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Thursday, 29 July 2010

Playing with Fire...

Hello, to let all my readers know I am still alive...I am still writing sporadically due to a lack of pc...

And readers, if he is looking at this...first and foremost...I loved him. I am damned whatever I say...first thing he would react with would be why the past tense...because you said he hates my guts and want to kill me, all I am expected to say is oh I still love you, please stay don't leave me etc....I am not well but this is too much..What began as a blog on simply a degenerate lifestyle has turned into a sorry tale about domestic violence. I am sorry hon....I never harm you. Despite your paranoia nobody knows about this blog......I aint out to stitch you up....stop all this then...if you hate me as you claim you should have let me grieve why keep coming back to twist the knife in. I have a masochistic streak always have...clear the man is a sadist. It becomes a damn nasty caricature....he thinks some of it funny claims I've liked, wanted it all the time and it 'gets me wet'. No it don't. It is just talk, it's porn for him.....he said last night on the phone the thought of torturing me emotionally til I die (after I begged him to get it over with for not the first time after an explosion, the man has taken all else off me)...makes his prick hard. I told him sarcastically oh yes I'm turned on right now bring your gun and do it. But no, that'd be giving me what I want. A true sadist denies his victim pleasure....he gets more excited withholding sex if it means giving me pain. I've asked why does making me cry make him hard...he has denied it but I know it is true, the themes are there. Sexually I am a bit dark...but I didn't want it for real. He thinks I did....I never knew men were so dumb. Not all men though, just some. If I had the inclination I'd blame porn...but no, not all men who view porn are like this...and hey where is the porn in starving someone of sex...unless the thought of taking money off someone then leaving them to shag other men for it then calling them a dirty slut, whore, bitch whatever....each to his own. People ask how I could even desire a man who does all this to me....I am shocked and ashamed myself. Forgive me...when I think of him it is not this monster of a madman I see who is torturing me but the man I fell in love with who was nice, gentle kind....even if emotionally distant for his own reasons. I see Dr Jekyll, not Mr Hyde.

That man....this blog has focused so much on those men and the grief they have brought me...the man who once claimed to love me but now in his own words hates my guts and wants me dead. He aint a well man and I do not want to slate him....he never set out with the intention of hurting me...it has been partly self inflicted cos we all know not to go back to men who are violent.....he wasn't always though....I can't fathom it out by analysing forever as I cannot read the mind of a madman.

Why have I been unable to let him go.....why not let my common sense lead me...cos I got sick of the lonely degrading fucking life which, to be frank, I did not want to do on my own...I so badly wanted someone to go home to for some real affection I craved...he knew that. Liked to make me grateful for a hug, plead with him for a mercy fuck...what have I done???

Perhaps because things were good in the beginning when he wanted me, he couldn't keep away from me and was more eager to get in bed with me than vice versa. I am the opposite, as maybe women are...it took me a little time to relax and bond a bit with him....was any of it real? I was shocked when he showed his kinky side by calling me a filthy slut while he fucked me, it was out of character for the gentleman....he said not to worry it was just a fetish, dirty talking, he didn't mean it. He did....I think, because he says it for real now, with anger. I have never hurt him...but he sees any expression of pain, of how I feel, of complaint as an attack upon him. It seems unless I let him do all he likes....I don't love him, in which case I am a bad person. But I get no guarantee he will love me back...so what is the point? If this is a game it is not funny....but I am ashamed cos I wanted him....if it was all about him being a good shag...I was not aware I tolarated abuse for sex, even if it is good......I must be as sick as he is, or maybe he is right we've drove each other...insane.

Once upon a time....he begged me not to leave him when I expressed no wishes to...he is one mean motherfucker when the boot is on the other foot....when I expressed the fact I loved him....that was license for him to chew me up and spit me out......

Must get on now. By the way....I aint had enough drugs. I need something to wake me up or could do with it...in which case I had better earn. The madness of it...what bloody crap. And I won't blame the drugs...no, it is my stupidity because of the men I choose to go with or attract. I had to air this, I might update and then delete tomorrow when I glance back..

Til then xxx

6 comments:

  1. A woman who works with me, came to work today with a swollen eye and bruises up and down her arms. Her boyfriend hit her, pulled her purse off her arm and then grabbed her other arm and when she got away and went to a friends, he showed up there and broke every window from her car. A neighbor called the cops and he's in jail now. She found out he was wanted in a neighboring state for beating up his former girlfriend. She has 3 kids. She says she still loves him.

    This death wish by boyfriend is stupid. With her kids there, it's insane to be with someone like that.

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  2. Fortunately I have no children....so I only have myself to worry about. Insane rather than stupid I would say xx

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  3. I guess my own man could go to jail for all he has done to me...been streetwalking before with dried blood on my face, bruises, the guys don't care much or choose not to notice or comment...it is embarrasing. He tried to get me to say once that I scratched my own face to draw blood.

    He denies he is violent, seriously believes because he only slapped me twice...pushing someone to the ground, biting them, having your hands around their neck tightly, pulling them by the hair around the room...does not in his view amount to violence, only slaps or punches do. Warped logic but there you go. And of course the times he did slap my were my fault, as you might guess he would say.

    What is hardest for me to deal with is the fact that he lays guilt on me by claiming I am responsible for all that has gone wrong in his life since he has known me, when the truth was he had the same problems he has now, nothing has changed there. Things have changed for me however, my losses have been great. If anything he was feeling better when he was first seeing me...but he became disillusioned when I failed to live up to his standards of perfection. He also found my work hard to handle, work which was partly his suggestion anyway and which on balance he has probably benefitted from more than me...but I can't reason with a madman and make him see what is obvious to all else.

    He thinks that nobody will ever believe me because I am mentally ill...but not all my friends are junkies as he believes, there are people who are normal, straight who do and will believe me....about his violence and death threats. I am not as isolated as he believes, and I will never believe his lie that I am the insufferable, devious, worthless etc person he says I am, that everyone hates me, everyone knows I mad etc....I suffered all this last year at the hands of another man which led me to read on DV since...I know what is happening, and I think he knows I know....but then any complaints about male violence make me an extremist feminist, man hating etc...a dislike of violent men does not mean a dislike of all men, but of course men like that won't see it...

    People are products of their environment and the fact he hangs with violent men all the time who reinforce this mentality does not help...he receives from them the message that all this is laudable, it makes him more of a man, an object of envy that he has an attractive woman under his control.....but his control is slipping, he knows that which is why he gets worse....that's how the cycle is.....

    The sad thing is that I do still love him, and know that there is another side to him than being a violent man with sociopathic tendencies with more than a streak of misogyny....he is like two different people, and he can switch so easily. That is why he terrifies me.....it has been rotten at times to live in fear. A woman on the street caught me at a weak spot and decided to bully and then rob me....she did this because she took a dislike to him...and hence to his 'bitch' being near her patch.
    The amount of chaos that man brings and leaves behind him....wrecking my life, my property then leaving me to clear myself. He doesn't do anything for me anymore....when he once seemed to care for me as much as I did for him...

    I hate to say that part of this is fear of being alone...and in many ways I've gotten in way too deep. If I'd found the strength to get out sooner...it would have been easier, although still hard being still in love with him and all. What a bloody life.

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  4. hi, long time no see.. wish everything all right to you ~

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  5. Hey there, long time between posts for both of us honey...hope all is doing well in your life. Look forward to a shiny new post from you when you are ready to tap those delightful fingers against a keyboard

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  6. What happened to you? Hope you're alright...

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