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Monday, 28 February 2011


Anyone played the Sims, any of the versions? It's one of my current escapes from my current shitty reality. At times those silicone people seem to be more content and have more exciting lives than I do right now. I hope it gets better soon....I hate being alone. Maybe that's why I'm more of an upper person really than a downer person, I only want to go down when I am bored, lonely, and just want to knock myself out to pass the time away.

I Don't Give A.....

Damn what any moraliser tells me. Had I two grand in my pocket I'd be high as a kite now, out on the town and forgetting all the shit that's been getting me down.

But I haven't enough funds to go out or get high, so I am alone in my room feeling sorry for myself, the apartment that my boyfriend and others wrecked (and I long gave up on) having been padlocked by the coppers. I need to contact them to retrieve my belongings, along with retracting that fucking statement.

When I'm ready I may well start some sex work again, find an agency that can get me work as I'm sick of being skint. Not ideal, but beats being broke all the time. I want to be the person I was once more, happy and enjoying life, not the shadow a year or more of violence has reduced me to.

I know I can never be straight, normal, and I don't want to. I just want to be happy and live my life on my own terms again. Perhaps that was something he could not handle about me, the fact I was never ashamed of who I was, so he did his damndest to make me. He never quite suceeded.

I will salvage what I can of my fucked up life, and maybe in six months time....I'll be enjoying the summer, as I should have enjoyed the last one. I will no longer cry when I remember the lively, happy girl I was two years ago...cos I will be her again. No man who cannot accept me as I am will be welcome in my life.

Sunday, 27 February 2011

The Animal

I am crying and I can't stop....I want to talk about an animal who belongs behind bars, a sociopath pumped up on steroids who portrays me as a liar, or a woman who deserves beating close to death for the simple reason I have been a sex worker and am a drug user. It was not my partners fault he was using according to this beast, but mine, despite the fact he had a 5 gram a day habit before he even met me.

My boyfriend was bailed out of town where he had nobody apart from a man of a similiar ilk who did not want him there and gave him a beating. Although contacting me was against his bail conditions, he did so because he had nobody else to turn to. I wrote a long letter to his lawyer to get him out of there, and gave him money besides, as he had nothing, despite my own poverty. I had made a statement which I promised to retract, but had not done so as yet as I was focusing on getting well, and getting better I was.

Now thanks to my partner's stupidity and the influence of this animal....I am back several steps. I was given a present by him last week, we had a nice day together...until yesterday. Friday I was ill in bed with gastric flu all day, and the last thing I was up for doing was going round the cop shop explaining why I wanted to retract a statement I made at a time of trauma, especially when I was still weak from the virus. But this did not stop him from switching on me. He asked had I retracted it, I said of course not yet, I was ill. I heard another male voice, who then took the phone off him and started speaking to me in a stupid voice. I asked what the fuck was going on, he texted back that this man, oops, this animal, spoke to me like a child because I 'act like one'. Sure. It is me who nearly beats men to death, lashes out at them when I don't get my own way. However much I may still love my partner, he is not a mature man emotionally by any stretch. And the animal who he chooses to hang with now, who did fuck all for him when he was out of town with nobody (all that was left to Mrs Muggins here) does not even know me yet thinks he can judge me. And the joke of it is, the prick is pumped up on steroids and has aspergers syndrome, one lethal combo.

I was subject to death threats yet again, being told by the man who loved me 5 days ago that if he goes to jail he will be dreaming of my death every night at the hands of his thugs.....the man who did not have a friend in the world on Monday. I should take such threats as they are, mere talk, but it is still not nice to hear and it was not the first time. But he knew I wished to retract the statement, I just told him the previous day I wanted to meet and talk with him first about it, as what I don't want is to be slandered in court as a liar. He was ok with that....then. Before that....animal turned up on the scene. Who thinks it is not only acceptable to beat women but also to terrorise them while they are recovering from an illness.

I am retracting it, but not out of fear, just because I am not vengeful and do not want Jason in jail. But the scumbag he had present....I hope one day one of his antics lands him in jail for a long time, because he is an unpleasant, aggressive, vile bully. And perhaps somebody should ask himself where that animal was when he was stuck out of town with nobody to turn to but me.

