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Monday, 31 May 2010

Next Phase...

Promised I will stop sex for money or phase it out when I get a new room and replace my laptop...that way I can just do video/phone sex chat...Still not ideal but it is an income, I have no immediate prospects and any other ideas I have are not overnight. At least then I can still have enough money to enjoy myself without the need to go overboard, and have a somewhat more stable life....I can't help the fact that the work is tiring me, getting to me when it has cost me so much....The fact is I get lonely. This has caused me to accept mistreatment I don't think I would normally accept.....it causes men to take the piss because they can. They can easily point to the fact that not many guys could hack what I do...it requires a person without many insecurities. I know few such men....I have often wondered whether women like myself get abuse because men blatantly take the piss or if insults, violence, financial exploitation etc are a way that some men immaturely deal with a difficult situation. It may sometimes be both...people sometimes do what they can if you let them or feel you have no choice but to for the sake of having them around if you deem it worthwhile. I have to a great degree let myself be used, become a money, sex object etc. For some doing as I do maybe worth the personal cost.....it aint worth it enough for me.

Jerks....

For obvious reasons I like to be careful posting on here publicly from a cafe it is annoying at the moment....I have two weeks which to move anyway. Seems the spiral reached its lowest and may not sink any lower....I hope not. I have to replace my damn computer, and would be closer to it had I not fucked up last week....but hey aren’t I always fucking up? Not having it means I have little time to read anyone’s blog as much of the time online I have to pay for, I forget what it was like when I had to rely on public internet access before....
I feel more ashamed of the shambles my personal life has become rather than to any fuck up regarding drugs...I know my faults, I know I am my own bloody worst enemy. I wish I knew why....I must just stop complaining about things that are my own fault and deal with them.
Those that are not my fault I must deal with too....we all have problems that are partly due to things beyond our control. But anyone who thinks there is easy money in what I do is having one big laugh....easy it fucking aint. It is a slog that I tire of, especially with all the stress it has caused me. Had some jerk invade my personal space by calling at a stupid time last week when I was occupied and he texted...told him I have a life beyond those stupid men, or at least try to. Some of them are so dumb...Saturday night I flung out two creeps who a friend sent over. They seriously expected I just love to entertain strange men for the pure hell of it, no like to kiss them, be intimate with them...when I have never met them before, have no connection with them and for me it is work, if only those morons Saturday got that into their heads, were so surprised I was ‘cold’ and asked me what ‘my issues’ were....my issues indeed. I said what were their issues...to which I should have added issues they must have or else why not be able to get a shag on a weekend out, young guys like that, what were they doing coming to see me, giving me money if they had no issues in attracting women?
They did not succeed later that night as they texted me several hours after the event, early hours of the morning to tell me it was ‘rubbish’ – I saw it later that morning as I was otherwise occupied by then. Indeed rubbish they were....after being so tight with their money – I went down so far but can only go so low, but what do they expect when they only have enough money to pay for half hour between them (and note when alone there I do not even see two people – I had a guy sat in the lounge which was the only reason I agreed to even see them). To cap it off they started sniffing stuff in my room without offering me any of the mean amount left at the bottom off the bag....I booted the pair of them out. They went without protesting, else the madman in the other room would’ve been less nice about it than me...it did happen once before that a guy refused to leave and I had to call someone to boot him out for me. My friend said they called him afterwards and told him they were ‘concerned’ about me....I told him what their ‘concern’ consisted of and they could shove it where the sun would never shine...sort out their own issues without worrying about mine. Sure, I sit alone (or at least they believed I was alone) on a Saturday night waiting for strangers for the pure fun and joy, I am a rampant nympho who just can’t get enough....I can play to that delusion if someone puts enough cash in my hand but not if they want to be cheapskates, people get what they pay for.
The way things have been lately is a struggle, I need a place to live where I can sleep alone at night if I must. The stupid doctor in this district won’t prescribe me any tranquilisers or sleepers and I can’t find any elsewhere at present, my situation is a bit fucked at present.
Oh well. Life goes on, I have to laugh sometimes.....people say I can be entertaining. At least I am still myself, or have been more myself.

Thursday, 27 May 2010

Little Sleazebags....

Hi guys,

I am surviving....but the place where I was based is gone, I can sleep there no longer due to mere discomfort and bad karma, it aint been 'my flat, 'my home' for ages now...and the jerk who owns the place is a sleazeball. I have yet another shameful confession....

Now, even had I a laptop still my time online would be limited. I have still been crashing at my friends place, among a few others here and there, while the one I will just call 'the man' has been couch surfing too.....but he is gonna help me with the sleazebag, he owes me that much...

