FIRST...A BIG THANK YOU TO ALL YOUR COMMENTS TO MY LAST POST......YOUR READING AND SUPPORT HAVE BEEN SUCH A HELP THROUGH THIS HARD TIME, MORE THAN YOU KNOW...I PROMISE I WILL CATCH UP ON YOUR BLOGS WHEN MY INTERNET ACCESS IS MORE STABLE ETC....MY READERS, A BIG THANK YOU TO YOU ALL XXXX
Just to let you guys all know I am alive and well...it is annoying the hell out of me not having that laptop or internet any more.....but first think I need a place to live as I cannot kip on my mates floor forever...
I have a dirty confession....despite how it has all ended in tears me and 'the man' had a good sex life , despite all the other shit....I don't know if you ever read that the only redeeming quality of abusive relationships can be....that. A good shag. Which he even ended up depriving me of to the point of making me beg during one of his power control sessions...dom sub games that became real. But what I am ashamed of.....I still jerk off over him. It was sad when I used to do it alone when off my nut, and he was wherever either jerking off to porn or trying to pull some other woman.
I got to stay single for a while until I regain some sanity. How I wish.....I could promise....but I can't promise was he to come back now apologetic etc, if the man I fell in love with, not the monstrous madman was to return.....I would not go back. The man still has a hold over me. I never used to get off on videos of men pulling women's hair while she sucked them off, had her asked them to call her a crazy whore, was treated rough by one man in the scenario who was her boyfriend while the other was his mate....I do now. I jerk off over that...sometimes I want to become nothing, I want to allow myself to be used by two or three men as a total object, have them humiliate me while they fuck my brains out and treat me like dirt, call me every name, I want them to be rough, aggressive with me. I don't know how much this is my own tendency, how much of it is a genuine part of my sexuality or how much of it is his that I learnt to enjoy...he gets off on all that...along with him thinking he should be in control because.....he is male. I wonder what century he lives in. I hate it when I fleet between speaking of someone in the past and pres tenses....I am just ashamed that I still jerk off over a man who is not only seriously mentally disturbed but also abused me. When I missed him I jerked off over him all time....he actually thought my high sex drive was a sign I was disturbed, abnormal. He thought the fact I enjoyed sex with him made me a 'filthy slut' in itself...the fact I orgasmed with him made me more despicable. While he made out in the beginning the dom sub stuff was a game, when he lovingly said 'of course I don't really mean you are a filthy slut, sweetheart'....he meant it near the end. He meant it when he said 'go get my money you owe me you filthy smelly slut'. I must be insane jerking off over a man who treated me like scum.....but it's like this. Ok I have that tendency to enjoy dom sub games and like to be sub.....but it does not mean I enjoy real life abuse. I should maybe not be ashamed....I loved that man, however much my love was wasted on him. He aint capable of love, he is too screwed up. I aint over him, I can't be in another relationship til I am over him......so perhaps I should ease on myself.
Perhaps I shouldn't even blame it on the work I did....the fact I was a sex worker just gave him a powerful stick to beat me with. Had it not been that....he would've found something else. He is going through a bad patch...and is the type of man inclined to take it out on whoever the woman is who is in his life at present. He is not the only one. I have no choice but to stay single for a while, treat all men as potential predators until they prove otherwise...I must do it to avoid getting hurt. Predatory men pick up on signals....and 'my asshole' said about abused women 'a predator only comes in if you let him' and that abused women truly enjoy the drama of an abusive relationship, the laws of the jungle mean you either must be predator or prey...he knows which one he'd rather...and it is women's place to be submissive, to do what their men say....the fact I am a woman....meant I had no choice but to be prey in the mind of this sick man I have cried so much over. Any questioning meant I was a 'militant feminist' who 'hates men'. I do not hate men though...what I do hate is abuse. If he truly equates being male with being predatory, misogynist, abusive...he aint doing the male sex much of a service if all this I have been through is down to the fact he is a.......man. I always knew he had streaks of misogyny but how much he hates women I never knew.....he should keep away from us until he sorts it out......He knows he has other issues but it is always substance abuse, stress etc.......he fails to see that he has a problem with being abusive because he thinks he is entitled to as he is a man. It is an ideology. I did not know domestic violence was an ideology, I took those feminist claims with a pinch of salt. I now know them to be true as I have been there, I have had it for the past year and a half.
But happier things....I replaced my guitar. I have been practicing a bit with a mate while we have both gotten slightly smashed. I have been socialising more, the guy who has been putting me up introduced me to some of his mates, women as well as men and they are decent types.....the women not being the types ready to have cat fights over grams of coke and all that nonsense, nor are the men all predatory and violent as all somebody else's male friends.....There is no chance of any relationship occuring between the man I been staying with and myself.....despite the fact he does fancy me a bit I agreed with him we both have too many problems and it would only complicate things and I don't want another relationship right now....just nice to sleep on the same matress as a male and not have him demand I suck his cock nor does he put drugs in front me then demand I can have if I pay in kind....as Jason's mates would do while he would just....watch.
