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Monday, 17 May 2010

I Survive...Regaining Freedom and Dignity

Hi guys,

This may be a new start.....I may have a new place to live by the end of the month, sharing a place with another woman in my profession....on the grounds the place is clean, tidy, to see clients....and I may get another room to sleep where I don't work.

To let you know....a male friend has been putting me up before I sort myself out...and he wants nothing from me. He will make sure nobody hurts a hair on my head...and wants none of my income. He knows I have been hurting that I have almost lost everything......help comes to me as I am a survivor, as he recognises.....he is another man who lives on the edge but it is against his principles to abuse women...he is no psychotic madman. He likes a bit of you know what, but aint so far gone screwed up can no longer enjoy it...The threats of my - what do I call the man who refuses to call himself a boyfriend but has been abusing me - no longer scare me. Threatening that there are violent crims out to kill me cos I am a 'liability' and I have him to thank for his protection by stopping them, I should edit this blog etc....he can stop thinking he can frighten me ever again. Did he ever love me, were his expressions of affection ever real? I know no longer......

I caught up with a friend on Saturday, my musician mate....we had a good time until it got to the point his possesive girlfriend was to return who allows him no female friends and controls his social life....he was in tears telling me that she has been physically violent but it is against his principles to retaliate as men hitting women is wrong....I told him some men do not discriminate re gender. We both cried. I am lucky to have good male friends who care for me, who will not see me hurt...and do not judge me for what I do. They are upset for me that the man I loved, who meant the world to me....has left me without a home, my most beloved possessions...and my close sanity, along with some of my self confidence and esteem, which I am now regaining. The heartache will fade....but if he reads this...

I hope to God you know I loved you.....you meant all to me I would've given you all my love, everything. Even now....I still love you despite everything, although I am at the point I realise I must put myself and my survival first...if it means grieving and moving on so be it. Thanks to my friends who are here....and thanks to my loyal readers who have supported me through this hell I have gone through.

He will know his death threats etc will no longer scare me......if he or any of his sick mates hurt a hair on my head....they won't get away with it. I will let you rule my life no longer darling. You tried to make me over.....at first you did not want me to be a whore because you decided I could do better, was better. You changed your mind when you needed the money....and even then I pleaded if it was to destroy our relationship I would not do it....money and drugs were not worth the loss of the man I loved. You sacrificied a woman who you know adored you.....for the sake of money and drugs. My tears have been endless......did you lie to me about how you felt? Once upon a time I was your girlfriend, nay, you even called me your missus once. You stopped calling me that a while back...and lied by saying you never were my boyfriend....I asked what were you as my male friends do not abuse me mentally emotionally physically.....or pass me on sexually to their mates or pimp me out....I cannot call you a friend and despite you calling me your 'bitch', 'slut' or whatever else....I never called you my 'pimp' but as you didn't like the term boyfriend unless it suited the mood you were in....I called you my man as it sounded neutral not insulting. If this is how it must be I will have no choice to remember you as my pimp.....the man who even if did not directly demand a percentage....found other ways to live off me. And you dared to call me a parasite....while I worked while you slept, I took clients back to my lounge while you slept off your binge...and you brought round your psycho mate while I worked...and I did not keep any of that money after paying to get high and giving you your cut...I went hungry for two days while you offered the bastard who abused me with you all night breakfast.

Sorry hon....but you have been wrong you know it...hence you cannot face me. Take your own advice and look in the mirror. You sneered at me saying you could maintain your habit while I could not...like hell. This is why you are homeless, have lived off a woman who helped you financially, did what she did to help you as much as herself......the man who once loved my 'precious heart'......the man who I was still longing for as recent as Friday......I loved you to bits you jerk.

You and your pyscho petty crim violent misogynist mates....have lost me my home. I can no longer sleep there as it has been violated along with my person. The last straw........I found out all along I had been lied to. For his 'agency'......I passed on the details of a woman I distrusted instantly. I have a score to settle with that bitch......she insisted she did not want him. He told me he was not seeing her....he had been for a long time behind my back....after the agency had finished, while the agency was on he would sweet talk her using my landline, running my bill up.....he came over mine last week raging like a madman, saying he wanted to kill someone.....throwing my stuff around....then asking me for a hug, saying why didn't I hug him without him asking....because he had terrified me was why. I had failed my test to prove my love....by admitting I had emotional needs of my own as if I loved him....I'd do ANYTHING. I would put him first always...but no all I could think of was myself...even then....