Now, I may owe rent arrears, ok, and the place may be a tip...but I have caused no permananent damage. The door, which was the only thing, I intend to get someone to repair....whatever the case is there any justification for a 5.11" man physically intimidating a 5.5" woman who only weighs seven and a half stone? Who he knows to be vulnerable too....there is no fucking way. What he did the other day was illegal, letting himself in with his keys after giving me less than the required 24 hours notice, then physically intimidating me demanding to look in the rooms, shoving me out of the way to look in the bedroom of all places?

That jerk is not right in the head himself, did I wish to I could take legal action. As it is I just want out. But what makes it worse was that I was so lonely the beginning of last year....I let the piece of sleaze shag me....how could I have done, where was my taste...and the idiot squirted in my mouth when I asked him not to...and yuck he wore white y-fronts!

Now, I was there yesterday clearing the place, I had 'the man' over....I made him promise me deal with that twat as there is something about this we have kind of been in together, he can do that much. I fucked up bad yesterday, spent too much money part due to being sold some crap gear in the morning...and an unsympathetic healthcare profession in this district, who refused me anything to help me sleep over this period and raised the fact I was a smackhead back in....1996!!! Like, what have 14 years ago got to do with now? They all follow 12 step ideology round here, the disease model once an addict always an addict and no shrink can help me while I drink or use ANYTHING even socially because I have some mystical disease, they all follow it to one note or another...I will write more on this later, but to be judged by yet more people who have never walked in my shoes....it begs belief it truly does. According to my sympathetic doc all my friends are evil druggies and alkies just encouraging my vices, the 'real me' (i.e my sober self) is never seen....shove it. I am getting the hell out of this particular part of town, I have not been sleeping there anyway...no wonder there are so many down and outs, people who the system leaves to rot...my problems make me not eligible for housing assistance, anything unless I face 'treatment'...when I did not even say everything I had been using....I was questioned on how do I afford to do anything, I should have just said I fucked directly for it, there was no reason to question me, extract a confession about being a sex worker then being moralised to about it...the issue was that the place where all my belongings is makes me ill to sleep in, I can't go back there without getting depressed and fucking up in some way or other....usually getting smashed when I don't intend to or more smashed. I then worry about money etc.....but fuck so called 'help'...I have fast come to the conclusion I can only help myself.....but the man can help me at least ease out of that place...pray I get that loan sorted so I have enough for a new place, laptop and to repay a few debts then I can get back on my feet regain my own space....

Forgiving I am....I said I cannot be trusted re the man and I proved to myself yesterday that I can't. Why I am still in love with/besotted with someone who has been so mean....but I will catch up later..

Sunday, 23 May 2010

Furious But Alive

I keep promising to catch up on everyone's blogs..truth is that the lack of my pc plus connection gives me limited time...it has fucked my business too this weekend as if it was not already fucked......how I have managed to avoid the fate of streetwalking it seems God has a little mercy....managed to get out a bit as well....funny how although I am essentially down and out and present I have a touch more happiness and dignity than I was when in that rotten apartment crying over the man who now is too shamefaced to even speak to me...I will try to be online tomorrow....pray I have a good week I want a place to live I want a lot of things I want some level of stability I want to sort out my finances and yes I still want to party and get over my heartache......gradually returning to myself pray I can....

Thursday, 20 May 2010

Big Thx To You Guys.......

FIRST...A BIG THANK YOU TO ALL YOUR COMMENTS TO MY LAST POST......YOUR READING AND SUPPORT HAVE BEEN SUCH A HELP THROUGH THIS HARD TIME, MORE THAN YOU KNOW...I PROMISE I WILL CATCH UP ON YOUR BLOGS WHEN MY INTERNET ACCESS IS MORE STABLE ETC....MY READERS, A BIG THANK YOU TO YOU ALL XXXX

Just to let you guys all know I am alive and well...it is annoying the hell out of me not having that laptop or internet any more.....but first think I need a place to live as I cannot kip on my mates floor forever...

I have a dirty confession....despite how it has all ended in tears me and 'the man' had a good sex life , despite all the other shit....I don't know if you ever read that the only redeeming quality of abusive relationships can be....that. A good shag. Which he even ended up depriving me of to the point of making me beg during one of his power control sessions...dom sub games that became real. But what I am ashamed of.....I still jerk off over him. It was sad when I used to do it alone when off my nut, and he was wherever either jerking off to porn or trying to pull some other woman.

