Just to let you know I am still alive.....after being through hell and back...
I will catch up in detail tomorrow, but I feel I have lost everything, my most personal belongings, my guitar and laptop, were stolen by my mans psychopathic buddy...after he smashed my door in looking for who had been his 'best mate' but was threatening to kill....thank God I was out or he may well have harmed me, this is a madman I speak of.
The result of this was not the support I needed - ok I know to have a psycho threaten your life must be hell.....but aint it been terrifying for me as well? Do I need it? Meanwhile the man I love let the beast within take over til he became an abusive monster I no longer recognised.....and he has brought men with him to join in humiliating me, his stupid pimp games, trying to make me degrade myself then telling me I have no self respect...when I have REFUSED to give freebies to his mates, to let clients cum in my mouth etc because 'we need the money'.
I hate to say it....but I do still love him. Despite the fact I have lost my home, my most prized possessions, been losing weight etc......if this is what love does I want it no more. I am heartbroken, he has hurt me far more than any man has ever done...it has nearly killed me.
He has gone away now and left me alone in the hell he left me in.....because he needs 'space' to 'sort his head out'. If he cannot refrain from abusing me verbally mentally emotionally physically sexually.....it is probably for the best he stays away. Perhaps it is his way of showing he does care.....protecting me by not putting me at risk by his presence. He knows he is mentally ill. He said he will try to stay sober for a bit. The thing is he has lied to me so much.....I no longer know what to believe.
I must shoot as I want to try to earn......my cash aint going to him no more. I said if he is gone for the time being he is gone.....I get my shit elsewhere if I want it. He said he aint flogging it no more anyway.....I don't know if I believe that or not. But he knows there will be no 'business transactions' whatever. Never has any man hurt me so much.
Meanwhile no man will ever again make me doubt who I am......Enjoying to get high does not mean I deserve this.....psychos in my life etc, violence. I know other guys do coke even flog a bit.....they avoid all the shit my man gets into. It must be his greed, lack of self restraint.......to the extent of even sacrificing a woman he loved, treating her as a sex/money object, an animal......I think deep down he knows what he has done and can't live with himself...nor can he deal with the pain in my eyes at what has happened. That is why he cannot face me at present.....his buddy kicking my door in doing that made him more, not less, abusive....because he knew I never invited that sicko into my life but he did. So he brings round....more twisted men. Leaves me hungry no money to eat for two days...while he buys a prick he brought round and abused me all night breakfast after the pair of them had every penny I earnt. Ok, I got high but walked the streets for what he gave to his pal free while they both got paranoid twisted and took it in turns making me cry. Why I didn't tell the pair of them to get the hell out....my strength had gone by then. This was the same day I had earlier bought my beloved new clothes, took him food cos I felt for the fact he is homeless, few clothes, cos I loved him.
I tolerated the shit later because.....
I'd been broken.....the handiwork of a pimp.
What I do for a living does not make me less worthy of respect than any other woman. Next time he needs a loan....he can ask the 'decent, proper woman' he once had (to use his own words about his ex). She'll likely tell him to fuck off.
I hope he gets better before it is too late, I truly do. He can face the fact he aint well....whether or not he can come to terms with the domestic violence issue and stop transferring the blame onto me for being an 'insufferable bitch' is a different matter. Time will tell....in the meantime it is best he stays away til he regains his sanity.
People look at me pass judgement and assume it is because I am a drug addict and I must have abstinence etc.......some jerk last night who I helped score (I am furious with that prick too....I will write of that tomorrow) offered me unwanted 'help with my addiction' - which I told him to shove where the sun don't shine. I told him my man had been beating me in more ways than one....he did not hear it. Two seconds later he said 'why has your boyfriend left you?' making the blind assumption it was he who left me.....not me who told him to go. And to be fair to me I have made it clear to him I have my limits.
I like to get high and I am not ashamed. Yes, I am a sexual being and this does not make me a 'filthy slut' or any other terms my boyfriend has used. I am not 'filthy' for enjoying or wanting sex with him....if he thinks so the problem is his and it is sad that he can treat a woman who wants him......like this. He must hate himself, feel himself so unloveable....how could any woman long for him? He asked me one night 'Why do you love me, I a low life scummy man' or something of the sort.......this probably shows his egotistical rants to the opposite are to be taken with a pinch of salt...as is much else he says. He has lied to me so much.......and how dare he tell me I am the one who hates myself, who does not know who I am, who has 'no self respect' and all the other stuff....then tells me to 'look in the mirror' each time I complain that his abusive behaviour hurts me. I.e look in the mirror see you are unnattractive, dirt etc no wonder I abuse you what man would want you. I am getting my life back. I will enjoy getting high again without being punished by a man who is two far gone with excess and psychosis to enjoy his poison anymore.....least I know now what level I don't want to be at. I shall enjoy my weekends....as I had a few pleasant evenings this weekend gone....in the company of others, not him, I was pleasantly high and mellow. And I shall not hate myself for accepting money for sex, I do what I do to get by. No man shall hurt me like this ever again.....and he will not because I shall not give him the power to ever again. He has lost a lot of the control he had because he pushed me too far....he got too cocky. He won't be again.
Hi to my new visitors......I shall read your blogs tomorrow when I return to this cafe. I need to replace my laptop....and earn I shall. It may have been interrupted but I won't let this fuck my business up. Don't think this don't hurt, it is agony....but surivive I will. I shall not let any man kill me....however much I love him.
4 years ago