I've been partying, A rich guy who I'm friendly with I spent a few days with, he shared a lot of gear with me but really wanted to hang out and he did want a few favours but it was nothing I didn't want to do actually had a bit of a laugh just viewing some porn with him and testing my new vibrator while he jerked off I helped him along a bit....decent man just rich and lonely few true friends....he's a cokehead but a rich cokehead at least who aint bankrupt like myself or Jason etc....he throws big parties has a big house and all.....I don't like to think in a mercenary way but if I am to survive and enjoy the rest of my life..perhaps he has friends with a lot of money, perhaps I can earn more....and actually make a profit rather than purely just be supporting a habit. And one day I am gonna publish this blog. Whatever happens this is a new summer, this could well be a new beginning. Despite all I have lost.....I must see the positive in this. Never, never, will I let any man.....doubt who I am. Make me ashamed of being....me.
That so called posh 'friend' of mine has gone too....never again will I hear her moralising Knightsbridge acccent tell me what I should and should not do with my own body, the alcoholic who tells me I am 'unemployed' what I do is neither work nor a business and I cannot even afford £50 a week, the alcoholic who thinks the fact I accept money for sex and like a sniff means....I invite domestic violence into my life. I was so mad I was thinking she should thank herself that distance prevented me from.......but she aint worth assualting and risking jail for...the bitch who heard me in hysterics when I still thought she was a friend, she heard me cry while continuing to moralise I said 'Can't you see my heart has broken, the man I loved has nearly killed me, spare me won't you', til she eventually forced me to just hang up....she had the nerve to say to me when I said to her 'spare me' she told me 'life won't spare you though'. The stupid cow whose own life is so boring she is obsessed with politician sleaze scandals....and she had a very unhealthy interest in my Jason, stupid stuff she asked about him that was not for the purpose of grassing - despite his paranoia she had fuck all and there was no crime to report - like what was his daughters name what was his ex wife's name stupid inane stuff.....but something strange was that he said the fact I am a whore means I ask for it......she essentially said the same thing. She is out of my life now, I gave that little slapper many chances she blew them all may she rot in hell...or in her miserable little suburban life. God, I hate you bitch.
But I have been having more fun than her these past couple of weeks....and I never thought I'd hear myself say this.....I've been having more fun with not seeing him, out of that rotten little apartment which I ask people not to call 'my flat' because it has long ceased to be.......the police victim support guy rang me and I said please not to call back I want all that put behind me, the burglary all that took place there.......it is not my home...I am essentially not in a good place, homeless as I go from party to party...but in a weird way I feel better, some kind of weight has lifted....as I am no longer ruled by fear. A man is no longer ruling my life or controlling me.....and I am once more free to party. Earning is still a stress....and the theft of my laptop did not help in fact it lost me a lot of business, but things will pick up.
Ok, so I am crazy in my own way. I have issues. But the things people would judge me most for, the fact I am a cocaine addict and a sex worker are not the things that trouble me the most, to some extent I like living on the edge. I take drugs because I enjoy them, end of, I want to hear no psychobabble. I will catch up more on everything soon..I've already written more than I intended. But the drugs I do i've been enjoying as I have been in good companuy....not the company of madmen and psychos. I have been compliments on my looks by men, only one man insulted me by saying I am too thin.....I know that is my only problem. I couldn't eat due to depression, but I can eat again now.
The phone has been dead today not earnt and to a large extent the man who said he'd always 'help me make money' - the pimp who took and never gave back - has stopped me earning. Which is why I've been buying overpriced coke in light grams rather than bigger amounts which are more economical.....on a good week I do that, I aint had a good week for months.......I shoul've stopped getting my gear off my p**p a wee while ago, the quality decreased as the price remained the same.....it wouldn't surprise me if his greed took over so much that he gave it to me after bashing it himself....he admits having done that to another friend of his so why not me?...but it was his loss. I buy no gear off him now....if I can only manage to take three days off next week....unless my rich mate is having a party tonight and it is on him......it looks like I might have to take tonight off.....but three days is hard at the moment...though I managed it once when I believed things were getting better with that bloody Jason and felt happier....til he brought me down again when somethintg went wrong for him.....these issues are still here.
But at least I been out enjoying myself, mixing with people again...next week I might manage what was my local bar where I used to hang.....til it got to the pathetic stage I was always having to earn could never go out while I lay alone either crying or jerking off over that man while he would be out getting trashed or partying with other women while he was killing me inside, leaving me waiting alone at home for him.......he never took me out anywhere with him because he was, I guess, saying he was single........and I was like some sleazy little secret he had...his only loyal bloody customer who he'd lean on financially emotionally while denying to everyone she even existed.......the motherfucker.
4 years ago