I got to stay single for a while until I regain some sanity. How I wish.....I could promise....but I can't promise was he to come back now apologetic etc, if the man I fell in love with, not the monstrous madman was to return.....I would not go back. The man still has a hold over me. I never used to get off on videos of men pulling women's hair while she sucked them off, had her asked them to call her a crazy whore, was treated rough by one man in the scenario who was her boyfriend while the other was his mate....I do now. I jerk off over that...sometimes I want to become nothing, I want to allow myself to be used by two or three men as a total object, have them humiliate me while they fuck my brains out and treat me like dirt, call me every name, I want them to be rough, aggressive with me. I don't know how much this is my own tendency, how much of it is a genuine part of my sexuality or how much of it is his that I learnt to enjoy...he gets off on all that...along with him thinking he should be in control because.....he is male. I wonder what century he lives in. I hate it when I fleet between speaking of someone in the past and pres tenses....I am just ashamed that I still jerk off over a man who is not only seriously mentally disturbed but also abused me. When I missed him I jerked off over him all time....he actually thought my high sex drive was a sign I was disturbed, abnormal. He thought the fact I enjoyed sex with him made me a 'filthy slut' in itself...the fact I orgasmed with him made me more despicable. While he made out in the beginning the dom sub stuff was a game, when he lovingly said 'of course I don't really mean you are a filthy slut, sweetheart'....he meant it near the end. He meant it when he said 'go get my money you owe me you filthy smelly slut'. I must be insane jerking off over a man who treated me like scum.....but it's like this. Ok I have that tendency to enjoy dom sub games and like to be sub.....but it does not mean I enjoy real life abuse. I should maybe not be ashamed....I loved that man, however much my love was wasted on him. He aint capable of love, he is too screwed up. I aint over him, I can't be in another relationship til I am over him......so perhaps I should ease on myself.

Perhaps I shouldn't even blame it on the work I did....the fact I was a sex worker just gave him a powerful stick to beat me with. Had it not been that....he would've found something else. He is going through a bad patch...and is the type of man inclined to take it out on whoever the woman is who is in his life at present. He is not the only one. I have no choice but to stay single for a while, treat all men as potential predators until they prove otherwise...I must do it to avoid getting hurt. Predatory men pick up on signals....and 'my asshole' said about abused women 'a predator only comes in if you let him' and that abused women truly enjoy the drama of an abusive relationship, the laws of the jungle mean you either must be predator or prey...he knows which one he'd rather...and it is women's place to be submissive, to do what their men say....the fact I am a woman....meant I had no choice but to be prey in the mind of this sick man I have cried so much over. Any questioning meant I was a 'militant feminist' who 'hates men'. I do not hate men though...what I do hate is abuse. If he truly equates being male with being predatory, misogynist, abusive...he aint doing the male sex much of a service if all this I have been through is down to the fact he is a.......man. I always knew he had streaks of misogyny but how much he hates women I never knew.....he should keep away from us until he sorts it out......He knows he has other issues but it is always substance abuse, stress etc.......he fails to see that he has a problem with being abusive because he thinks he is entitled to as he is a man. It is an ideology. I did not know domestic violence was an ideology, I took those feminist claims with a pinch of salt. I now know them to be true as I have been there, I have had it for the past year and a half.

But happier things....I replaced my guitar. I have been practicing a bit with a mate while we have both gotten slightly smashed. I have been socialising more, the guy who has been putting me up introduced me to some of his mates, women as well as men and they are decent types.....the women not being the types ready to have cat fights over grams of coke and all that nonsense, nor are the men all predatory and violent as all somebody else's male friends.....There is no chance of any relationship occuring between the man I been staying with and myself.....despite the fact he does fancy me a bit I agreed with him we both have too many problems and it would only complicate things and I don't want another relationship right now....just nice to sleep on the same matress as a male and not have him demand I suck his cock nor does he put drugs in front me then demand I can have if I pay in kind....as Jason's mates would do while he would just....watch.

I've been partying, A rich guy who I'm friendly with I spent a few days with, he shared a lot of gear with me but really wanted to hang out and he did want a few favours but it was nothing I didn't want to do actually had a bit of a laugh just viewing some porn with him and testing my new vibrator while he jerked off I helped him along a bit....decent man just rich and lonely few true friends....he's a cokehead but a rich cokehead at least who aint bankrupt like myself or Jason etc....he throws big parties has a big house and all.....I don't like to think in a mercenary way but if I am to survive and enjoy the rest of my life..perhaps he has friends with a lot of money, perhaps I can earn more....and actually make a profit rather than purely just be supporting a habit. And one day I am gonna publish this blog. Whatever happens this is a new summer, this could well be a new beginning. Despite all I have lost.....I must see the positive in this. Never, never, will I let any man.....doubt who I am. Make me ashamed of being....me.

