How dare that talentless chav who only got her crap career started via her rich daddy's connections try to copy Amy and have the nerve to diss her? Bitch!
Indeed she is a fucking fake, sad ass stripper indeed! Who the fuck she thinks she is? Just like Jentina...first two singles catchy tunes but crap lyrics and all her other songs suck. Jentina's first single was catchy but the rest is crap. Maybe they should get together? And foul mouthed Lil stop dissing people with REAL talent who are not fakes like you?
The bitch admitted she was jealous of Amy cos Lily has troub with her weight...how insecure can you get? If she had talent what fucking dress size she has should not matter, copying Amy's behive, trying to imitate her voice....fucking fake indeed. Screw her and Jentina both.
Amy may be gone but she still lives on through her music....sad ass Lil is still on this planet and how big is her fan base? Who had the most talent and sold the most records? Nobody has to answer that question cos they know.
Fuck you Lily you fake bitch! I don't wish you a happy new year. No, I can't say no to drugs, I smoke etc but I don't need you or Jentina to teach me how to party. Amy had the attitude and the talent....you don't. RIP Amy we love you forever x
A happy new year to all my readers, hope you all have fun tonight whatever you are doing. Not got any certain plans for yet but am going to get a bit of gear and go out anyway, fuck it. I texted that woman from the other night who said she might be up for going out, then maybe I can get to candyman lol.....depending on his feelings at this precise moment which we know are volatile. He was sharing anecdotes the other night with her about the amount of coke him and I had done together, then was sharing with me ones about her. They'd had some great gear, my first question was where is it? He likes to make us wait. After it finished we wanted some more but as we were not the ones with the money it was not up to us, and he needed some sleep anyway, as you know is why I had to leave. But I left my phone charger there by accident can't fork out on another and I've had hookers show up when I've been there who have accidently left things so if need be I go get it.
I know all this is surreal. I have plans for the new year to reduce my consumption (demanding of myself to totally quit is too much, I've got by before by limiting it to weekends) and work on my writing and get back into playing music again, which has been neglected, repractise what I do know and learn some more, have some new lyrics but no chords as yet. Only have an acoustic guitar at pres which one string needs changing but no big project to buy and change one string! It has too much wire which makes it hard to tune and it goes out well easy. And I have some great ideas for some writing, enough material from my own life to publish anon, enough from this damn blog alone.
Know now that candyman would be impossible to live with full time, likely I would not be able to play or write there, just be at his beck and call to get high with him when he wants and other times do his errands and chores, I'd have no 'me' time but he'd find time for himself.....with other women or his buddies if he can't bear his own company and I (or whichever woman gets in his bed) starts to grate on him. Least I have sussed that.
Hope we all have a good 2012, and let's have a good party tonight wherever we be! I will with or without him! All the best xx
Reason does not always control what I do, the demon beckons and I follow.
He called last night, same woman there as before, from same profession as me. It was 3.30 am she was rattling again, asked could I help. I said at first no it be difficult that time of night.....but then thought of someone I could try for some pills. Although they weren't quite enough they were enough to make her feel better, so I got a taxi to his.
He was off his nut as usual, put a bottle of amyl nitrates under my nose to sniff and they were strong. I nearly fell over and he caught me. Went to bedroom and got on ok with the woman, surprisingly. Seemed he put her up cos she had nowhere to go, she wants out of sex trade too but is taking each day as comes, pretty much as I am. With amyl nitrates we just ended up in stitches, and he spoke about his greatest pleasures, sex and drugs. Then came out the coke.
Nobody knew before that I can swing both ways, they do now. He wanted to watch, it was his idea. He'd had too much to perform fully but men have hands so we all had a good time. Went with her down to the steam room we wanted him to join but he was too wrecked by then so we went and chatted. She'd been there 10 days, longest I had was roughly a fortnight, followed by four a week later. Seems I got threw out because I failed to clean his whole place and also wasn't very willing to have him have other hookers round while I was there, but on my last day I came round to idea as fantasy. He made it real ok. This woman not only cleaned his place but didn't mind him having several other women there either. Never thought I would meet more of a martyr than myself, maybe that's why we clicked. Don't know how he felt about us making friends, he probably expected the jealousy that happened last time when he invited someone round with me there, we did not get along and nothing took place, she left pretty pissed off. Maybe that's why I've gone down on the list, but she says he does not have a bad word to say about me and thinks the world of me, after I asked if she knew about him throwing me out those times and she did. I feel a bit bad for slating him but I was upset. Perhaps in his own way he does think the world of me (or us), but men with coke fuelled egos can be selfish and thoughtless, as I well know. Take or leave, that's the way it is. We both told him jokingly he was an animal, a monster who was corrupting us and he laughed and said we were the corrupters.
As she had nowhere to stay and seemed to be top of the list now I had to go and I think she wanted me to, I don't blame her was I her I would want me to go. He told me was he not so wrecked I could stay but maybe the two of us would grate on him after a while. Truly think he does not intend to hurt anyone but men don't think like women, especially after a bit too much. Oh well. Don't know if I am a loon but I sure aint the only one. I should have cleaned the house and not taken his pills that time without asking, and been less possessive as the man can't be faithful. Lol xx
I am a crap hooker cos I have a heart and values.....and principles. This sums it up.....why I can be crap at what I do and men take from me often more than I take cos I don't have a heart of fucking stone x
At the root of it I know I am not to blame in any other sense for letting that man take me for a ride I will never forget. The jerk probably thinks I will go back as soon as he clicks his fingers. He is wrong. I will be no man's fool again.
The other Monday he texted me sounding upset, I called him. He asked me to go round and party as he had a bad week and just wanted to get shitfaced. I told him I was cleaning my room, he told me just get sorted. So I did. He used to come out and meet me paying for the taxi, not this time. I went up to find him on the phone and he ended telling me to go through his change as I had no money.
I had already found out from another source that he had another hooker round that Friday and Saturday. His kitchen was a tip when I found it, I began by putting the glasses in a pile. Ok we had a good time but it was on his terms. In between getting high, getting fucked etc I acted as his personal secretary and cleaner, there was shitloads of washing up and an empty rubber packet in a glass. Thursday came, and I had told him I wanted out of the sex trade as it causes men to treat me like shit, and there is no hope of finding a good relationship while in it. He will only have currently working hookers as fuck buddies, can't tie him down while you shag other men for money or he will go with other hookers. So he said he would get me some work, and by that evening we would both have money and the other. I need not work in the sex trade any more.
He had rushed me out of bed that morning, I needed my pills first to function and he knew that. They were in his drawer as he likes to take them too, so he gave me a couple then sent me down to the kitchen while he made business calls. Not long after a company employee showed up, I was told to get into the kitchen while she was ordered upstairs. I spoke to her briefly, unperturbed as I was getting to know what he is like. I commented that she talks as much as me, he said don't she just. I mopped the filthy floor after sweeping it. A glass had broken and he had stepped in a bit the previous night, told me it would not be forgotten that I had not swept up properly.
He told me I had to go as there were some guys coming round I did not want to meet, I'd have to come back later when they had gone. I said they did not have to see me, I could hide in the bedroom. During those three days as well as all the other stuff I had to talk bullshit to the hostel people persuading them not to kick me out as my room was a tip from a party there Sunday. I said to him weren't we meant to be doing things together all day, I was told the rules had changed. So I went down to finish making the small breakfast I was meant to make both of us. He flew into a rage when he saw I not only had failed to wash the dishes that would not fit in the dishwasher but also failed to clean the lounge his poker buddies left in a mess.
I knew why he was being like this, he would not have gotten away with it before. He did it cos he knew he could as I had feelings for him. The man is so cheeky it is unreal. He ordered me to clear the mess I had made in the bedroom (I have never left a mess in his room). He said I either had to chip in from now on or pull my weight, I was prepared to do both. He wouldn't lend me any money (the man who once used to pay me to jerk him off!) so threw me out giving me a tenner for a taxi ride home. He knew I would not spend it on a cab, that after our drinking session I would want alcohol. I had no tablets, no drugs at all, and he admits if he stopped taking all he did straight away he would turkey, as he needs tablets as well.
But I still kept asking myself what had I done wrong. But he is impossible to please and would have found something at some point to flip over.
Don't get me wrong, the man can be good company, I wouldn't have gone back if he wasn't, and he's ok in the sack. But it's not worth all the downsides. I'm gonna distance myself for sure. If he carries on with his attitude he will never find the love and happiness he claims to crave. It will be his loss.
He did not call me back that night as promised, I had one text from him saying he was ok just had 'a lot on', prior to Saturday's lovely gift. No more needs to be said about this now really. A happy new year to all my readers, and I aint being a slave to any jerk.
Oh, I forgot how many grams of coke we got through...which he says I have now to work my arse off for (and I don't mean sex work, as it ceased to be work with him) or chip in. But it sure was enough to give me a craving for more, the days when I haven't had any have been fewer than the days I have, when I had managed to cut it down to weekends and paydays for a while.....and he knows what I have to do to get it. All this from a man who is rich....but in debt and falling into negative equity. Felt so angry I could have smashed his flash car up but I won't do anything dumb.
