I am still alive....I know because of my lifestyle some of my readers might have been concerned as to if anything had happened to me...I didn't know myself I had not updated my blog for so long. Shane (memoirs of a heroinhead) said a similiar thing some months back after not writing for ages, and wrote just to say he was still here so I am doing the same.
Can you believe that some outreach workers for women who sell sex told the coppers they were concerned they had NOT seen me on the streets and were worried? I then had a visit and said I was fine just a bit down...
But I haven't been well....just demotivated. I am only updating now because a friend of mine was good enough to give me his old laptop. I could not be bothered going to the cafe any more, but now I have a home connection once more I should be writing again. Neither the drugs...or him....have killed me. They won't.
I miss my drugs, I miss my music, I miss my parties.....but I am lost as to where I am going, and the fact I am writing again should be a good sign.....I'm a heroin addict again, and that shit makes me lazy. I prefer my uppers, I like to party not sit here gouching out, I won't make excuses but you can't buy cocaine in 10 pound deals, if you do it does hardly anything, and more to my shame I had been smoking crack....that stuff is a nightmare for me.
Business was bad and again, you can buy a 20 quid rock but not many people sell half grams of powder and if it is to do anything it must be good stuff.......it started when we could not get decent powder so I bought crack. Tablets normally deal with comedowns, and I had a small methadone habit for months....but I told myself I wouldn't get back on smack. I don't really like it that much....but the lack of tablets....and despite the fact I have genuine mental health issues that are obvious I have had it up to my eyeballs with uncaring healthcare professionals....who give me nothing. I can see I am making excuses... It is true, my drug use is not just recreational. Heroin is not a recreational drug, and I kidded myself to say my coke use was just that.....ok the party was good but it ended, I did not know when to stop.....I have not had a sniff for nearly a fortnight, I have been depressed as hell and the only way is to knock myself out with downers that are habit forming.
Please don't tell me to go to rehab. I've thought of it but I have not known one person it has worked for.....maybe it is their ideology? 12 step once a junkie always a junkie shit?
I want to get high but can get no tick....and I can't bring myself to do what I had been doing, although I am warming again to it and starting to feel anything is better than sitting around here in misery all day....anyway, sorry for being so negative, but just wanted you all to know I am still here....xx
I will write again very soon...thanks to my friend who was kind enough to give me his old pc....lazy junkie who rarely leaves the house, who was last years party girl...I have a few things to say that upset me to write about, but I will do...when ready. Happy new year readers x
4 years ago