I had a client over.....this woman phoned twice. The first time he evaded the issue, told me 'shut up slut' while she was screeching at him down the phone asking why he had left her alone in the pub with his mad buddy....then she called back...I said sarcastically 'say hi from me'.....she heard and I heard her scream what was he doing at mine.......if nothing had been happening why did she want to know what he was doing at mine? He told her....this was what was too painful for me to write before.....that he was just round mine 'for money'. Does he call her his girlfriend now? She had been stashing his goods in her bra......and he'd been crashing at hers while I was alone breaking my heart in a place that had been destroyed sobbing my heart out over him....has the man lost his heart? Did he lie when he once said he loved me and called me his girlfriend? He has sometimes said he said so because he was 'high' ....was he not wrecked he aims higher than me...I am unworthy of him and am ungrateful that he even condescended to go out with me, he tried to 'help' me but I have failed him...and dragged him down. Don't forget...he had a proper business once....and a 'decent, respectable proper woman'. There are disadvantages to being a 'single man'...lacking a decent woman, being lumbered with an insufferable whore etc.

Sure. The 'insufferable whore' who has saved his neck from debt to crims countless times, the 'insufferable whore' who was his only source of income early this year. Yes, I have sunk but will pick myself up....he admits he has sunk and it is painful for him to look at me because it reminds him he has sunk.....if he could not handle my work I pleaded with him I would not do it......he said don't worry, 'we' need the money....he used his 'emotional cut off switch' to avoid falling in love with me because his financial problems consumed all his being....so I tried my best to help him have what he wanted....money. I have failed there too as I have not earnt enough....so his attempts to find other women who will succeed where I failed....if only he knew had he been nicer to me I'd have given him all.....I'd have earnt more, given him a home....cooked, cleaned for him played the traditional role he wanted.....but I 'can't even cook'...despite the fact he has only let me cook for him once....he didn't like the meal. And last time I was at his I failed to clear his bedroom despite the fact I'd done each other room....this was the weekend his sick mate threatened him with a weapon and I felt for him...the same mate who has since taken his grievances out on me...by smashing my door in stealing my possessions....I felt for him so I accepted abuse - in the form of death threats, threats of white slavery to him and his boys, and a nose that was nearly broken by his back handed slap.

I portray him as nothing he aint.....he is not an evil man but is losing his empathy and any shreds of compassion he had for women....he has had things go wrong so he decides to take it out on the only person he can...the woman who loved him, who was closest to him, who would rub his back whenever he asked her to....who woke him up for court by staying awake herself to stop him sleeping in and facing jail as a result....because he could not afford tax and insurance on his car. He could not afford his rent either....all went up his nose. And he calls this maintaining? If he truly believes he is at the top of his anthill he is delusional....but he aint above me. I see clearly....and that is what he cannot handle.....that he fools me no more, I know what has been going on.......and I have let it go on because of my deep feelings for the man. I put up with it because my profession....not many men would be able to handle it. At heart he could not. I watched the movie 'Indecent Proposal' last night and cried. I have been lonely, sex with strangers is cold...why I have been tolerating all this just to have a man in my life who I love, some sexual encounters that feel real, that I want...which he has played on by leaving me frustrated then making me beg in his dom sub games.....telling me 'gag on it slut' while he puts his cock in my mouth......he joked once that putting his penis in my mouth stops me talking....that awful weekend I was told from then on.....he would just slap me if I refused to shut up did I say something that upset or annoyed him...and he is easily annoyed, it is walking on eggshells.

His sick buddies intensify his view...one of his thugs told me the other day that 'Jason loved you, you were the jewel in his crown, you were everything...now you have driven him away by your rotten behaviour'. I cried, pleading with this jerk I had done nothing wrong to my man.....if anything I'd been wronged. I bumped into him by accident....that was the result. His little gang....I know now not to expect compassion from any of them, the jerks. I wrote to one of his cronies who I thought had more of a heart, explained things, as my man refused to listen to my 'emotional bullshit'.....I told his mate the man I loved had treated me like an animal, I was losing everything...please reason with him if possible. It got me into more trouble. The three of them were bullying me, yelling, and was told to 'shut the fuck up' when I dared cry. This was after.....my man/pimp whatever one may call him....left me alone with yet another of his thugs pimped me out to him without having discussed it with me......the same night the revelation occured about the woman he had been seeing and I was already broken. His mate groped me in his presence, he said nothing. I was in my room with a client....who picked up on vibes and returned the next day in concern for my welfare along with wanting to shag me.....After the client left my man's sick mate started to grope me again......my man had a call and said he was leaving but he would be back.....he would leave 'us two lovebirds' alone....I was furious as he was not my lover I didn't want him.....but he said 'look after my mate' I said what the hell it had not been discussed with me....he said 'do as you are told'....I said what the hell I do not take orders....he ignored me just said to his mate pay her won't you...this man continued to grope me I said give it a break I had just been shagged I am not a machine or sex slave I got dignity....my man said that's right give her a break she's already been at it....he said he was coming back, I said take the keys then he would not....then I knew he would not be back. I was left alone with another of his men. I started crying....I knew this guy who had been ok with me before but knew he had a dark side, was capable of violence......I didn't want to upset him.....I got him to call my man who would not be back...big surprise! I spoke to him said why was he doing this....the reply was 'fuck off slut'.