But I am a fool for going along for the ride and falling in love with a jerk.
I know my last posts have been a bit wacko...some people attract shit like a magnet and it seems I am one. If I truly want love and a happy life I should look elsewhere than to find men with enormous coke fuelled egos who think they can treat women like shit....but I don't seem to click with nice men. At times I am confused about what I want....
I have not been feeling well the last few days, partly because I overdid things and also because the last traces of opiates are out of system. I had no coke so used alcohol which made it worse so I spent yesterday puking. Feel pissed off that I missed a client who had money and fucking coke cos I was too ill to go anywhere, but maybe my body needed a rest, I just hope he calls back as it has been a long time.
Had that jerk texting yesterday sick messages, was too ill to see him too. Have to be careful with my big fat gob too, could get me in trouble with these jerks. I know I play with fire but I can't seem to stop at times. And if someone called me today I know I would go running back, despite the fact he has taken me for a ride..
I didn't have a bad time xmas day just was a shame I got ill at the end, and have so much shit on my mind. I hope you guys all had a good time. Let's hope we all have a happy and prosperous new year xx
Motherfuck....check how 'Frosty' comes after 'White Xmas'....dreaming of one like 'the ones before'. Frosty has to hurry on his way, but he be back another day so don't cry.. Sung by Ronnie Spector his then wife. At least he had the redeeming character of musical talent.
A happy xmas to all my friends....the part of an album by a coke fuelled ego maniac Phil Spector. I love the bit about him leaving a woman alone and the next track about 'Santa Clause' coming. I am alone with no fucking snow tonight had a decent day but the demon is on my shoulder. Seasons greetings, happy (white if you wish as I do) xmas and a prosperous new year x
By Leonard Cohen....and Phil Spector! I spoke the truth....what happened to his eyes, happened my beauty....happened to him. He aint on fb so he busy shagging some hooker and is making me know....I picked a Spector minus the music talent. 'He free as running water, the way it's got to be, lover'. Put a brave face but can't deny the man is doing my head in with his wonderful xmas gift of spending the night with another hooker who is a smackhead.....rather than the woman who fell in love with him.
A happy xmas to all my friends and followers. This song was produced by Phil Spector, with his wife Ronnie singing it.
Phil was a woman beater and a cokehead. I don't know if he wrote this song but I have a feeling who frosty is.....him?
Song bout a man with a cold heart cold eyes. Oh, but he makes people happy cos he has snow. Bet she had a good time....when he felt like it.
'Don't you cry, he'll be back again some day'. Indeed he will. But no more tears from me for Mr Frosty. Jerk had no decency to treat someone who actually gives a shit to a white xmas but gives it to another tart. Lovely.
I like his music but Phil Spector is one class a motherfucker. He is in jail for shooting a woman on his ranch. Any wonder I wish I had a gun myself at times? To quote PJ Harvey, I want to come to a different end than that. And god help me I will, any motherfucker who tries to fuck with me again has got it coming. Snow Queen is in vengeance mode I am angry as hell and it is not a pretty site.
Hope you all have a nice time, I have had a nice invite from a friend who has a wife I get on with and a lovely daughter. I will be ok without Frosty. All my love xx
He asked me to keep my work away from him and not mention tricks, but ok for him to rub his hookers in my face, not only talk of them but get them to ring me? Bastard.
Retro baby, it is all so 80s aint it? If I rang him and got a trick on the phone asking to help procure some candy dust I would be told to fuck off. But ok for him to do that to me at xmas of all time. One rule for him, another for me. Cos he got the cash and the dust, he who holds the capital has the power. Wait til I have some capital, my fortune cookie said I will be rich too next year and this phase of poverty be gone. Then I will get you, oh yes.
Sit back down where you belong in the corner of my bar with your high heels on......indeed. Oh, and the first time was on the bloody couch. Think I been underestimated, and that is a mistake to make with me. He knows I aint dumb, is probably why I had no reply to that text. And I have one of the bastards documents that he should and probably does want. He's playing games as usual. Just don't push me too far.
I posted poker face on here for a reason, because I am starting to beat the player at his bloody card games. And the man is a bad loser. Used to getting what he wants, when he wants it, now. Well next time I will keep him fucking waiting. Oh, but he might book another hooker but he pays if he wants me bad enough. Gonna revert to my old tactics if he treats me like a whore I'll treat him as a trick again. Two can play games, aint much fun playing solitaire, and he'll get bored alone with his poker buddies and so will they and wanna book some hookers or golddiggers.
Jerk. You are being a fool here, got to be in control cos you got the cash. Carry on this way you will never find the love you are looking for. We were meant to be an item and I would do some work and chip in, I run your fucking errands shopping cooking cleaning while pissed coked up etc. You lied when you said I stayed in bed all day while you fucking worked, you were off your nut as well. The mess in the lounge and the bar that you and your buddies was not mine to clear up, and finding used rubber packets in a glass in the kitchen that I did fucking clean wasn't too cool. And your mate joked 'at least somebody has been practising safe sex'. Cos I know you can't keep a hard on with a rubber on so at least I was reassured you were only getting your cock sucked in that orgy.
Two weeks of washing up, the kitchen was a tip but I cleaned it, you were unhappy as I failed to scrub every dish after the washer was full. I AINT YOUR FUCKING SLAVE GIRL!
And then having a go because I had not cleaned mess in lounge or bar after them....no wonder you fantasise about me wearing silly clothes. Sent shopping with a list had to get every item as 'not to make you mad'.
You stupid motherfucker. I am taking no more shit, I am nobody's clown. You have dissed me bigtime, and I will get you back for this. If you can be nothing but a bastard I can be a bitch from hell if that's what you want.
Wooing me with all your smooth talk, then when you got into my knickers you take that as a green light to be a motherfucker. You stupid man, carry on this way and you will never find the love you told me you crave. But insult me by implying I aint good enough, when you will never find anyone as caring loyal as me.
Been worried about you all week.....you told me you were fine just had a 'lot on'. Right. So comes the crunch. A 'lot on' meant you had other hookers round after we were meant to be an item, summerboy. I know now cos you pushed me over the edge. Tried to ruin my xmas eve didn't ya? Calling me to give me some hope after I texted you saying miss you hon, happy xmas. When you were on the phone you put me onto some hooker you had round to ask for the number where she could get.....opiates! When you know damn well I been off that shit, that I was only using as painkillers. The pain went as I was not getting beat any more. And this is a promise....you are damn lucky I am willing to see you again after tonights nasty stunt. You don't scare me cos I can play your game, you know I am not a dumb tart, in fact you claimed to respect my intelligence so treat it with some fucking respect from now on.
I don't care who else you see, despite the fact you horribly threw me out after we were meant to be an item and I was no longer a hooker as you had other work for me that came to nothing. I was promised all my dreams come true and you kicked me out in the rain with nothing. Go play with women's heads, and its easy to do it to hookers with nothing when you are Mr Rich, aint it. Cos of course you know we got no money just like getting shitfaced, while daddy is rich. Fuck this for a laugh. You lost me money the other week, just fed me with coke and booze and threw me out when you wanted some variety, shagging your secretary and then booking another hooker.
I HAVE NEVER IN ALL MY YEARS ON THIS PLANET MET SUCH A SELFISH ARROGANT MAN AS YOU! Nice xmas gift to know I have got another bastard, who was a real gentleman before he knew I had feelings for him. I don't want another paper gangsta, ok? Knowing my script etc, you did not like it when I said I know I've been played, first round to you, play on. Well, you are getting the queen of spades next time, not the queen of hearts again. As you've pulled a nasty card, you done an ace of spades on me. You know I am not thick so if you want to see me ever again no more bullshit stunts. And this is a promise, if you ever dare hit me I will be out of the door forever.
I can't attack you for pulling other hookers as you will be bound to turn that on me, asking what have I been doing while away. But I do it for money not out of love or desire. You have them round out of your twisted desire. I was in pieces earlier, I was gave a lift by this jerk who asked are you a brass? I said what the hell made him assume I was a hooker, he said he had seen me somewhere. I said I wondered where, as he looked familiar to me too. And said that tricks are in no position to insult or slate hookers, as no demand no supply, right? That shut him up, in front of his mates exposing the fact he pays for sex and made himself, not me, look a fool. They laughed at him. And then he still wanted me to go back with him after I got out the car, I had other things to do.
You don't like being associated with hookers either, at least not openly. Mr Big has his dirty little secrets but I will be nobody's dirty secret. I called the guy with the meth to ask him not to give any to any hookers tonight. Sorry whoever you were on the phone, me and him aint your fault sorry if you must suffer. I offered to bring some as to see nobody ill, and yes I wanted to see that prick too. But he knows what I can be like and knew I probably would be mean. And I felt angrier than I had ever done, the meth guy had never heard me so angry! But if you are staying there you gonna rattle and he ruined my night so he can have a lovely time with someone rattling in his bed. Guess he had taken my codeine as he likes to dabble a bit himself on the dark side when the light is fading, he kicked me out without those pills that I needed just to not puke up. Sorry if you have to puke, but sure he will bring you a bowl as he is being a gentleman with you right now, as he once was with me. He would not bring me a bowl now if I had food poisoning, sickness of whatever, he'd just say get the fuck into the bathroom and don't mess his carpet.
