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Thursday, 27 May 2010

Little Sleazebags....

Hi guys,

I am surviving....but the place where I was based is gone, I can sleep there no longer due to mere discomfort and bad karma, it aint been 'my flat, 'my home' for ages now...and the jerk who owns the place is a sleazeball. I have yet another shameful confession....

Now, even had I a laptop still my time online would be limited. I have still been crashing at my friends place, among a few others here and there, while the one I will just call 'the man' has been couch surfing too.....but he is gonna help me with the sleazebag, he owes me that much...

Now, I may owe rent arrears, ok, and the place may be a tip...but I have caused no permananent damage. The door, which was the only thing, I intend to get someone to repair....whatever the case is there any justification for a 5.11" man physically intimidating a 5.5" woman who only weighs seven and a half stone? Who he knows to be vulnerable too....there is no fucking way. What he did the other day was illegal, letting himself in with his keys after giving me less than the required 24 hours notice, then physically intimidating me demanding to look in the rooms, shoving me out of the way to look in the bedroom of all places?

That jerk is not right in the head himself, did I wish to I could take legal action. As it is I just want out. But what makes it worse was that I was so lonely the beginning of last year....I let the piece of sleaze shag me....how could I have done, where was my taste...and the idiot squirted in my mouth when I asked him not to...and yuck he wore white y-fronts!

Now, I was there yesterday clearing the place, I had 'the man' over....I made him promise me deal with that twat as there is something about this we have kind of been in together, he can do that much. I fucked up bad yesterday, spent too much money part due to being sold some crap gear in the morning...and an unsympathetic healthcare profession in this district, who refused me anything to help me sleep over this period and raised the fact I was a smackhead back in....1996!!! Like, what have 14 years ago got to do with now? They all follow 12 step ideology round here, the disease model once an addict always an addict and no shrink can help me while I drink or use ANYTHING even socially because I have some mystical disease, they all follow it to one note or another...I will write more on this later, but to be judged by yet more people who have never walked in my shoes....it begs belief it truly does. According to my sympathetic doc all my friends are evil druggies and alkies just encouraging my vices, the 'real me' (i.e my sober self) is never seen....shove it. I am getting the hell out of this particular part of town, I have not been sleeping there anyway...no wonder there are so many down and outs, people who the system leaves to rot...my problems make me not eligible for housing assistance, anything unless I face 'treatment'...when I did not even say everything I had been using....I was questioned on how do I afford to do anything, I should have just said I fucked directly for it, there was no reason to question me, extract a confession about being a sex worker then being moralised to about it...the issue was that the place where all my belongings is makes me ill to sleep in, I can't go back there without getting depressed and fucking up in some way or other....usually getting smashed when I don't intend to or more smashed. I then worry about money etc.....but fuck so called 'help'...I have fast come to the conclusion I can only help myself.....but the man can help me at least ease out of that place...pray I get that loan sorted so I have enough for a new place, laptop and to repay a few debts then I can get back on my feet regain my own space....

Forgiving I am....I said I cannot be trusted re the man and I proved to myself yesterday that I can't. Why I am still in love with/besotted with someone who has been so mean....but I will catch up later..

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