I have to make light of this pathetic little tragi comedy that runs around in spirals....as there is a funny side.
Thanks to my lack of self restraint and stupid binges looks like I'm going to have to go on the streets. My last 'client' (who was actually listed on the site, I knew he sounded pissed or high) was a wired up guy who was bragging about the fact he was a pimp (though of course he did not like me using the term). But seeing as he insisted on referring to me as a 'brass' I did not desist from using that term. The reason for his dislike was that a pimp is thought of as 'not a real man', whereas him.....yeah, right. Like the term he uses is descriptive of a real woman, sorry, but his term represents what is a caricature and a stereotype men use.
He was off his nut when he phoned, and normally I would've said no, but it had been a shit day, and it was partly my own greed. I agreed partly because I knew my man was just round the corner and could boot him. The guy was off his nut and so was I, happy combination! When he shortchanged me a tenner then refused to leave, walked round like he owned the place, I did keep saying to those guys come on. They turned up not quite when I asked, and hey, it seems this charming gentleman was an accquaintance of my own man (not though business or anything, my guy has pretty little to do with being proactive on that scene) but through another friend.
I found it awkward, which led me to call this gent to make peace. That didn't go down well with my own man, who thought I was after this other guys drugs....I was honest as usual, I won't pretend I engage in casual sex when there is nothing material in it for me...but that man is too much hassle. I was exhausted, been up the previous night and not slept, I fell asleep and missed a call (maybe an appointment, if so I am out of pocket as well as in debt - again and still) then this twat called talking nonsense telling me I need a straightjacket and a load of other nonsense, like he had some coke but had just run out (only to wind me up and play games). He was stalky, called all night, the first few I ignored the last I slept through. Nothing today yet but maybe he aint smashed yet...so say a prayer. I ask HIM to ask this 'friend' of his to lay off - said I want nothing out of the man, despite his insistence that he 'knows my agenda'.
Well, this wasn't as bad as the last time because at least I was paid, it was just a minor annoyance in comparison with other things. I was worried to hell about you know who the other day, firstly because he had not answered his phone all day (unusual) then when I phoned him he sounded ill and pissed off, said he was going straight, was sick of that life etc...not the first time I had heard that. I asked him did he want to come round in my sympathetic way, he said he was taking a sleeper and going to bed...then he called me ten mins later to say his friend was picking up, did I want anything....I said yes, I'd already got something from elsewhere that night but was being greedy really, I didn't have to, should learn to say no. Then I wouldn't have ended in debted and with no money today (I wouldn't have missed the call) and with no money and drugs today. I've nobody but myself to blame.
On top of being edgy yesterday I was still worried about his mental health so when I did call I was relieved to here he was ok....he was fine by then, he just wanted the cash I owed him, was talking the talk (and was prepared to walk the walk as well by then). I don't know how someone who can be so nice when he feels it can appear to have no compassion at time.....I won't be compensated for that unwanted BJ either, seeing as I failed to give the jerk an erection anyway (besides the point but I couldn't argue the toss). I keep on promising myself I will break this cycle.....but it is a lot harder while things continue the way they are...unsteady. If I had a predictableish income I could plan more....but I haven't so I have been binging on a good day, broke and rattling on a bad. As for the mental health and happiness of myself and others.....well. I want a happy ending, not one that ends in madness, despair, violence or death. It aint so much the fucking drugs it's those pricks he hangs with....and then I am subjected to their shit as well. Goddam.
Wish me luck for tonight....I hate it out there. But at least I am certain to earn....unlike sitting around here. I am close to giving up on the internet as at least walking the streets earns reliably. Ok, so individual guys pay less but they are always there, unlike the phone which has not been ringing all day and only ever does haphazardly.
3 years ago