Bent over backwards for that man in several ways, including searching for hidden bags of coke in his bar, and getting under the bed to search for them, sorted through his mail, everything. A skivvy and a shagbag paid in coke and booze, then was even asked when would I chip in was promised work so I could chip in and was sent away with nothing. But I know you. You will call back, when your vengeance mood is over. You will get bored with the tarts who just go over for booze and drugs and have dull conversation, and you will miss my 'intelligent company' when it doesn't scare you to hell knowing you met your match. And then watch me pull the Queen of Spades.
I texted 'Summerboy' yesterday just to say I had a letter belonging him, after not hearing a word for over 10 days and thinking it may be the end....surprise he texted me back said he is fine and fine with me too, I aint pissed him off he has just 'had a lot on'. I replied no problem, I quite understand as I am pretty busy myself, just can't help but worry about my friends, and just said call me sometime soon, we'll see when, you will probably know when there is a slight gap in my writing for a week or so. Would be nice to have a white christmas together but I will see what happens and not bank on it, as I don't know his plans and not sure what mine are, will have to take it as it comes. But to quote Lady Gaga seems we will still have the summer after all....whenever it comes, be it this week or next.
Meanwhile I have a besotted client who stated openly he 'wishes he was him'. I got a bit over friendly with this guy and should not have done....now the only way I can call a halt to it is to say no more, I won't do anything with this guy even if I have no money I will look elsewhere, and the fact I was staying with this guy to get away from the hostel as it was quieter made him expected to pay him in kind....and the fact he only has one room, I could not sleep one night and disturbed him allegedly makes me liable for him having to take the week off work. I am now a selfish bitch, slut, every name under the sun and the worse prick tease on earth. I was an idiot not wanting to be on my own, and hell every time I've gone there I've offered some coke if I have some, which he normally declines but accepted last time. He is full of mouth as well. This guy knows I do not enjoy shagging him....but in his delusions he believes I love it with every other client. 'Have fun shagging men for money or drugs' the other night were his words.I said it is not 'fun' but work, a means to an end. He asked how shagging men in return for coke is 'work'....to which I responded ideally cash plus a bit of the other is ideal, cash alone is indeed work, but if I want to get high I will spend my money that way anyhow so it makes no odds, is just a short cut if anything and how I choose to spend my money is my business. It gets more absurd, saying that makes me a 'selfish bitch'. This man is getting pissed off cos he is failing to make me fall for him....he is a client not a friend as he has never helped me out for nothing, any offers of financial help when I have been at my lowest have required payback.
Meanwhile...last night a male friend of mine who wanted nothing gave me some money as an Xmas gift and did not ask how I intended to spend it.. I have been good to myself, done my nails, new clothes, hair and everything so it has not all been blown on drugs. Now that is a friend, cash for an xmas gift and he wanted nothing back from me at all. However friendly they may try to get, tricks always think as tricks and have one thing on their mind. Whereas true friends give without expecting anything back. I give to my friends in that way and keep no record sheet. With clients they keep a track sheet as no matter what sweet talk they give to get cheaper it is always a business transaction, so never forget that girls if you are in that trade. I guess we all know that but make the odd error of judgement, especially if you are a warm hearted person who has a warm friendly nature and is naturally inclined to see the best in folks. I know I can be selfish, which may partly be a result of my addictions and greed, but that does not change my basic nature, and there are guys out there who play on it, as I have learnt too well.
I told the besotted client he will never be my summerboy so to stop the idea now, and by continuing to do the business I am only encouraging it. I have never been anything but honest with him.....when doing the act my heart and mind have been elsewhere and I told him. At first he kept saying 'I like shagging you, I think you like shagging me too'....I used to humour him so as not to lose a client but I drew a barrier so as not to let him get silly, but obviously I should have been clearer. Then he knew the brutal truth.....he said he did not care as it 'turns him on' to shag someone else's girlfriend anyway. Well, it sure don't turn me on to shag other women's boyfriends, so god knows where this guy's head is at. Friends do not complain to me that my business transactions have been 'crap'....to quote the words of this little charmer. I won't say mixing business with pleasure can always apply to that industry unless you are totally cold and play dead...which I don't. But I keep my distance, there is a difference between a lover and a client. Once that line is crossed there is no going back, as I know.
Anyway, I did get some work last night, got a bit more cash plus a little something else so all is ok for now, and I hope myself and all my readers will have a good xmmas whatever, mine won't be like last year for sure when I was with that little paper gangsta who fucked off for the day because he was ashamed for me to meet his family....who got presents at my expense. But that is the past.
Meanwhile my new years resolution is to work on my writing, get some paid blogging and some stuff on the pc, and write some pulp fiction and erotica and find a market for it. I have many ideas and some unpublished material as is, plus my lyrics.
Have a good evening all, catch up soon. I may be off to see my friends gig tonight, hope I enjoy. Til Later xxx
I am furious with the motherfucker but want to go back for more, despite the fact he is playing games. I play with fire.....I should have recognised his smooth talk for what it was, when he got to shag me his attitude changed....so why do I still want him?
Meanwhile I have treated myself for Xmas, got my roots done, bought some new clothes, done my nails etc for myself as much as any man. If that bastard does not call I will just find another 'summerboy'...and I will still have my moonlights and my candydust etc. Fixed myself up now for a good xmas just need some cash to get wrecked....or a guy that will pay even if it is not him I am past caring. He will call when ready.
Oh, and he shags his secretary. Before throwing me out he ordered her upstairs while ordering me into the kitchen to clean his mess up....fuck that I am no man's fool, love or no love. Be hitting the town this weekend if I don't hear anything.....Prince Charming shows his dark side very quick. Oh well, at least I have no illusions about the man. But if he wants to play on so we can be alone with candy dust and get into bed let him, but I have my limits!
Btw I was slamming myself for my dark roots....before I saw Debbie Harry's on one of her vids looking how I did last week before I had my roots done and styled my hair, every artificial blonde lapses at times. Now my hair is all blonde and wavy, I got some cool clothes and I am out to rock! No more straight hair and dark roots....at least not for another month lol x
I just tried to make this post and it did not go through so here we go again....Last night I was broke after my shopping bender, a client let me down and I was worried bout walking in the cold damp rain. But a friend treated me....and I had a nice surprise when someone met me off the internet, paid me in money and in stuff so still managed to have my shopping and still get shitfaced......Luck so far has been on my side for survival, I just not been so lucky in love....
But I am thinking of me, I am just as capable as being as materialistic and as selfish as anyone I know. I got my shopping, still got some money and had my gear so been a lucky girl as far as my material wants go.
Meanwhile I have plans for the new year, I won't do sex for money much longer and will put all my time into fulfilling my long term goal of being a writer. I had some non fiction published, I have some erotic fiction that hope goes like hotfire, just need to set myself up. Also some plans of live blogging or webcam may come to fruition just need my damn laptop fixed is all.....with any luck its good this time of year, I will earn and I will get my needs as well as my wants. And I have my lyrics...my guitar playing is way out of practice as the bankrupt car salesman who took all I had even lost me my interest in my music in the end....but the real me is coming back live and kicking and no man, even if he is the American President, can stop me now.....far as 'summerboy' goes the ball is in his court, but I can't wait forever for it to be hit back into mine as I am busy too, so I can't wait too long lest I may find another. ....he aint the only man in the fucking world. He'll call back when he misses me eventually....if it aint too late.
Cos as from now it is all about me, fuck the rest. I have as much right to be selfish as anyone.
You will hear from me again before xmas, and thank you to all my readers for your support and following my blog, despite the long gap in my writing.
Got some cash but blew it shopping. Summerboy aint called and am waiting on another damn contact not to let me down. I won't say much now but I feel like shit my moods are fucking volatile just want to feel better....heard an associate who I only met once died of alcohol and he was young. It looks like I am still relying on the kindness of strangers.
I am in a hostel full of smackheads, who I can relate to but am not on the same wavelength as people who wanna go down not up, it is doing my head in I want out but the house daddy won't let me move back out from feeling what is living like with my parents (when in my late 30s) unless he never sees me pissed and I do my best to be a good girl (room inspections etc all that shit that is like semi rehab) then he will ask the state to lend me some money towards my own place.
Fuck this. If I can rely on no man I have myself and won't give up, I will grovel to the State or no man when I have done no big harm. Someone tried to kill me, not vice versa. By March I will be self employed, paying my own taxes and will be employing an accoutant. I have resources talents and am now angry enough to use them with a vengeance.