I made the most of the time with his buddy...ok I let him do sexual stuff with me, although he got it cheap. I got high and he was tolerable company not paranoid. But....I had caught him on a good night. He fancied me and his beef was with my man, not me....he is saner than the guy who smashed my door in. But he was selfish....the gear my man pretended was 90 per cent pure....I aint fucking dumb it is impossible to get such stuff here by the ounce.....idiot cant take me for that much of a fool.....was cut with something that burnt my nose and hurt. When the comedown began my heart was hurting as much as my nose... I expressed pain. The man's reply was 'can I suck his cock for five minutes?'. I said was he mad, I was hurting and long past it, it was the last thing on my mind....the man I loved had been seeing someone else behind my back as well as denying me affection, company, sex etc.....and my belongings taken, my door smashed by his psycho mate...I was lucky to be alive, that I was not there when he broke in......while my man left me to face it alone, fucked off alone......to hide from the man who could've injured me as well as invading what had once been my home. Suck anyone's cock while I was dying inside? He had kept me awake with my sore nose by jerking off against my body....he called a cab to go home...to his wife.

I spoke to my man the next day.....he asked was his mate still there...I said of course not, why would he be? He said there's no need to worry, he is a good man who would 'look after me' as he was taking a break. I said fuck that, I was not looking for another pimp.....after which the point came about him going away to sort his head out etc.

I know he has lied. I know he is still working.....but he told me he isn't. He knows I don't want his overpriced coke...I can get a better deal elsewhere. I don't want his mate to sell me on that gear and act as surrogate pimp (married as well) while he gets his 'space'. He lied about where he stayed...the night he asked me to 'get him money to prove I love him'.....then later....'get on the streets and pay me your debt you filthy whore'.....stayed with that other tart that night. He had a safe flat for the weekend but he'd been let down...hence him going to her. I was not offered to join him in the safe flat.......I was left to rot in the home I once had that had become a hell for me.....God.

My lack of interest in his mate.....when I bumped into him and his boys....I tried reason but I was told to shut up by all of them......while they shouted and mouthed off at me for having done..nothing but be human, fail to be a blow up doll who only speaks when spoken to. He could not look me in the eye.....but I told him it killed me.....about the women he'd been seeing...and being left alone with yet another of his boys. He said the man he left me alone with....he 'fully empathised'....because.....the man tried to stab him the other day. I went beserk, sobbed how could you leave me alone with another psycho, and to add insult to injury offer his services as pimp to me? He could not hear it....so he told me get the hell out call me in two days......after trying to smooth me over, giving me a kiss saying he'd tell his mates in the room not to bully me anymore....hell.

That is it. I spoke to him once since....he asked me something pathetic about a phone battery...when I complained about losing my home, my business being fucked or at least gone down, being abused by his mates...I was told again not to give him 'emotional bullshit'. He tried to make me use hair straighteners knowing it is not my style.....so I can look more like a Barbie doll. My refusal was more evidence of my failure....I was how I am just less of wreck when I met him....I never asked him to make me over or 'help me'.....make money or whatever I was fucking fine as I was inside and know who I am still......despite his claims 'I don't know who I am'.....no hon, you have not suceeded there. You have caught a woman who knows what domestic violence is and I am woken to it.....I was blind for a time but not now. I let it continue....cos my line of work (which I began for both of us)...had left me so lonely and longing......I was prepared to accept abuse as a price of his love.

I aint no more. I will survive the pain will go.......My friends are looking after me. Believe me, there are criminals with honour. It is against their principles to abuse women.....his death threats no longer hold weight with me. He gave me another death threat before his kiss on Saturday....if any trouble comes his way due to me I'd be....I said don't bother, tearfully I said I have friends who do value my life and if a hair on my head is hurt.......he knew when to stop. He knows I have friends now who won't see me hurt, he knows the friend who has put me up....and he is a man he won't upset, and this is not somone out to earn off me but a decent man who is friend to me.....I am no longer going to live in fear of him and his thugs they will rule my life no more. I rule my own life...

I will catch up more tomorrow....but I have got a judgemental friend out of my life who came with the opinion that my lifestyle means I 'ask for it' and commented on my finances, everything that was none of her business....when all I wanted was a shoulder to cry on over a broken heart....she can fuck off too.

I am who I am....and am proving I am a survivor. More tomorrow xxx

3 comments:

  1. You were searching for a word to describe your guy who wouldn't be called a boyfriend. I have it. Asshole. He was your asshole. We all have one at some point in our lives.

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  2. Charlene is correct about this guy. And regarding the judgmental person who said you 'ask for it': this is no friend, because a friend is someone who does not sit in judgment of you.

    You are indeed a survivor, and you have proven this time and again. I truly hope this new start works out for you - you deserve it! ♥

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  3. I am speechless, this has both gutted and enlightened me and bought a tear, well more than a tear to my eyes. I can't even begin to compare my ugly breakup with a woman who lied and continues to lie to me, so I won't.
    There is something you can use in whatever you do in your BRAND NEW FUTURE and that something is your strength and tenacity.
    I am so happy for you. Now live!! xx

    ReplyDelete