That so called posh 'friend' of mine has gone too....never again will I hear her moralising Knightsbridge acccent tell me what I should and should not do with my own body, the alcoholic who tells me I am 'unemployed' what I do is neither work nor a business and I cannot even afford £50 a week, the alcoholic who thinks the fact I accept money for sex and like a sniff means....I invite domestic violence into my life. I was so mad I was thinking she should thank herself that distance prevented me from.......but she aint worth assualting and risking jail for...the bitch who heard me in hysterics when I still thought she was a friend, she heard me cry while continuing to moralise I said 'Can't you see my heart has broken, the man I loved has nearly killed me, spare me won't you', til she eventually forced me to just hang up....she had the nerve to say to me when I said to her 'spare me' she told me 'life won't spare you though'. The stupid cow whose own life is so boring she is obsessed with politician sleaze scandals....and she had a very unhealthy interest in my Jason, stupid stuff she asked about him that was not for the purpose of grassing - despite his paranoia she had fuck all and there was no crime to report - like what was his daughters name what was his ex wife's name stupid inane stuff.....but something strange was that he said the fact I am a whore means I ask for it......she essentially said the same thing. She is out of my life now, I gave that little slapper many chances she blew them all may she rot in hell...or in her miserable little suburban life. God, I hate you bitch.

But I have been having more fun than her these past couple of weeks....and I never thought I'd hear myself say this.....I've been having more fun with not seeing him, out of that rotten little apartment which I ask people not to call 'my flat' because it has long ceased to be.......the police victim support guy rang me and I said please not to call back I want all that put behind me, the burglary all that took place there.......it is not my home...I am essentially not in a good place, homeless as I go from party to party...but in a weird way I feel better, some kind of weight has lifted....as I am no longer ruled by fear. A man is no longer ruling my life or controlling me.....and I am once more free to party. Earning is still a stress....and the theft of my laptop did not help in fact it lost me a lot of business, but things will pick up.

Ok, so I am crazy in my own way. I have issues. But the things people would judge me most for, the fact I am a cocaine addict and a sex worker are not the things that trouble me the most, to some extent I like living on the edge. I take drugs because I enjoy them, end of, I want to hear no psychobabble. I will catch up more on everything soon..I've already written more than I intended. But the drugs I do i've been enjoying as I have been in good companuy....not the company of madmen and psychos. I have been compliments on my looks by men, only one man insulted me by saying I am too thin.....I know that is my only problem. I couldn't eat due to depression, but I can eat again now.

The phone has been dead today not earnt and to a large extent the man who said he'd always 'help me make money' - the pimp who took and never gave back - has stopped me earning. Which is why I've been buying overpriced coke in light grams rather than bigger amounts which are more economical.....on a good week I do that, I aint had a good week for months.......I shoul've stopped getting my gear off my p**p a wee while ago, the quality decreased as the price remained the same.....it wouldn't surprise me if his greed took over so much that he gave it to me after bashing it himself....he admits having done that to another friend of his so why not me?...but it was his loss. I buy no gear off him now....if I can only manage to take three days off next week....unless my rich mate is having a party tonight and it is on him......it looks like I might have to take tonight off.....but three days is hard at the moment...though I managed it once when I believed things were getting better with that bloody Jason and felt happier....til he brought me down again when somethintg went wrong for him.....these issues are still here.

But at least I been out enjoying myself, mixing with people again...next week I might manage what was my local bar where I used to hang.....til it got to the pathetic stage I was always having to earn could never go out while I lay alone either crying or jerking off over that man while he would be out getting trashed or partying with other women while he was killing me inside, leaving me waiting alone at home for him.......he never took me out anywhere with him because he was, I guess, saying he was single........and I was like some sleazy little secret he had...his only loyal bloody customer who he'd lean on financially emotionally while denying to everyone she even existed.......the motherfucker.

Monday, 17 May 2010

I Survive...Regaining Freedom and Dignity

Hi guys,

This may be a new start.....I may have a new place to live by the end of the month, sharing a place with another woman in my profession....on the grounds the place is clean, tidy, to see clients....and I may get another room to sleep where I don't work.

To let you know....a male friend has been putting me up before I sort myself out...and he wants nothing from me. He will make sure nobody hurts a hair on my head...and wants none of my income. He knows I have been hurting that I have almost lost everything......help comes to me as I am a survivor, as he recognises.....he is another man who lives on the edge but it is against his principles to abuse women...he is no psychotic madman. He likes a bit of you know what, but aint so far gone screwed up can no longer enjoy it...The threats of my - what do I call the man who refuses to call himself a boyfriend but has been abusing me - no longer scare me. Threatening that there are violent crims out to kill me cos I am a 'liability' and I have him to thank for his protection by stopping them, I should edit this blog etc....he can stop thinking he can frighten me ever again. Did he ever love me, were his expressions of affection ever real? I know no longer......