If I want to do what I will I will, nobody can stop me I do as I will. As long as I hurt nobody, and have the full intention to not be a sponge then they can get off my back.
It is pissing down of rain outside, need to get some money but at least I have a new pink Hello Kitty brolly that may attract attention.
Hate reducing myself to this...again. But while my head is in this state it is hard for me to sort myself out....and I am highly reluctant to grovel ever again to the State I am beginning to loathe more each day for anything. I get more sympathy from law enforcement than the so called 'caring agents' who are supposed to help people with housing problems but nobody gives a damn about junkies anyway. As it is all self inflicted, those idiots can't see that was I happy I would not feel this constant burning urge to get wrecked and get shagged to get wrecked and get shagged to get....god damn it to hell.
Still not heard from 'summerboy' and the rain does not help. I am not a happy girl. I was putting a brave face earlier til someone proved to me that most of my male friends are fake and are only there cos they all want to shag me. I indeed do feel like doll parts x
He threw me out again Thursday from his luxury pad after an argument to my shithole of a junkie hostel that the last motherfucker landed me in. I left with a tenner to my name which he knew I would not spend on a cab. I walked in the rain with a cider bottle and I was given a fur jacket by a total stranger....some good people in the world.
So I went back to my hovel which I am one step from being evicted from, but I still managed to get shitfaced. A guy asked me to get stuff for him, shared with me and I had to do nothing sexual.
Partied with someone last night who was an unusual character....but I might find a way out of this vicious cycle. I can write erotica or serious articles.....there is enough filth on this blog as it is and I have more to fill a whole book, had I more time you would be reading more....but I can be serious. In this game the guys come out on top....the domestic violence I had with that bastard who took all I had...I was the one who was punished. The state have tried to blackmail me, not him, into rehab. I served a jail term for the man who nearly killed me....he is walking free and making money while I am struggling on as ever. I hope one day he gets what's coming.
More later...on how a so called friend of mine let me down for the sake of £50 and a few crack pipes, also how my desire has been re awakened by the man in my last post....guess the coke must have stayed in my system a long time as I kept dreaming of.....getting fucked. I even sold myself cheap for the fun of getting a shag, the money was a benefit. Hell....I was starting to enjoy the job I had hated!
Get up to some filth last night, I let a friend dominate me for the fun of it while a woman watched. Two lines, one smoke and I was up for it, well up for it.
I have to go and get some cash as it is Saturday and I would like some semblance of a party, even without the man I long for.....unless I turn up with the gear?
I know it has been a while since I have written...but the good news is that every emotion I had for that motherfucker that helped me ruin myself has gone forever.
The other news is....I don't know if it is good or bad. My last post was intended to be about my struggle with alcohol (mental, not physical), and how that is more of a killer for me. I can't get drunk and am not always a happy drunk...at times it acts as it's function....a downer, depressent. I don't like downers unless they are to...help me come down from my ups.
But I won't deny I am an alcoholic as well as a drug addict....and cocaine will not destroy my liver as booze does. And I don't enjoy the latter as much....perhaps I should smoke weed instead.
But I have for the first time in my life fallen in love with a guy I met as a client....and a rich one too. He is a cokehead and and an alcoholic too but a rich one, so he does not need my shit money. I don't want his.....I just want the love and afffection, the sex with emotion that I have craved for since I have had to be a single sex worker. I want out of that industry and have plans of getting out...but my recent crisis has stopped them going forward, as will be explained later.
I lose count of how many grams of coke we got through that fortnight between us.....and we drank a hell of a lot. He had ceased to be a client for a while as I stopped asking for cash, just company and a good time....and obviously I did not supply the coke. But I shagged him for the first time without a rubber, told him what I wanted and liked....and it was good. I like being with intelligent funny men who can dominate me without being abusive....he fit into those boxes. I tried not to get my hopes up too much....but I can't get the man out of my head.
We had been up for five nights and both out moods were volatile, he also had a few mates round. Try spending the evening straight with a bunch of cokeheads and see who can talk over the others the most or dominate the conversation.....you see what I am getting at.
Anyway, we scored some diazepam so we could try to mellow. We had already had a few drug fuelled rows....but I made the fatal mistake of taking his diazes without asking, I know I was wrong but I had been sharing mine with him besides the fact I thought he had more or was getting more....but he got mad. The situation escalated and he threw me out with only a tenner in my pocket, no drugs. I phoned him he promised to meet me the next day....he switched on me and decided he was still angry as I disturbed his neighbours who had been shit stirring.....the man upstairs disliked me and thought I was yet another one of his coke whores (no mistake, but I thought I was a special one lol.....)...but seriously I did bond with this man who I had known for a long time but only recently got to know properly. I thought something might happen.....I had unprotected sex which he knows I never do with clients. And I snuggled up to him in bed for the first time.....anyone can read the look in my eyes.
That is why I am gutted to be back in the hostel, back in street prostitution to obtain my needs plus my habit. He is blankibng me...and I have heard he has had other women round since. But I am praying it was not all a game on his part, to make me grovel and offer sex for free......I regard myself as a hard nut to crack and I have NEVER fallen in love with clients, normally it has been the reverse.
But this man has won....he has beat me at the game, I hold my white flag up. I just want a happy ending story this time....and I am unable to bond with 'nice', 'normal' etc men, I can only relate to fuck ups like myself, rich or poor.
Get in touch motherfucker and stop blanking the woman who loves you, I am already close to despair that you have already been shagging other women while I have been crying, rattling etc. I don't want another broken heart, ok?
I won't deny that I am a cocaine addict, a few weeks ago I was writing that the fact I could limit my use to once or twice a week meant my use had become recreational was just a way of making myself feel better....but if anything I have at least got my addiction under control. I will never agree with the 12 steppers that abstinence is the only way, controlled use can and does work in my case, and used in moderation cocaine use is a help and not a hinderance as it increases productivity and concentration to a person whose condition makes it harder for them to do that, so I will defy common wisdom.
I have recently found I have attention defiency disorder, which I have noticed is not uncommon among cocaine addicts. I was in a good mood the other week, and I was partying with a few guys. One was hating his drug, and while I will not deny my addiction now, his was obviously out of control, just as mine had been out of control last year. This guy had A.D.D too. I asked him why he used if he hated coke (as I don't hate it, despite the fact I have in the past let it disrupt my life and let it control me rather than me controlling it...I am managing to control my weakness). He told me that it 'stops his pain'. I have to say...when I am in a good mood I use just to party, but other times it is to escape and kill my pain.
This man reminded me of my ex, not physically but mentally. I could see he was a wrong un and inclined to be abusive to women, but I felt an attraction. I saw it for what it was....a connection that nobody can lest they have walked in this persons shoes. This man's problems are too much, he is in so much debt he had guns pointed at him, to the extent his family were at risk....I know for me to get involved with a man like that would be the death of me. An attraction based on mutual A.D.D and cocaine addiction.....would be poison and we would only bring out the worst in each other, so I entertained no thoughts of getting to know him better. But am I destined to a life alone, as these are the only types I seem to connect with...fuck ups like me.
He showed his lack of respect for women, not directed at me as I was with his friend during that time but towards his 21 year old toy girl who still lived with her parents and was hanging with him for not only his coke but for the excitement of dating a crim....I gave her a word of warning. During my recent mid life crisis I found my ex, his lifestyle and his buddies exciting, and was trying to recapture my youth. But she did not heed my advice and I did not expect her to, daddy's little princess who has much to learn about life...
However, I do have a struggle on my hands with another addiction...that of alcohol. Alcohol is far more deadly than coke and causes far more deaths. Those who have read the news of late will see that it was alcohol, not drugs, that killed Amy Winehouse, whose death I mourned on this blog. I am struggling to limit my booze consumption to 14 units, and it is not easy. Ironically if I have decent coke I drink less not more, so prohibition is damaging my health but I won't let it kill me. I have not told my life story on this blog, but it has not been easy and I was not given an easy start in life. Hence my objection to being judged when I don't judge, especially by those who have never walked in my shoes and have no right to judge me by their standards. 2.4 kids, a well paid job, material security, a stable relationship, owning their own home. Those people have no right to lecture me that I should deny myself what enjoyment I have, and the doctors who threaten to deny me the medication that stops my anxiety attacks, due to post traumatic stress. Let them give what I have gone through a try...they would not last a week let alone 3 years.
I will elaborate on the alcohol issue, and also I will catch up on everyone's blogs, my laptop is just having trouble and in need of repair which partly causes a slow connection. But I have not forgotten.
During my time I have come across a few women working in brothels, all of whom were obviously, as one poster on this blog put it, as willing as I am to ‘have sex for dollar’.
And guess what? Most of them did not have any problem with substance abuse. I have never liked the brothel scene myself, but this mainly stems from the fact that I prefer working alone, I dislike the atmosphere and the fact I was not allowed to set my own prices, along with having to pay the management an extortionate amount of commission to use the premises, which is essentially no different from working for a pimp. Besides which, on a slow day you could be sitting around all day and few people would show up, so you could go home feeling you have wasted your time.
