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Saturday, 29 January 2011

The End....

Not of this blog, but of the sorry farce that was me and him. It is true this time, Snow Queen is single again for the first time in two years.

My boyfriend did his worst last night. He is in the cells as I write this, and Monday I leave my address. It was late at night, we had no more coke and he got pissed off when not being able to score any crack. He went into self pitying mode, saying he hated himself, wanted to die etc. I tried to comfort him, in return I got not gentle lovemaking but the aggressive sex he so loves. He hurt me by pushing me back too roughly, the usual hair pulling while I begged him to be gentle with me, I was feeling fragile and all. He then acted normal again, wanted to go to sleep, but I was too upset too. I made the mistake of complaining about his behaviour, not for the first time. I had told him I was reaching the end of my patience with the way he was being. My complaints were met first with dismissal, then with verbal abuse...'you are insane', 'you should feel lucky I wanted to shag you', 'you have no friends, everyone I know thinks you drag me down'...and 'you are a depressive bitch'. So said the man who half an hour earlier implicitly threatened suicide. A man who hates himself cannot love another person. He does not love me because he cannot. Only a professional can help him now....I gave him all the love I could and still failed. He rejected it. He thinks because he has been hurt by women before to abuse me is his right, and I unwittingly became a scapegoat for all that went wrong in his life. I told him whatever his problems he always had me....now he has nobody.

I have to help myself, I know that now. My arguing with him resulted in the worst beating of my life. His hands were in my mouth, I was choking. I had no choice but to scream for help and phone a neighbour. The police and ambulance came, he left in a taxi but phoned to apologise for the fourth time this week. The police took my phone, traced the call and what taxi he left in. To get the driver on his side he accused me of self harm, saying the lump on my head was caused by me banging my head against the wall. They found him and took him away in the end. He has denied everything, and right now I am too afraid to press charges due to the threats made on me before, that his thugs will be on to be me. He said last night he owns me and I was born to be a slave. But then he was my pimp after all, he was no regular boyfriend.

I sometimes dream of being happy and settled, having as I should by my age a career, husband, family. I rejected that and chose instead to be a self destructive druggie. I regret it now. Nothing wrong with recreational use, but addiction is hell. My boyfriend blames his violence on drink, drugs...or me.

But we are over. The man could have killed me, and if I took him back again he may do that. He has overstepped the mark. I have forgiven him verbal, financial, physical abuse til I have become a shadow of my former self. No more. I will be me again and rebuild my life. Once more I will be the girl who lived for my music, my nights out, my days strumming my acoustic on the beach. And when I am ready....I might find a man who deserves the love I have to give, not an abuser who takes it for weakness. My ex is a predator who spits on all who try to help him. I hope he gets the professional help he needs, but I can't deal with him anymore. He said last night he did not want to ever see me again, but phoned me in the taxi saying sorry before he was arrested. So I won't take that as gospel...I would not put it past him to try to come back, but the court may well impose an injunction as part of his bail conditions.

I am very sad. The man I fell in love with reappeared several months back when I was the only person who would help him. Where were your petty thugs then, Jason, the ones who think I am oh so bad for you? Did they feed you, give you a home, money and all else? Did they hell. I did, and my thanks is to be nearly killed for it.

Goodbye, and I hope you get the help you need. Before one day...you kill someone. I loved you but you were to blind to see or accept it. Attacking me for what you forced me into doing for a living by taking all I had. Rare was any loving sex I craved, more common was the abusive type, hair pulling, being called a slut etc that I tired of. Dom sub games are no fun when the sub has no boundaries, and I was allowed none. Goodbye my love,

With Sadness,

Snow xx

5 comments:

  1. Even fucked up relationships are tough to part with. Feel for you hun.

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  2. Good to see you're back writing with a new lap-top. I hope you will enjoy being single and independent again >:)

    Cold As Heaven

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  3. Indeed. Although it was so destructive, it is still agony facing being alone again...and grieving again.

    I had no choice but he cannot help himself, and I must help myself. For some weird reason he managed to text me from the cells and asked me to deal with something for him, in the belief I will take him back as I usually have. But phones are normally taken away.

    He don't get that nearly throttling me to death was a step too far ...expects me to forgive him again.

    His threats to leave and never see me again...were never meant, just emotional blackmail for me to accept his abuse. But this time....I cannot let him back as I know for sure he may kill me one day unless he gets help.

    And it is not a kind of help I can give through the power of my love alone. A man cannot be helped who cannot face the fact he has a problem, and whose woman forgives him every beating. I was not willing to lie for him yet again, so I told the police he beat me, and they saw the marks. Perhaps he will get helped, imposed by the courts as conditions of staying out of jail (being already on probation and a suspended sentence for violent crime), but blaming everyone else is no way to deal with it. Violence solves nothing, and his violence 'against me was not provoked as he claimed. It was caused by me defending myself against all the verbals.

    I love him still...but he nearly killed me last night. My room was trashed for the millioneth time. I can take no more, can cope with him no more, having already been reduced to a shadow. I cannot lose my mind totally. My speech is already affected, along with me developing other nervous ticks.

    I ache all over. I shake, have panic attacks. I stutter and stammer, and come accross as a nervous wreck. This, my readers, was last years feisty coke driven, guitar playing, rocking party girl. Am agoraphobic, opiate ot benzodiazepine dependent wreck, being rarely able to afford my drug of choice or to go out to enjoy it.

    I sacrificed myself for Jason and it has made him no better. I cannot do it anymore,

    I hope one day he will know why I told the cops the truth. Please hom plead guilty ...for your own sake. I still love you but I can't be with you or deal with you anymore, at least not for the near future. I value my life, believe or not. I am a survivor, not a victim of men. Get the help you need, my fiendish lover, or ex as the case more likely is xx

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  4. Be selfish in this case honey. As C said even the worst co-dependent relationships are hard to break away from.
    You have so much to give, but now it is time to take, or should I say receive some genuine love from someone who truly loves you.
    They are out there somewhere, believe me.
    Take care beautiful
    x

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