I caught up with a friend on Saturday, my musician mate....we had a good time until it got to the point his possesive girlfriend was to return who allows him no female friends and controls his social life....he was in tears telling me that she has been physically violent but it is against his principles to retaliate as men hitting women is wrong....I told him some men do not discriminate re gender. We both cried. I am lucky to have good male friends who care for me, who will not see me hurt...and do not judge me for what I do. They are upset for me that the man I loved, who meant the world to me....has left me without a home, my most beloved possessions...and my close sanity, along with some of my self confidence and esteem, which I am now regaining. The heartache will fade....but if he reads this...

I hope to God you know I loved you.....you meant all to me I would've given you all my love, everything. Even now....I still love you despite everything, although I am at the point I realise I must put myself and my survival first...if it means grieving and moving on so be it. Thanks to my friends who are here....and thanks to my loyal readers who have supported me through this hell I have gone through.

He will know his death threats etc will no longer scare me......if he or any of his sick mates hurt a hair on my head....they won't get away with it. I will let you rule my life no longer darling. You tried to make me over.....at first you did not want me to be a whore because you decided I could do better, was better. You changed your mind when you needed the money....and even then I pleaded if it was to destroy our relationship I would not do it....money and drugs were not worth the loss of the man I loved. You sacrificied a woman who you know adored you.....for the sake of money and drugs. My tears have been endless......did you lie to me about how you felt? Once upon a time I was your girlfriend, nay, you even called me your missus once. You stopped calling me that a while back...and lied by saying you never were my boyfriend....I asked what were you as my male friends do not abuse me mentally emotionally physically.....or pass me on sexually to their mates or pimp me out....I cannot call you a friend and despite you calling me your 'bitch', 'slut' or whatever else....I never called you my 'pimp' but as you didn't like the term boyfriend unless it suited the mood you were in....I called you my man as it sounded neutral not insulting. If this is how it must be I will have no choice to remember you as my pimp.....the man who even if did not directly demand a percentage....found other ways to live off me. And you dared to call me a parasite....while I worked while you slept, I took clients back to my lounge while you slept off your binge...and you brought round your psycho mate while I worked...and I did not keep any of that money after paying to get high and giving you your cut...I went hungry for two days while you offered the bastard who abused me with you all night breakfast.

Sorry hon....but you have been wrong you know it...hence you cannot face me. Take your own advice and look in the mirror. You sneered at me saying you could maintain your habit while I could not...like hell. This is why you are homeless, have lived off a woman who helped you financially, did what she did to help you as much as herself......the man who once loved my 'precious heart'......the man who I was still longing for as recent as Friday......I loved you to bits you jerk.

You and your pyscho petty crim violent misogynist mates....have lost me my home. I can no longer sleep there as it has been violated along with my person. The last straw........I found out all along I had been lied to. For his 'agency'......I passed on the details of a woman I distrusted instantly. I have a score to settle with that bitch......she insisted she did not want him. He told me he was not seeing her....he had been for a long time behind my back....after the agency had finished, while the agency was on he would sweet talk her using my landline, running my bill up.....he came over mine last week raging like a madman, saying he wanted to kill someone.....throwing my stuff around....then asking me for a hug, saying why didn't I hug him without him asking....because he had terrified me was why. I had failed my test to prove my love....by admitting I had emotional needs of my own as if I loved him....I'd do ANYTHING. I would put him first always...but no all I could think of was myself...even then....

I had a client over.....this woman phoned twice. The first time he evaded the issue, told me 'shut up slut' while she was screeching at him down the phone asking why he had left her alone in the pub with his mad buddy....then she called back...I said sarcastically 'say hi from me'.....she heard and I heard her scream what was he doing at mine.......if nothing had been happening why did she want to know what he was doing at mine? He told her....this was what was too painful for me to write before.....that he was just round mine 'for money'. Does he call her his girlfriend now? She had been stashing his goods in her bra......and he'd been crashing at hers while I was alone breaking my heart in a place that had been destroyed sobbing my heart out over him....has the man lost his heart? Did he lie when he once said he loved me and called me his girlfriend? He has sometimes said he said so because he was 'high' ....was he not wrecked he aims higher than me...I am unworthy of him and am ungrateful that he even condescended to go out with me, he tried to 'help' me but I have failed him...and dragged him down. Don't forget...he had a proper business once....and a 'decent, respectable proper woman'. There are disadvantages to being a 'single man'...lacking a decent woman, being lumbered with an insufferable whore etc.

