, I had to get this off my chest as it hurts.

More later.....

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