I was close to a breakdown, everyone else could see it but the person who was supposed to be closest to me. Or I was blamed for being depressed, when I had put a brave face on it for months. While I was streetwalking supporting both of us while we lived in a hovel, ending with no hot running water. Supporting both our drug habits. I listened to his complaints, told him it would all be alright, while denying my own feelings, sacrificing myself. In return I received abuse that was patched up by the odd bit of love.

Things cannot be like that ever again, I cannot get another place only for him to keep trashing it again. He has to change and show me he has, or it will have to be over. And perhaps he should develop a nicer circle of friends and stop mixing with intellectual and emotional retards on steroids.

Oh, and btw all his other plastic friends, his boys as well, don't want to know. Jimmy etc have all long been off the scene, the men I wrote of in my earlier posts. And so is 'Manfa', the girl addressed in the earlier post. They can all rot in hell far as I am concerned. Not that I have a vendetta, I just don't care. I only care about the monster from last night cos it is so recent.

Saturday, 26 February 2011

My Life

I am living in a women's refuge. I am no longer a streetwalker but get by partly on my benefits and partly from the one or two clients who still ring me, not being able to bring them here. I can only afford to get high once a week or once a fortnight, but not being over my agoraphobia nor having totally regained my confidence in who I am it will take me a while to become the person I was, the person I was happy being once again, and stop being a shadow of my former self.

Sadly I have let a man reduce me to this. The loss of my home, my mental health which was already fragile, my dignity. Two years ago I was a happy recreational user, he was an addict mired in self destruction, sadly. Perhaps he didn't like to see the fact I still enjoyed getting high and he no longer could..the anger maybe stemmed from many places.

I made another mistake, it not being easy for me being alone lately. While the man with the split personality was having a hard time at the bail address he gave, having had a beating by one of his thug associates, he was the nicest, most apologetic man in the world. Did he want something? Of course. A withdrawn statement, and a bit of money, and a letter to his lawyer to ask for his bail address to be changed. Not being over him, I still loved the mf and to my chagrin still have feelings, but I am starting to see him as he emotionally immature and self centred man, lacking in empathy and being unable to take responsibility for his own actions.

Monday was my birthday, he was his nice self and gave me a romantic little present. Christmas was sadly a non event due to the weather, we had no money to buy each other presents and I was deeply depressed, not even being able to get high I knocked myself out on tranqs.

I have not withdrawn the statement I made, the reason being that he has failed to listen to me as he said he would. I made it clear I was not prepared to retract anything til after we have a good talk, because he is doing himself no favours by pleading not guilty and risking a higher sentence, dangerous when you are already on probation and have a suspended jail sentence already. He claims not to remember the assault, while I can far too vividly. In the space of five days, the nice man I saw on my birthday, who was the same I fell in love with, turned back into a sociopathic monster again when he found I'd not done as he wanted...for the reason I had been ill and going to the cop shop, being interrogated was not a top priority when I am trying to make myself well again, physically and mentally.

On Friday I was ill in bed with 24 hour gastric flu, and yesterday it took the best of my strength to walk to the local shops. A phone call ensued, and one of his bullies turned out to be present. I was asked again had I retracted it, in the full knowledge I was too ill to go anywhere. I was then subject to a barrage of threats of al sorts, including yet another of death. Never worry if he is in jail. I get told, cos one of his scummy associates can just do the job.

Sorry I ever found men with an aura of danger exciting or sexy. Sorry for my romantacisation of turbulent and intense relationships in my youth....I got what I craved late in life and all I can say is 'be careful what you wish for'. I am fortunate to be in a place where he cannot hurt me, and I can't let him rule my life anymore. I have to reclaim my own life. For too long I sacrificed all my needs, denied myself so I could be there emotionally, physically, financially for him.

I gave him all he wanted, it was never enough. Ok, perhaps he became akin to a spoilt kid, but to turn his rage against me now it has gone due to circumstances beyond my control anyway (not that it was healthy) is nothing more than a big kid stamping his feet at a mother who cannot give a spoilt child his presents or who cannot stop him facing the consequences of his own actions. I had to be everything ti that man, but more than anything I feel I acted like an indulgent mother. I'd pamper him, give him all he needed and more, all my love, and all I received back was abuse, to the point of near death. There was the nice him, the witty him, the loving man I knew and loved, but there was the monster under the surface. Walking on eggshells anything could bring the madman to the surface.

I am going back to sleep for an hour, I had to get this off my chest as it hurts.

More later.....