But I am diverting…..many the woman I found working there were not drug addicts but rather bored housewives, seeking a bit of pocket money behind the backs of their husbands, who thought they were doing some kind of a regular part time job. There were a few single mothers simply trying to make ends meet, but there were all kinds of reasons why the women I met were doing that job. There was one former civil servant who having fallen prey to chronic fatigue syndrome found she could no longer hold down a full time job, but simply did not wish to live in poverty struggling on benefits. She was divorced and her only son was a grown adult…. The only drug she ever took was cannabis, so the classic reasons women are thought to turn to prostitution….a drug habit, a pimp, single parenthood….only applied to a minority of women I met in brothels, and it probably would apply to a lot of the Independents you find advertising on the internet as well.
To clear up any misconceptions about myself, I have always got by one way or another. I have various problems, including an anxiety condition and Attention Deficiency Disorder that have made it very difficult for me to hold down a regular job, and these problems have also thwarted my attempts to complete a degree. So even had I not had a cocaine habit you would likely still find me earning a living in the sex industry in some form or other from time to time, for the pure and simple fact I can’t tolerate either a monotonous 9 to 5 job in a supermarket or the misery of scraping together attempting to live on State Benefits. I have heard the refrain too many times that ‘other people do it…..’, well, I am not other people. Too bad. I don’t ask anyone to approve of what I do, just to accept that it is my choice, my body, my life. I practise my work safely and put nobody at risk, if anyone is taking a risk I am by letting myself be alone with strangers.
What annoys me most of all is the attitude taken by some men, even some tricks. They have the nerve to look down on me, express disapproval by telling me I am ‘degrading myself’, then have the hypocrisy to pay to shag me. Other men have expressed the same attitude towards me, then later admit that they themselves have paid for sex and would do again. Please don’t misunderstand me and think I have never come across judgemental women, but the most vociferous condemnation has tended to come from men. That shows more of a nerve as they are less likely to understand. I have been called all kinds of names and given all kinds of unwanted lectures, often by strangers who have the anonymity of a computer screen to hide behind. I have received no such posts on this blog, but on other forums. Probably because a lot of readers may be non judgemental if they show an interest in reading this in the first place, and secondly because it is my space anyway, anything I don’t like can always be moderated.
But as it happens only a minority of what I earn is spent on drugs these days, besides which everyone has their way of relaxing so what I do spend my money on is really nobody’s business but mine anyway. I could have other expensive pastimes if I so chose.
Some women I came across in that industry simply liked the buzz of earning from it, and although they do not make up a majority in that profession there are some that exist who do what they do for the simple fact they enjoy it. Be they sexually deviant or not, it is not for me to judge them any more than it is for them to do so with me. If women want to work in brothels or any other areas of the sex industry for no other reason than they are bored housewives or wish to sexually experiment good luck to them and let them get on with it. It is not my place or anyone else’s to judge. I would not do it if financial necessity due to my various problems (addictive tendencies being only one) did not compel me, but that is just me. Everyone has their reasons for living how they do, at the end of the day we are what we are.
Just when I think I am coping better, getting somewhere something happens to set me back.
I dunno why but I've been feeling pretty shitty these last few days. Just off, on a downer. But the finding of some money I didn't know I had helped, and I wasn't going to spend it until I had earnt it. I was not going to be stupid.
I can't blame other people, but this jerk...knew what he was doing. I should have just refused. But the paranoid crackhead was convinced I had ripped him. Never mind the first time I advised him not to ask me for crack, I don't like to get it for people. He was ripped, and I put it right. I wish I had not done it, so I said I won't again. He asked me again, I said I would not do it. He then asked me for powder. My normal guy wasn't on so I said I could not guarantee what the quality would be like, whether or not it would wash well or at all. It didn't. I said I don't fucking know, I don't wash it, and I made fuck all. So the twat asks me again, promises me a bag as well if I pay in kind and go and do it with him. For no other reason than to play with my head, he drove off.
Someone normal or more stable would have just gone home and stayed there. Someone with addictive tendencies would have gone back for the money for the gear. I did the latter. Oh well. Gear was ok, and at least I got some writing done. Better than remaining in a haze of depression like the one I have been in the last few days.
This place is getting to me. A lot of things have been, I've been dealing with a few issues that are painful. But it'll pass.
It's been a while since I wrote but I have accessed one of the sites mentioned in my last post....no response as yet and the other has not resent me my log in details yet. I've met the odd guy on the way to the shop, but I need to sort my finances out soon as I want to avoid the street, and a few of my so called regs have turned out to be control freaks with an agenda. I am willing to accept payment for sex but not for abuse...so I have ditched these guys. One remains who I can handle, and sometimes I go and see a friend who gives me a break from this hell of a hostel and I go there and party. Had a break last week enjoying the weather.
I'm able to obtain decent coke again. I no longer touch crack, which I used to do when I couldn't get or afford proper stuff. But a few bad incidents put me off it for life, which is not a bad thing. I just hate assumptions...because where I live is becoming crack city, most of the women on the street are on it, the guys who find me there assume I am.. . I get annoyed by that assumption and say it is my second most loathed drug. It was my first, but that has been replaced by crystal meth. Some twat who used to live here persuaded me to try it when I had no money for anything else, and I was weak enough to succumb. The comedown was horrible, I was bursting into tears for small reasons and started missing Him again, a bad sign. I didn't know what was happening to me at the time, I felt I was going mad. But he has gone, and it has gone with him. Good riddance to another shitty man and an even shittier drug. I can sleep on coke, drift off and float away. It is impossible to sleep on that synthetic toxic shit. I am also sick of guys approaching me around there asking me to obtain them either crack or smack and offer to buy me a bag for getting it. I just say I don't use them and refuse. I still would like to reduce my drinking. It happens that when I have decent coke I drink less and slower, shit gear makes me drink faster.
I sometimes wonder if I am a recreational user again or an addict....I would say I am likely somewhere in between. I am aware I have addictive tendencies, but these days I use because I enjoy it, and I don't hate my drug of choice....An addict hates his or her drug of choice and uses it to kill pain. I have met guys who feel that way....my problem is more a case of not being able to stop at times when the party is over. And partying in the wrong company wrecks your buzz, if someone in the room is paranoid or dominating the conversation it infects the whole room. If they cannot enjoy themselves they ensure nobody else will. It's not enjoyable to use with real addicts who can't relax, recreational users or even semi addicts like myself are more fun. I could sometimes lose it with my ex cos he had a tendency to paranoia. I rarely get like that unless I am in the wrong company, and even then it is only mild.
Using every day or at least nearly every stops something being enjoyable, it becomes the norm. I normally keep it to two or three times a week, less if I have little money. I had a bit of a binge from about last Wednesday until today, and today was more to keep myself awake after being up most of last night. It comes to a point when your body needs a rest or you just get ill. Then you know another line will sort that depressed, fatigued feeling, and then a habit sneaks up on you, sometimes without you realising straight away as you don't get physical withdrawals as with opiates, although there is a physical side to it.
Meanwhile I am looking to get out of this place, find another income and bloody sue my ex landlords. I will talk about them in my next post. And I shall start doing music again when I get my guitars sorted out.
Thanks guys for your supportive comments, I will look on your blogs tomorrow. Although I could not log on for a while due to lack of credit, the vibes somehow reached me.
Anyway, it's late and I am getting tired, promised myself an early (ish) night. Although I do get angry and stressed at times, the old me is coming back, fighting and kicking. The fact I don't use to kill pain any more is a good sign, which shows that the 12 step abstinence thing is not for everyone. Anyone who has ever tried to tell me otherwise can read this post as evidence that an addict does not always remain one. I used less out of lack of finance and my circumstance, and although that forced reduction was painful I am over it, and even had I the money to use every day I would not choose to, I would keep it as it is. Using 4 grams a week on average and having the odd binge does not mean an inevitable downward spiral. When I had the need to use every day I went on the streets to earn the money to do so. If I no longer feel that desperation and am seen out there rarely, even though my other plans for income have not yet come off it shows I am in a better state of mind, and people say I have been looking better. I get my moments when I miss the good times I had with...Him....but remembering the bad is enough for me to think it is for the best, although feelings won't dissapear, especially when that co-dependent relationship has had such a traumatic impact on my life. It was an intense relationship, and I don't think he enjoyed living off me, but it was an unhealthy connection fuelled by the chemistry of a mutual addiction.
I am sick of this....I could not face going on the street tonight to try to get any money, but had a friend not helped me I would have had no choice. I am sick of street prostitution, it is degrading especially when I have no suitable place to take them, not being allowed guests in my room. I suppose I could do the internet if I pulled myself together and advertise for 'outcalls only' but I cannot even bring myself to go to the sites...they somehow sicken me. A friend of mine said she will have a room soon and will do a profile for me..I hope she does that cos I cannot be arsed, my motivation is zero, but I am sick of being in this state. I have never before lived in sheltered accomodation, I am officially certified as being mad....but as the idiot authorities in this district deem my problems as being drug induced and hence self inflicted I must battle most of it alone..that means no CPN, social worker etc as the support worker in my accomodation is expected to deal with all my needs, despite the fact she is only part time and has so many other people to deal with. But to be fair, out of all the professionals that have worked with me the last six months she has been the most pleasant and I actually like her, she actually does this job for the right reasons. This house is also the most benevolent. I don't feel like I am living in a minature version of Soviet Russia, which is an improvement. People say I should put the past behind me, but how can I when it's consequences are with me every day?
