For obvious reasons I like to be careful posting on here publicly from a cafe it is annoying at the moment....I have two weeks which to move anyway. Seems the spiral reached its lowest and may not sink any lower....I hope not. I have to replace my damn computer, and would be closer to it had I not fucked up last week....but hey aren’t I always fucking up? Not having it means I have little time to read anyone’s blog as much of the time online I have to pay for, I forget what it was like when I had to rely on public internet access before....
I feel more ashamed of the shambles my personal life has become rather than to any fuck up regarding drugs...I know my faults, I know I am my own bloody worst enemy. I wish I knew why....I must just stop complaining about things that are my own fault and deal with them.
Those that are not my fault I must deal with too....we all have problems that are partly due to things beyond our control. But anyone who thinks there is easy money in what I do is having one big laugh....easy it fucking aint. It is a slog that I tire of, especially with all the stress it has caused me. Had some jerk invade my personal space by calling at a stupid time last week when I was occupied and he texted...told him I have a life beyond those stupid men, or at least try to. Some of them are so dumb...Saturday night I flung out two creeps who a friend sent over. They seriously expected I just love to entertain strange men for the pure hell of it, no like to kiss them, be intimate with them...when I have never met them before, have no connection with them and for me it is work, if only those morons Saturday got that into their heads, were so surprised I was ‘cold’ and asked me what ‘my issues’ were....my issues indeed. I said what were their issues...to which I should have added issues they must have or else why not be able to get a shag on a weekend out, young guys like that, what were they doing coming to see me, giving me money if they had no issues in attracting women?
They did not succeed later that night as they texted me several hours after the event, early hours of the morning to tell me it was ‘rubbish’ – I saw it later that morning as I was otherwise occupied by then. Indeed rubbish they were....after being so tight with their money – I went down so far but can only go so low, but what do they expect when they only have enough money to pay for half hour between them (and note when alone there I do not even see two people – I had a guy sat in the lounge which was the only reason I agreed to even see them). To cap it off they started sniffing stuff in my room without offering me any of the mean amount left at the bottom off the bag....I booted the pair of them out. They went without protesting, else the madman in the other room would’ve been less nice about it than me...it did happen once before that a guy refused to leave and I had to call someone to boot him out for me. My friend said they called him afterwards and told him they were ‘concerned’ about me....I told him what their ‘concern’ consisted of and they could shove it where the sun would never shine...sort out their own issues without worrying about mine. Sure, I sit alone (or at least they believed I was alone) on a Saturday night waiting for strangers for the pure fun and joy, I am a rampant nympho who just can’t get enough....I can play to that delusion if someone puts enough cash in my hand but not if they want to be cheapskates, people get what they pay for.
The way things have been lately is a struggle, I need a place to live where I can sleep alone at night if I must. The stupid doctor in this district won’t prescribe me any tranquilisers or sleepers and I can’t find any elsewhere at present, my situation is a bit fucked at present.
Oh well. Life goes on, I have to laugh sometimes.....people say I can be entertaining. At least I am still myself, or have been more myself.
4 years ago