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Thursday, 29 July 2010

Playing with Fire...

Hello, to let all my readers know I am still alive...I am still writing sporadically due to a lack of pc...

And readers, if he is looking at this...first and foremost...I loved him. I am damned whatever I say...first thing he would react with would be why the past tense...because you said he hates my guts and want to kill me, all I am expected to say is oh I still love you, please stay don't leave me etc....I am not well but this is too much..What began as a blog on simply a degenerate lifestyle has turned into a sorry tale about domestic violence. I am sorry hon....I never harm you. Despite your paranoia nobody knows about this blog......I aint out to stitch you up....stop all this then...if you hate me as you claim you should have let me grieve why keep coming back to twist the knife in. I have a masochistic streak always have...clear the man is a sadist. It becomes a damn nasty caricature....he thinks some of it funny claims I've liked, wanted it all the time and it 'gets me wet'. No it don't. It is just talk, it's porn for him.....he said last night on the phone the thought of torturing me emotionally til I die (after I begged him to get it over with for not the first time after an explosion, the man has taken all else off me)...makes his prick hard. I told him sarcastically oh yes I'm turned on right now bring your gun and do it. But no, that'd be giving me what I want. A true sadist denies his victim pleasure....he gets more excited withholding sex if it means giving me pain. I've asked why does making me cry make him hard...he has denied it but I know it is true, the themes are there. Sexually I am a bit dark...but I didn't want it for real. He thinks I did....I never knew men were so dumb. Not all men though, just some. If I had the inclination I'd blame porn...but no, not all men who view porn are like this...and hey where is the porn in starving someone of sex...unless the thought of taking money off someone then leaving them to shag other men for it then calling them a dirty slut, whore, bitch whatever....each to his own. People ask how I could even desire a man who does all this to me....I am shocked and ashamed myself. Forgive me...when I think of him it is not this monster of a madman I see who is torturing me but the man I fell in love with who was nice, gentle kind....even if emotionally distant for his own reasons. I see Dr Jekyll, not Mr Hyde.

That man....this blog has focused so much on those men and the grief they have brought me...the man who once claimed to love me but now in his own words hates my guts and wants me dead. He aint a well man and I do not want to slate him....he never set out with the intention of hurting me...it has been partly self inflicted cos we all know not to go back to men who are violent.....he wasn't always though....I can't fathom it out by analysing forever as I cannot read the mind of a madman.

Why have I been unable to let him go.....why not let my common sense lead me...cos I got sick of the lonely degrading fucking life which, to be frank, I did not want to do on my own...I so badly wanted someone to go home to for some real affection I craved...he knew that. Liked to make me grateful for a hug, plead with him for a mercy fuck...what have I done???

Perhaps because things were good in the beginning when he wanted me, he couldn't keep away from me and was more eager to get in bed with me than vice versa. I am the opposite, as maybe women are...it took me a little time to relax and bond a bit with him....was any of it real? I was shocked when he showed his kinky side by calling me a filthy slut while he fucked me, it was out of character for the gentleman....he said not to worry it was just a fetish, dirty talking, he didn't mean it. He did....I think, because he says it for real now, with anger. I have never hurt him...but he sees any expression of pain, of how I feel, of complaint as an attack upon him. It seems unless I let him do all he likes....I don't love him, in which case I am a bad person. But I get no guarantee he will love me back...so what is the point? If this is a game it is not funny....but I am ashamed cos I wanted him....if it was all about him being a good shag...I was not aware I tolarated abuse for sex, even if it is good......I must be as sick as he is, or maybe he is right we've drove each other...insane.

Once upon a time....he begged me not to leave him when I expressed no wishes to...he is one mean motherfucker when the boot is on the other foot....when I expressed the fact I loved him....that was license for him to chew me up and spit me out......

Must get on now. By the way....I aint had enough drugs. I need something to wake me up or could do with it...in which case I had better earn. The madness of it...what bloody crap. And I won't blame the drugs...no, it is my stupidity because of the men I choose to go with or attract. I had to air this, I might update and then delete tomorrow when I glance back..

Til then xxx

Tuesday, 6 July 2010

Still Alive...Just.

I am alive….just. I am in foul humour as I’ve been rattling the last two days, and my other problems make respite look hard to get……fucking need to earn. I said I wouldn’t be having to do this anymore….seems there is no rest for the wicked. God aint sparing me this time…..

I will catch up when I am sorted out and in better humour. This blog was never intended to be abandoned, but I have had a lot on my mind. My problems have not become better, as I hoped, but everything I have described here has gotten worse.

I have broke too many eggshells and am covered in yolk, you can’t walk on them indefinitely without breaking a few……I need to break out of this before it breaks me. I need to recover my humour, my chin up attitude, it is the only way I can survive……I had it last week now it has gone with….the other things I lost, some of which were mine, some of which maybe never were. I want to know soon what can be recovered as this has not been fair on me, I never asked for it to get like this……I bear my responsibility for playing my part in someone’s little games to an extent, but it gets to a point where I no longer wish to play…and get told it aint me who makes the rules, I am not in control……But nobody can ultimately control me. You never can control another human being, people have their own minds…nobody benefits from stupid head games in the long term……I want to base my dealings with others on honesty, not manipulation and power games.

I am penniless struggling to survive, no home but a trashed apartment. I need some respite.

I wanted to believe in someone against all odds. Clutching at straws I may be, but I’ve long been treading water.

Keep me in your thoughts…..I know some are on my side. Frustrating I may be, and I am far from perfect…..but I am still human. I have not lost that, deep down I still know who I am. Nobody can ever take my sense of identity….and they never will.