Tried to catch up yesterday but the stupid internet cafe would not let me even save, let alone publish the bloody post I had ready. But....I bought myself some Xmas treats. I go a nice new Hello Kitty pink and black brolly lest I get caught in the rain (again) and I have a nice new handbag to match plus a sexy Courtney Love t shirt.
I am as capable of being selfish and materialistic as anybody else and this week I have been. I didn't spend the money on coke but a friend got me some later and I was fortunate to meet a client over internet who gave me some in the hotel so I managed to treat myself, still get shitfaced and not get caught in the rain. My post the other day was a bit depressing so I am glad I did not share it. Hope you guys have a good weekend, I wish you enjoy whatever you seek, be it hedonism or sobriety!
Ps 'Summerboy' aint called and I am getting past the point of caring, let him stew. It be his loss as I know I am no saint but nobody can find anyone more loyal or patient than me. Balls in his court......and I won't wait forever for it. I am busy and have my life to sort out, have plans on publishing my writing and can't afford to spend all my time waiting on men or chasing them, unless there is money involved which I may need to set my business up for the new year....a legal biz nothing dodgy no physical contact just writing my erotica and maybe some live blogging or webcam. But I will fulfil my ambition to be a writer at last...my mind is set on that and my music will be back in practice too. The bankrupt car salesman who took all I had even lost me my interest in music. I will pick up that guitar and scream on, no motherfucker can stop me again x
I was listening to the radio last night and I heard Amy Winehouse's dad speaking about wishing to found a charity to make rehab or treatment more accessible to people who do not have the funds for expensive private treatment.
I have no doubt about the honest and sincere motives of Mr Winehouse after losing his daughter to her addictions. But grief can cloud anyone's judgement, and this has been noticable to me in the case of parents who have lost their children to their various addictions...such as those who lost their teenage sons or daughters to a bad ecstasy pill calling for a tightening up of the prohibition laws. Whether it was an allergy or the rubbish those tablets were mixed with was besides the point...the point that they missed was that prohibition makes research into possible side effects, deadly or not, of such drugs harder as it could not be known whether it was a rare allergy to MDMA or the unknown adulterants in the tablets that killed those youths, and as there was no way of knowing what the adulterants were, or at least which ones caused the fatalities it will never be known. Tightening up the drug laws is likely to cause more, not fewer deaths.
But back to the point....I, for one, am one such person who has been what is described as a 'problem user' of one illicit drug or another for a good chunk of my life, and I am no rock star with a lot of money to spend on private treatment, and never have been rich. In fact, I know many other users who are far from being rich who have been in and out of rehab time and time again, and, to use treatment jargon for lack of a better term, 'relapsed'. So it obviously was not a lack of access to treatment itself that was their problem, but was rather the success or rather, the lack of success, of the treatment concerned.
Amy's death was a tragedy, but even if lack of access to treatment was a problem for users with a lack of funds, it was not a problem for her. Access to rehab did not save her.
People become victims of their own addictions not because there is a lack of access to treatment....if anything the deaths of rock stars with money for all the treatment they may want or not want confirms that is not the case. If someone's problem is excess, battling with their own demons etc treatment, as I have pointed out before on this blog, has a lousy success rate. People have to want to help themselves before any 'programme', 'rehab', whatever, will help them, and if they are determined enough then half the battle has been won anyway, people overcome addiction with no treatment just as often as with...which makes it's use value questionable.
The State has either funded, via the NHS, individual patients to attend private clinics or simply sets up their own on the NHS using the same model. I have been offered rehab a few times and, like Amy did, have just said 'No, no, no'. And this has been without any money of either my parents or my own to do so but money the NHS offered to fund. The first time it was for heroin addiction, the second time it was for cocaine and alcohol. A good friend of mine who is homeless has been in a State owned rehab three times battling an addiction to alcohol and has failed each time.
I don't wish to be insensitive to the feelings of Amy's family, but it seems her father is barking up the wrong tree, as there seems to be little denial of rehab for those who want it, in my long experience as a drug user and that of everyone I know. He would maybe be better campaigning and funding a charity which advocates education about responsible drug use.
I shouldn't have done...but I looked on his. More tears flow as I noticed he still keeps the pics of the women he describes as shallow sluts, trophy wives etc and deleted mine, and his new pic is posing in a new suit for his new sales job I guess.
There is also a pic of Stonehenge...when will I see the sunrise? When will my tears ever end? I think I may be heading for a breakdown....all the drugs do now are numbing my pain. I want to be the person I was two years ago but she is getting further away, and thinking about her makes me cry more. But then I haven't been able to cry for ages so maybe I need it.....
The more I see the more I just want to bury my head in my pillow and cry myself to sleep......why, God, why? Did the fact I liked a bit of sniff mean you had to bring that man to me only to break my heart in pieces, for no benefit but maybe for him to enjoy the ego buzz?
I can take no more. I normally talk about my problems, I have bottled them up for months. The pain I feel now is the result. He has money, he don't need me, the man who once said 'no matter what we always have each other'. I know it is a bore but never have I hurt like this, never have I broke my heart over someone before like this and I am in my late 30s not a teenager. Please God take my pain away without the endless need for drugs to do the job.
Please don't let me drive myself to an early grave mourning for someone who does not care shit for me.
I don't know what has bee wrong with me today...I guess my tensions from all week have built up to a point of no return where I break down.
I felt ok at first when I woke up, I had a late night last night so was taking it easy. Maybe it was reading some more stuff about Amy that did it, from a biography that was written a few years back when it was hoped she would pull through and produce more albums....but to say it was just that would be untrue. It has been my brain chemistry, circumstances, all kinds of things.
I have not had a very good week, there are vultures out there who think I am ripe for the picking because of my vulnerabilities....I had a rotten experience with a guy I met earlier in the week that I don't want to write about just now.
There have been a lot of busts in this town lately which mean decent sniff is hard to find....but it is always possible to find crack cocaine. I was in tears this afternoon about eveything and anything, I don't know if it is just depression or a sign of addiction or what...but of course I knew what could make it better. One of my clients texted with bad news...his guy had been busted, I replied and said I did not feel good, he said to go round. I was hoping he would have some money, something, but he was thinking his company alone and a fatherly 'what shall we do with you?' would help. It did not.
So I had £20 spare and I spent it on crack, had it not been for a few fuck ups in the week, people taking the piss, I would have had more. But there was no sniff so I needed something, alcohol was not working. I have been missing my ex, and have been feeling troubled all round. If I could put my finger on one thing....it is probably feeling alone. Cold. Empty. When I smoked that stuff the pain went away, like a miracle. But now it is wearing off I can feel that pain returning....so I want to try and earn something so I can at least get high, and get a decent amount so as not to run round like a headless chicken. I don't really like crack, it is too short lived, sniff is more subtle and lasts longer, but when there is none I just take what there is, hell, it's still bloody cocaine.
I wanted to write an obituary for Amy Winehouse....but it's hard to do something like that without it sounding corny. I tried to post a video the other day but it didn't work, so I just edited and reposted the 'Rehab' video to my earlier post.
Of course it was a waste of talent as she had so much more to give....but something that always touched me about her was her honesty in her lyrics, the way her music, image, everything, was honest and came from the heart. Being one who wears her heart on her sleeve herself I like to see that in a musician. She never pretended to be anything she wasn't, it was no gimmick. She lived through the songs she wrote.
I have been neglecting my music for a while now, I've made attempts to pick it up again, but there is something, some malaise that has been eating at my soul for a while now...and it isn't too much drug use, it is deeper, a pain that I haven't as yet been able to translate musically.
Not that I claim to have anywhere near her talent, though, but music is something I only picked up a few years back. Like the others I mentioned of the 27s..Jimi, Janis, Jim, Kurt....fame and sucess came to them young and early. Maybe it was too much for them.
But Amy's talent was not wasted, she touched people with her music, with being just herself and has left her mark. She will be missed, and we were looking forward to more releases, but in history she will not be forgotten, what she has left behind will always be with us.
Came across another blog called 'Cocaine addiction kinda sucks', one I confess to having avoided for some time as it is too close to home.
But it does suck is the truth, nobody who has commented on my blog has found my life enviable in any way. I don't blame the drugs, the fact is I am a fuck up who chooses to cope with my alienation in that way. But something she said rang true....'cocaine and sex, true love and sex'...are the best things. I have never experienced the later, just the former. Easy to mistake it for love the night I felt I touched heaven, shagging when I was so high, with someone I thought I loved......will I ever get that feeling back again?