Sure. The 'insufferable whore' who has saved his neck from debt to crims countless times, the 'insufferable whore' who was his only source of income early this year. Yes, I have sunk but will pick myself up....he admits he has sunk and it is painful for him to look at me because it reminds him he has sunk.....if he could not handle my work I pleaded with him I would not do it......he said don't worry, 'we' need the money....he used his 'emotional cut off switch' to avoid falling in love with me because his financial problems consumed all his being....so I tried my best to help him have what he wanted....money. I have failed there too as I have not earnt enough....so his attempts to find other women who will succeed where I failed....if only he knew had he been nicer to me I'd have given him all.....I'd have earnt more, given him a home....cooked, cleaned for him played the traditional role he wanted.....but I 'can't even cook'...despite the fact he has only let me cook for him once....he didn't like the meal. And last time I was at his I failed to clear his bedroom despite the fact I'd done each other room....this was the weekend his sick mate threatened him with a weapon and I felt for him...the same mate who has since taken his grievances out on me...by smashing my door in stealing my possessions....I felt for him so I accepted abuse - in the form of death threats, threats of white slavery to him and his boys, and a nose that was nearly broken by his back handed slap.

I portray him as nothing he aint.....he is not an evil man but is losing his empathy and any shreds of compassion he had for women....he has had things go wrong so he decides to take it out on the only person he can...the woman who loved him, who was closest to him, who would rub his back whenever he asked her to....who woke him up for court by staying awake herself to stop him sleeping in and facing jail as a result....because he could not afford tax and insurance on his car. He could not afford his rent either....all went up his nose. And he calls this maintaining? If he truly believes he is at the top of his anthill he is delusional....but he aint above me. I see clearly....and that is what he cannot handle.....that he fools me no more, I know what has been going on.......and I have let it go on because of my deep feelings for the man. I put up with it because my profession....not many men would be able to handle it. At heart he could not. I watched the movie 'Indecent Proposal' last night and cried. I have been lonely, sex with strangers is cold...why I have been tolerating all this just to have a man in my life who I love, some sexual encounters that feel real, that I want...which he has played on by leaving me frustrated then making me beg in his dom sub games.....telling me 'gag on it slut' while he puts his cock in my mouth......he joked once that putting his penis in my mouth stops me talking....that awful weekend I was told from then on.....he would just slap me if I refused to shut up did I say something that upset or annoyed him...and he is easily annoyed, it is walking on eggshells.

His sick buddies intensify his view...one of his thugs told me the other day that 'Jason loved you, you were the jewel in his crown, you were everything...now you have driven him away by your rotten behaviour'. I cried, pleading with this jerk I had done nothing wrong to my man.....if anything I'd been wronged. I bumped into him by accident....that was the result. His little gang....I know now not to expect compassion from any of them, the jerks. I wrote to one of his cronies who I thought had more of a heart, explained things, as my man refused to listen to my 'emotional bullshit'.....I told his mate the man I loved had treated me like an animal, I was losing everything...please reason with him if possible. It got me into more trouble. The three of them were bullying me, yelling, and was told to 'shut the fuck up' when I dared cry. This was after.....my man/pimp whatever one may call him....left me alone with yet another of his thugs pimped me out to him without having discussed it with me......the same night the revelation occured about the woman he had been seeing and I was already broken. His mate groped me in his presence, he said nothing. I was in my room with a client....who picked up on vibes and returned the next day in concern for my welfare along with wanting to shag me.....After the client left my man's sick mate started to grope me again......my man had a call and said he was leaving but he would be back.....he would leave 'us two lovebirds' alone....I was furious as he was not my lover I didn't want him.....but he said 'look after my mate' I said what the hell it had not been discussed with me....he said 'do as you are told'....I said what the hell I do not take orders....he ignored me just said to his mate pay her won't you...this man continued to grope me I said give it a break I had just been shagged I am not a machine or sex slave I got dignity....my man said that's right give her a break she's already been at it....he said he was coming back, I said take the keys then he would not....then I knew he would not be back. I was left alone with another of his men. I started crying....I knew this guy who had been ok with me before but knew he had a dark side, was capable of violence......I didn't want to upset him.....I got him to call my man who would not be back...big surprise! I spoke to him said why was he doing this....the reply was 'fuck off slut'.

I made the most of the time with his buddy...ok I let him do sexual stuff with me, although he got it cheap. I got high and he was tolerable company not paranoid. But....I had caught him on a good night. He fancied me and his beef was with my man, not me....he is saner than the guy who smashed my door in. But he was selfish....the gear my man pretended was 90 per cent pure....I aint fucking dumb it is impossible to get such stuff here by the ounce.....idiot cant take me for that much of a fool.....was cut with something that burnt my nose and hurt. When the comedown began my heart was hurting as much as my nose... I expressed pain. The man's reply was 'can I suck his cock for five minutes?'. I said was he mad, I was hurting and long past it, it was the last thing on my mind....the man I loved had been seeing someone else behind my back as well as denying me affection, company, sex etc.....and my belongings taken, my door smashed by his psycho mate...I was lucky to be alive, that I was not there when he broke in......while my man left me to face it alone, fucked off alone......to hide from the man who could've injured me as well as invading what had once been my home. Suck anyone's cock while I was dying inside? He had kept me awake with my sore nose by jerking off against my body....he called a cab to go home...to his wife.

