I am alive….just. I am in foul humour as I’ve been rattling the last two days, and my other problems make respite look hard to get……fucking need to earn. I said I wouldn’t be having to do this anymore….seems there is no rest for the wicked. God aint sparing me this time…..
I will catch up when I am sorted out and in better humour. This blog was never intended to be abandoned, but I have had a lot on my mind. My problems have not become better, as I hoped, but everything I have described here has gotten worse.
I have broke too many eggshells and am covered in yolk, you can’t walk on them indefinitely without breaking a few……I need to break out of this before it breaks me. I need to recover my humour, my chin up attitude, it is the only way I can survive……I had it last week now it has gone with….the other things I lost, some of which were mine, some of which maybe never were. I want to know soon what can be recovered as this has not been fair on me, I never asked for it to get like this……I bear my responsibility for playing my part in someone’s little games to an extent, but it gets to a point where I no longer wish to play…and get told it aint me who makes the rules, I am not in control……But nobody can ultimately control me. You never can control another human being, people have their own minds…nobody benefits from stupid head games in the long term……I want to base my dealings with others on honesty, not manipulation and power games.
I am penniless struggling to survive, no home but a trashed apartment. I need some respite.
I wanted to believe in someone against all odds. Clutching at straws I may be, but I’ve long been treading water.
Keep me in your thoughts…..I know some are on my side. Frustrating I may be, and I am far from perfect…..but I am still human. I have not lost that, deep down I still know who I am. Nobody can ever take my sense of identity….and they never will.
4 years ago