What I wish for and what I miss....I won't go on about. I just remember that one experience....when it felt I touched heaven, saw stars. The times I mourn....I can get high but nothing feels so amazing as good quality coke mixed with sex with someone you love...as for 'true love' I don't know what kind of love is true and what isn't.
It is a concept I have never understood....is it because it is abstract or because I have never had it? I don't want to upset myself dwelling on it.
I just looked back and saw how big the gap on this blog was...and that was the time him I and were the closest we came to being a normal couple...although we were not. He was living off me. Sometimes things would be fine, the first few months we reconciled after the break up in July there were no rows, no violence...but then he had what he wanted, he had his coke lovingly supplied by me, who obtained it by what he had previously called 'dirty money'. Never mind the fact I forgave the fact he had robbed my means of getting out of that trade....and still dared condemn me when things were ok for him. When he had nothing, nobody, nowhere to go....the motherfucker started to behave like a model boyfriend, giving me the love I wanted. The only thing he deprived me of was money and drugs as he had none...but hey, I supplied them, what was I there for?
I did all I could, I tried so hard....and still failed. My tears fall as I realise he never loved me....go forgive me for having been so stupid. That man has ruined and cost me more than any drug.
Two reasons I neglected this blog for six months....firstly, I was too tied up with other things.....i.e supporting my boyfriend, who did not like me even writing this blog. His greed made him get another prostitute to move in and pay him, not her, rent.
He got on the crack which did not agree with either of us, I got emotional and he became aggressive. I worked hard, and by January when I recovered a computer I was burnt out and depressed. But I cry when I remember the good times, the moments of fun we had, the love he chose to show me sometimes....
I have four or five letters which I have never sent him. I will condense them and do so. If he still doubts I loved him...the man is a fool. I fought tooth and nail to get him off a DV charge, I lost my flat, and when I mentioned the money I am owed...he knows the vile thing he said. I will not print it here. But may he know that I am crying now as I write this. May he know the love I felt then has not died...but I am resigned to being alone as I want nobody else.
Motherfucker. But that is the end of that sorry tale, I am alive just colder. The precious heart he loved is dead, as people kill what they love, but my cold heart reborn can weather and survive this storm. I will come out the other side.
Save for a couple of past tales, that chapter is closed. Goodbye my love, and may you find the peace of mind I know you crave. Even if I never see you again you still have a piece of my heart and you have taken something I cannot replace.
I do what I can to take my pain away...and where does my pain stem from? I wish I could say I was partying as I was not so long ago....but all yesterdays's parties are long over and I don't know if there will be any tomorrow....so I am not partying right now but killing my pain.
Loneliness. I lost the only two men I ever truly loved, despite things in between, in the space of 5 years. If hell have no mercy like a woman scorned...why is it I don't feel anger but just pain? Betrayal, loneliness, a cold bed.....then I get told I should give up my only enjoyment I have left....i.e stop taking drugs. No, they are all I have left now, while I am alone and unloved.
Nobody understands, they think I should be well rid of him and get on with my life. But at times I feel my life is gone....where is the girl who lived for her parties, music, what is she doing smoking crack cocaine alone in a halfway house, turning tricks to support her habit?
I prefer good sniff, but if I can get none....I have been reduced to this. And not because I have a disease, I cannot bear the emptiness and the pain....but every line, every blast on a crack pipe I hear that little voice whisper that everything is alright........even if it is the voice of the devil I don't care. I remember the second honeymoon with him, when there was hope. We had good times to party, but when we didn't he told me at least we had each other when I climbed in bed beside him, nobody would come between us, and he would never see me high and dry as I had saved him from begging on the street.
Where are you now, my love? Do you and did you always hate me this much? What did I ever do to you? Ok you don't actively hurt me, but you don't want to know or care what becomes of me. When I still cry over you. I wonder what you are doing now, if you ever miss me or think of me too....damn me.
You nearly killed me, you took me so for granted and I was your punchbag, you made me a shadow of myself...but had I not loved you I would never have let you hurt me so. There is more, so much more....if I ever let you down along with myself I am sorry. Did you really want me to die?
RIP my 'precious heart'. Nobody will ever hurt me like that again. You can't break a heart that is already broken. I will rely on myself and never be hurt like that again.
Goodbye to love. Hello to coldness, emptiness. Sounds like a song from somewhere.
People don't get that I don't even want another man, I don't have the capacity to feel that way again and I am just not interested. I want to be alone. His last insult was calling me a 'dried up, barren spinster', words that would sting any woman. I don't even make a good whore, so he said. Not that I want to...but if my value to him consisted of my ability to make money through...you know what...then I am better off alone.
I have something to tell....it has been a while since he has been gone. I have been feeling the loneliness of being single. Despite how badly he treated me, the arguments, the violence and all of it I have been missing someone to go home to at night, someone to simply cuddle up to and be there. Nothing can compensate for that.....but in my carnality I missed real sex, the kind that is not for money, I was tired of feeling dead from the waist down, cold.
Yet I did not want a relationship then, I was not ready to open myself in that way and am still not...so the only option seemed to be a one night stand not involving the exchange of money. So I met someone who was moderately attractive, amiable. What started with a cuddle went further. However, I found it slightly eerie the way that he was sexually dominant, into hair pulling, calling me names while he shagged me and all the rest.
Our mutual friend was daft enough to tell him what I did for a living...so the following day came the pimp talk. But it was too unsubtle, too quick...transparent. I am not stupid. He asked me if I wanted to score some crack, I said I prefer powder. Something redeeming about my ex, at least he had the goods. This man could not even score a bit of crack, let alone powder.
He was bragging about the size of his apartment, how he longed to 'protect me' etc...I said I did not want another pimp, a one night stand did not mean I was his property.
Had he been more subtle....but no. The fact I went with him so quickly was because I wanted nothing more serious than that, was I looking for a relationship, rather than scratching an itch, an ache, it would not have happened. And in hindsight it wasn't worth the bother.
Being told he 'wanted me to be his girlfriend' like I had no say.....I pointed out to him that I did have a choice in the matter, and had stated I did not want a relationship, that I am still crying over you know who. It took him ages to take no for an answer, and his boasting was laughable. Like his size in the criminal hierarachy is as big as his....as if. Ok, so he wasn't badly endowed, wasn't bad in that way, but I didn't want to marry him.
I wanted no boyfriend, pimp, nothing, just a bit of affection and release. It is accepted that single men feel the need for this without the complications of a relationship. But this guy couldn't see that, so he stalked me for nearly a week before getting the message. Oh well, he got it eventually. I just wonder what my fate will be, if I ever can love or be loved again.
I made some notes from a few weeks back to post here on the subject of 'treatment' for addiction.
I may have alienated a few addicts due to my strong views, but as I see it I am as entitled to mine as they are to theirs. Despite her song, the late Amy Winehouse did in fact go to rehab, and it had no success. I know of people who have been in and out of such places, time and time again, with no result.
I have long been of the mentality that addiction to any substance is something someone lets go of when they want to, when they have a motivation.....in others words, something to live for other than drink or drugs. If somebody's existence feels pointless and miserable, why ask them to give up the only enjoyment they have? To attempt to force them to do so is an experiment doomed to fail. I have given up my addictions and been able to use or drink recreationally when I feel alright, happy in myself. I have done this with no 'treatment'. One narrow minded 'support worker' said to me sarcastically 'Well, I admire you Snow Queen, as you are an exception, you are the first person I have met who has managed to do this......'. The implication was that I was lying, as the sarcasm was not lost on me, nor was the patronising tone. Maybe it is because the person in question works in the treatment industry herself, and is an ex addict/12 stepper, which means by definition she is unlikely to come accross people who have overcome addictions with no 'treatment'. But her narrow world is not the only world, and it would probably do her good stepping out of it. I have met people who have managed to quit addiction without 'treatment' involving meetings, destructive group therapy, addiction counselling, and all the rest it entails, be it residential or out patient based.
Most treatment is based on the disease model of addiction....that addiction is some kind of a disease, perhaps hereditary or genetic. This view largely derives from Bill Wilson's 12 step program which is the basis of AA and all of it's offshoots such as NA (Narcotics Anonymous), CA (Cocaine Anonymous), among many others that stick to the same script. Most 'treatment', if not directly based on the 12 steps, tends to be largely influenced by that school of thought, and the disease model tends to be taken for granted.
There is no medical evidence to support the view that addiction is a 'disease'. If one really wants to stretch the point they could perhaps classify it as a social or psychological disease, but no way can it be described as a disease such as Cancer, Aids, Parkinsons, or whatever else.
The only thing we have to go on is that it is a compulsive behavioural problem, a psychological problem no doubt, but this is a far cry from insisting it is a genetically based 'disease' akin to cystic fibrosis.