I spoke to my man the next day.....he asked was his mate still there...I said of course not, why would he be? He said there's no need to worry, he is a good man who would 'look after me' as he was taking a break. I said fuck that, I was not looking for another pimp.....after which the point came about him going away to sort his head out etc.

I know he has lied. I know he is still working.....but he told me he isn't. He knows I don't want his overpriced coke...I can get a better deal elsewhere. I don't want his mate to sell me on that gear and act as surrogate pimp (married as well) while he gets his 'space'. He lied about where he stayed...the night he asked me to 'get him money to prove I love him'.....then later....'get on the streets and pay me your debt you filthy whore'.....stayed with that other tart that night. He had a safe flat for the weekend but he'd been let down...hence him going to her. I was not offered to join him in the safe flat.......I was left to rot in the home I once had that had become a hell for me.....God.

My lack of interest in his mate.....when I bumped into him and his boys....I tried reason but I was told to shut up by all of them......while they shouted and mouthed off at me for having done..nothing but be human, fail to be a blow up doll who only speaks when spoken to. He could not look me in the eye.....but I told him it killed me.....about the women he'd been seeing...and being left alone with yet another of his boys. He said the man he left me alone with....he 'fully empathised'....because.....the man tried to stab him the other day. I went beserk, sobbed how could you leave me alone with another psycho, and to add insult to injury offer his services as pimp to me? He could not hear it....so he told me get the hell out call me in two days......after trying to smooth me over, giving me a kiss saying he'd tell his mates in the room not to bully me anymore....hell.

That is it. I spoke to him once since....he asked me something pathetic about a phone battery...when I complained about losing my home, my business being fucked or at least gone down, being abused by his mates...I was told again not to give him 'emotional bullshit'. He tried to make me use hair straighteners knowing it is not my style.....so I can look more like a Barbie doll. My refusal was more evidence of my failure....I was how I am just less of wreck when I met him....I never asked him to make me over or 'help me'.....make money or whatever I was fucking fine as I was inside and know who I am still......despite his claims 'I don't know who I am'.....no hon, you have not suceeded there. You have caught a woman who knows what domestic violence is and I am woken to it.....I was blind for a time but not now. I let it continue....cos my line of work (which I began for both of us)...had left me so lonely and longing......I was prepared to accept abuse as a price of his love.

I aint no more. I will survive the pain will go.......My friends are looking after me. Believe me, there are criminals with honour. It is against their principles to abuse women.....his death threats no longer hold weight with me. He gave me another death threat before his kiss on Saturday....if any trouble comes his way due to me I'd be....I said don't bother, tearfully I said I have friends who do value my life and if a hair on my head is hurt.......he knew when to stop. He knows I have friends now who won't see me hurt, he knows the friend who has put me up....and he is a man he won't upset, and this is not somone out to earn off me but a decent man who is friend to me.....I am no longer going to live in fear of him and his thugs they will rule my life no more. I rule my own life...

I will catch up more tomorrow....but I have got a judgemental friend out of my life who came with the opinion that my lifestyle means I 'ask for it' and commented on my finances, everything that was none of her business....when all I wanted was a shoulder to cry on over a broken heart....she can fuck off too.

I am who I am....and am proving I am a survivor. More tomorrow xxx

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Small Mercies

A woman once consented to let her man order her to strip naked and stand in the middle of the room among his poker buddies....they fondled her and threw sexual insults at her. As she had been ordered not to move she stood still crying....he then 'felt' her pain and gave her something to take it away.

Thank heaven for small mercies....he felt her pain. I have been with a man who now is incapable of feeling anyone else's pain but his own. This story was taken from a manual on how to pimp women by a guy called Mickey Royal.

At the time I read that I did not understand why she consented to such a thing. Sadly....I do now.

Catch up later. Meanwhile, no sign of him for better or worse.

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Florence + The Machine - Kiss With A Fist

Hey Guys....

Just to let you know I am still alive.....after being through hell and back...

I will catch up in detail tomorrow, but I feel I have lost everything, my most personal belongings, my guitar and laptop, were stolen by my mans psychopathic buddy...after he smashed my door in looking for who had been his 'best mate' but was threatening to kill....thank God I was out or he may well have harmed me, this is a madman I speak of.

The result of this was not the support I needed - ok I know to have a psycho threaten your life must be hell.....but aint it been terrifying for me as well? Do I need it? Meanwhile the man I love let the beast within take over til he became an abusive monster I no longer recognised.....and he has brought men with him to join in humiliating me, his stupid pimp games, trying to make me degrade myself then telling me I have no self respect...when I have REFUSED to give freebies to his mates, to let clients cum in my mouth etc because 'we need the money'.

I hate to say it....but I do still love him. Despite the fact I have lost my home, my most prized possessions, been losing weight etc......if this is what love does I want it no more. I am heartbroken, he has hurt me far more than any man has ever done...it has nearly killed me.

He has gone away now and left me alone in the hell he left me in.....because he needs 'space' to 'sort his head out'. If he cannot refrain from abusing me verbally mentally emotionally physically sexually.....it is probably for the best he stays away. Perhaps it is his way of showing he does care.....protecting me by not putting me at risk by his presence. He knows he is mentally ill. He said he will try to stay sober for a bit. The thing is he has lied to me so much.....I no longer know what to believe.

I must shoot as I want to try to earn......my cash aint going to him no more. I said if he is gone for the time being he is gone.....I get my shit elsewhere if I want it. He said he aint flogging it no more anyway.....I don't know if I believe that or not. But he knows there will be no 'business transactions' whatever. Never has any man hurt me so much.

Meanwhile no man will ever again make me doubt who I am......Enjoying to get high does not mean I deserve this.....psychos in my life etc, violence. I know other guys do coke even flog a bit.....they avoid all the shit my man gets into. It must be his greed, lack of self restraint.......to the extent of even sacrificing a woman he loved, treating her as a sex/money object, an animal......I think deep down he knows what he has done and can't live with himself...nor can he deal with the pain in my eyes at what has happened. That is why he cannot face me at present.....his buddy kicking my door in doing that made him more, not less, abusive....because he knew I never invited that sicko into my life but he did. So he brings round....more twisted men. Leaves me hungry no money to eat for two days...while he buys a prick he brought round and abused me all night breakfast after the pair of them had every penny I earnt. Ok, I got high but walked the streets for what he gave to his pal free while they both got paranoid twisted and took it in turns making me cry. Why I didn't tell the pair of them to get the hell out....my strength had gone by then. This was the same day I had earlier bought my beloved new clothes, took him food cos I felt for the fact he is homeless, few clothes, cos I loved him.
I tolerated the shit later because.....
I'd been broken.....the handiwork of a pimp.

What I do for a living does not make me less worthy of respect than any other woman. Next time he needs a loan....he can ask the 'decent, proper woman' he once had (to use his own words about his ex). She'll likely tell him to fuck off.

I hope he gets better before it is too late, I truly do. He can face the fact he aint well....whether or not he can come to terms with the domestic violence issue and stop transferring the blame onto me for being an 'insufferable bitch' is a different matter. Time will tell....in the meantime it is best he stays away til he regains his sanity.

People look at me pass judgement and assume it is because I am a drug addict and I must have abstinence etc.......some jerk last night who I helped score (I am furious with that prick too....I will write of that tomorrow) offered me unwanted 'help with my addiction' - which I told him to shove where the sun don't shine. I told him my man had been beating me in more ways than one....he did not hear it. Two seconds later he said 'why has your boyfriend left you?' making the blind assumption it was he who left me.....not me who told him to go. And to be fair to me I have made it clear to him I have my limits.

I like to get high and I am not ashamed. Yes, I am a sexual being and this does not make me a 'filthy slut' or any other terms my boyfriend has used. I am not 'filthy' for enjoying or wanting sex with him....if he thinks so the problem is his and it is sad that he can treat a woman who wants him......like this. He must hate himself, feel himself so unloveable....how could any woman long for him? He asked me one night 'Why do you love me, I a low life scummy man' or something of the sort.......this probably shows his egotistical rants to the opposite are to be taken with a pinch of salt...as is much else he says. He has lied to me so much.......and how dare he tell me I am the one who hates myself, who does not know who I am, who has 'no self respect' and all the other stuff....then tells me to 'look in the mirror' each time I complain that his abusive behaviour hurts me. I.e look in the mirror see you are unnattractive, dirt etc no wonder I abuse you what man would want you. I am getting my life back. I will enjoy getting high again without being punished by a man who is two far gone with excess and psychosis to enjoy his poison anymore.....least I know now what level I don't want to be at. I shall enjoy my weekends....as I had a few pleasant evenings this weekend gone....in the company of others, not him, I was pleasantly high and mellow. And I shall not hate myself for accepting money for sex, I do what I do to get by. No man shall hurt me like this ever again.....and he will not because I shall not give him the power to ever again. He has lost a lot of the control he had because he pushed me too far....he got too cocky. He won't be again.

Hi to my new visitors......I shall read your blogs tomorrow when I return to this cafe. I need to replace my laptop....and earn I shall. It may have been interrupted but I won't let this fuck my business up. Don't think this don't hurt, it is agony....but surivive I will. I shall not let any man kill me....however much I love him.