And, as far as mental illnesses go, the medical profession is diplomatic enough not to label biplolar disorder or schizophrenia as 'diseases'. Psychotherapy or other therapy given to the mentally ill is therefore described as 'therapy' rather than 'treatment', as it has not scientifically proven to be of benefit to every patient, as we are individuals. Human beings are too complex to be boxed into neat little compartments, especially when it is the human mind we are talking about. 'Treatment' is a term you would expect to be used for something that has tangible, predicted results that can more or less be relied upon. This is why even chemotherapy for cancer is not known as 'chemotreatment'.
Therefore I would like to know how so called 'treatment' for addiction gets away with calling itself such, as it is one of the least reliable therapies for any mental problem, and has a noticeably low success rate. It has no proven, tangible, results, and while you may be able to force chemotherapy on an unwilling cancer sufferer and get some results (for arguments sake, leaving aside the ethics of such a matter), 'treatment' forced upon a drug addict or alcoholic is more or less guaranteed to fail. Why? BECAUSE IT IS NOT MEDICINE!
Freud, whatever one may think of him, at least called his method 'psychotherapy' or analysis, not 'psychotreatment'. Although his views may be of value and may have been of help to some, just as 'treatment' may have been of help to some addicts, the theories of Freud cannot be proven in any laboratory, it cannot be proven that the human brain is receptive to therapy, and however interesting some may find the Oedipus complex etc it cannot be scientifically proved to exist by any experiment. So it remains a theory, not a fact. I say this as someone who finds pyschotherapy to be of interest and even has been of benefit to me in the past working through issues from my childhood.
Hence I am angered that what in my view amounts to re-education, or indoctrination of people like myself dares to call itself treatment.
For those it does help, the only thing it does have the right to call itself is therapy, as everything else dealing with the human mind does. But, due to the disease model most 'treatment' bases itself on, it becomes less surprising that it has the arrogance to label itself as treatment, as something that is not a disease will hardly need treatment, will it?
I am one drug user who will hold my head up high and say I do not want 'treatment' - I want drugs. The drug laws mean nothing to me as I do not respect them, they are laws that amount to nothing else but an invasion of my privacy.
I have seen person after person come out of 'treatment' and either fail miserably (the 12 step premise that after one drink one is doomed to go down an everlasting spiral to jails, institutions, death.... can often be self fufilling, if people are told this for long enough), or they become people I no longer recognise, picking up jargon they would never have used before, like s/he is in 'recovery'.. 'I relapsed yesterday'...and so on. As most treatment has the 12 step approach, which is religion rather than medicine, the fellowships and the religious views they hold often take the place of the drug, and become a new addiction.
I have been told I do not want treatment because I am not ready. No, I am not ready, and you know what? I never will be, as I never want that rubbish rammed down my throat. While some people may benefit in some way from it, not everyone does, many people slow down naturally themselves, because as the body ages it can take less abuse. Or perhaps some people may need help in some form, but it does not instantly follow that they need the disease model, the 12 steps, or any of that rammed down their throats. The most succesful 'treatment' for obsessive behavioural problems such as phobias, compulsive behavious such as addiction, and destructive thought patterns such as depression (which some of these other symptoms may stem from) is a method known as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), which is in fact something a person can learn themselves, and it simply involves learning to isolate destructive or negative thought patterns that can lead to destructive behaviour, and attempting to replace them with a healthier way of thinking than depressive thoughts.
I am not a cheerleader for CBT, as like anything it will not work for everyone and is no miracle cure as some of it's fanatical adherents like to insist. However, it does appear to have a noticeably higher success rate than the 12 step disease model. Another thing in it's favour is that it is secular, while the 12 steps are openly religious. Religion is not medicine or even therapy, therefore it should not be posing as such. At least CBT does not pretend to be something it is not.
My current feelings are that I don't want to suffer old age, with the agony and loneliness, facing the prospect of dying in a white room wired up with tubes, I would like to go quickly with as little much pain as possible, as most of us would. I have no children and the way my prospects are looking (bear in mind I have been cursed with fertility problems along with my other crosses I bear) I am unlikely to have any. I have long accepted the fact I can never be totally what this society classifies as 'normal', and I am willing to live with that. Therefore the last thing I want is for the State to force feed me what I know to be snake oil in the hope of making me the model citizen I can never be nor am willing to be. While my life on this planet continues, I am determined to enjoy it and overcome my setbacks in my own way, not a way that is forced on me from without.
The CJS are the worst offenders for stealing people's right to privacy, their right to be who they are, by offering desperate people 'treatment' as an alternative to prison. I know of one man who was put in jail for breaching part of a community sentence, and this community sentence was ....attending 12 step meetings! If so called 'treatment' is to have any success the patient must at least be willing, choosing it of their own free will. Else what remote hope does it have of working?
Would forced psychotherapy be likely to work? Anyone with even half a brain cell to rub together will reply in the negative. So why the hell do the State imagine forced drug 'treatment' to work on convicted 'criminals'? (I use the term criminals in inverted commas as the chances are the people I speak of would not be criminals if the society we lived in did not make them into criminals due to the law of prohibition). An alcoholic is not by definition a criminal, yet even a recreational user of cocaine is such in the eyes of the law. A wine merchant is acting within the law, yet a small time heroin dealer, putting out small amounts at a time to feed his habit, is deemed by the same laws to be equivalent to a child molester or murderer.
Drug 'pushers' do not hang around outside schools offering them powder, that is a tabloid invention designed to whip up hysteria among the general population and thus gain increased support for the prohibition laws. In fact, it is not very easy to get in touch with a 'pusher' directly if you are new in town. The way one usually is introduced to a dealer is through their friends, peer group, whatever. Every drug dealer I have ever encountered had said he would not sell his product to someone who has not tasted it before.
But getting back to the point, as I was sidetracking....the 12 step model is not medicine but religion.Yet it still is funded by the State in some way or other, posing as treatment for a 'disease' that is not proved to even exist. The elite, by and large, have little idea of the way that their prohibition laws affect the life of the addict on the street, and their own prejudices make them care little about his or her plight. This makes them too readily lap up the unrealistic and often downright untrue claims that 'treatment' makes for itself. If any member of the establishment questions it's advocates about it's noticable lack of success in dealing with this social problem, they simply reply that people are not following the program correctly, hence the enormous rate of relapsing....but what does following the program entail?
Mind control. 12 step programs expect would be devotees to attend '90 meetings in 90 days'. During which time a 'higher power', or 'God' is rammed down their throats incessantly while they are forced to listen to other people's sob stories, and then how much better they feel since being in so called 'recovery'. There is no room for atheists here as the first three steps explicitly state that one is powerless over their addiction, that their only hope of returning to 'sanity' is trusting in a 'higher power', and that they must learn to trust in God as they understand 'Him'. Note the 'Him'. When I was trying to come off heroin over a decade ago, which I eventually did with nothing but my own willpower, a reducing methadone script and some diazepam to calm my anxiety....this was after 3 years wasted of my life with doctors who should have known better trying to insist I tried the 12 step model. Doctors should not be prescribing religion. I attended my Catholic Church and was quite content there, religion was of help to me at the time as well but my faith did not sit comfortably with the 12 step program, which asks God to perform miracles. As I believed the Bible, which states 'Do not put God to the test', I was not prepared to do that.
Most addiction counsellors are ill qualified, often have the 12 step approach and very often their only qualification is being a former addict. It can help having someone to talk to who understands, but if this is a 'disease' we are talking about, that according to the 12 step zealots is 'fatal', then what good is this? If someone is suffering from cancer, a former sufferer may be able to give them comfort, and might even have some anecdotes on how they managed to beat the disease, but no doctor would class that as 'treatment' or medicine. According to 12 step theory, addiction is a disease that can be 'arrested but never cured', a bit like HIV, so to speak. Yet HIV is a virus that is proven to exist, and the ways of arresting the disease are in the form of medication, not snake oil and psychobabble. Therefore it seems addiction is a very odd 'disease'.....probably because it isn't one.
I don't have the time on this blog to go into the origins, beliefs etc of the 12 step movement, and how it's assumptions have infiltrated the establishment, how the treatment industry thrives off prohibition, but go and google 'The Orange Papers'. That will be a good place to start. But to start with, the AA 12 step cult was founded in the 1930s by an alcoholic named Bill Wilson, who was a devout US protestant and associated with a cult run by a Frank Buchanan, known as the 'Oxford Groups' as they gained recruits largely from Oxford University (not to be confused with the Oxford Movement, otherwise known as Anglo Catholicism). Alcoholics Anonymous grew in the time of the depression, not long after prohibition on the sale of liquor....
Contrary to its claims the 12 step approach is not the only way to get better. Personally speaking, my drug use or drinking has reduced itself when my life circumstances have improved, and as I have stated it has been managed with no 'treatment' of that kind.
I am talking about this now due to my recent experiences, of which I said something, but the experience of being threatened with homelessness unless I accepted some modified version of the 12 step approach (which is what most 'treatment' amounts to) was no joke. I was close to a breakdown, thank God I am not there, but I truly was thinking the hell I had with my ex was preferable to what was on offer from the steppers....