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Sunday, 11 April 2010

What Next?...Long Post.

I pray next week will be a good week and tomorrow a good day...last weeks episode cost me and I need to earn.

There is the opposite myth from that of the frigid whore, which is the nymphomaniac, the one the man I have let into my life seems to have bought into, despite my pleading that casual sex for a living makes me more in need of something real, what I have always found.....

It was the head fuck more than anything that got to me last week. That rotten man who was here asked me when things started going wrong and asked me in the tone of voice like he knew what the answer was going to be - drugs. I put him right there, and told him it was not drugs. It was something else....

Those of you who have followed this blog will know what I went through last year with my psycho ex. I was getting over him last year, partying, having a good time, feeling hopeful, was having a good time with my new man.....I can't think of the precise moment it started to turn bad. It began around the time Alex showed up on the scene, and then other things.....the men I have spoken of here still have their little parties but I am excluded from most of them now. I don't want to be sad, I want to get out again have fun like I used to, I must put some money aside, the other weeks binge did me no good, but I could have made up for it slightly if not for Monday's fuck up. I just want the bad news to go, I want to put myself back together, but the continuation of that kind of thing, the hurt, makes it very hard for me to do.......

Some men have no compassion, I am not supposed to matter, not allowed to show pain....because I am a fucked up coke whore anyway who is always mad, everything is my fault etc and I set myself up for it...fuck that. I am no liar or manipulator, I don't pretend to men that I like them when I don't in order to obtain drugs....

It's painful when a lot of these men who have shagged me when it suited them now appear to hate and despise me...especially when they are so unpredictable and switch so much. I even have to censor myself here, damn.

I wish my man did not know about this blog, he somehow found it when using my computer when I was out working to get his fucking money for him one night....I want the pain to stop is all. I want to take joy in life again, but what I've been through over the last year makes me more emotionally needy. I can't rely on my inner resources when I feel so sucked dry and hollow, and the drugs take the pain away...until they wear off. Then it all comes back.

He didn't come today, didn't phone when he said he would, and every time I do phone him he always asks me about money, like that is all I am reduced to now. And there are times he is so horrible he says not to phone him lest I have money.

The idiot I was left with on Monday probed me with questions about myself I had no desire to answer, I can't even recall what they were. When I complained of this I was told by my dearest that he 'only wanted to get to know me'. Well - I did not want to know him and did not want him to know me.....genuine clients with respect do not probe me like that, come out with dumb/frigid whore prejudices and all that shit. It wouldn't have been so bad had I not had a bad client two nights before...he paid, mind, but was a weirdo who kept asking me for anal, bareback when I said NO several times, asked me about dating then stole my bloody tights of all things....now I've met all kinds of weird men, that I could handle. What I could not handle was the man I love and who once claimed to love me leaving me alone for the night with some weird man with dumb prejudices, religion etc.......knowing full well I was reluctant to agree to it full stop....even with payment...but he asked me to do it cheap 'for him'. Not free though....but I was an idiot to agree full stop. I had such a thing done to me as a teenager, I should know better at my age than to let this happen again, had I just said no he'd have had more respect....but he had a weapon the men I knew as a youngster did not have. He had something he could've withheld, you can guess what it was.

Violence, blackmail, threats, although they may scare me don't hurt me like with holding of affection, sex, drugs etc can....I may be bearing my soul but what the fuck. When men have threatened me I've gone as far as to say kill me now, get it over with, why prolong the pain and misery.......if it was just him then fair play. I know he aint an evil man deep down, just fucked up and thoughtless...but his buddies scare the hell out of me. He has told me if he told them to kill me they would.....Please don't fear, I know deep down all this is just talk, threats, power games, he would never seriously hurt me.......but why the need for all this? I know it is because he does not trust me, he is so paranoid he seriously believes I wish to stitch him up somehow....he hates me writing this blog and I wish to hell he did not know. He has said things just to shit me up...and he remarked that last week, when he came over to make peace after the fucked up incident, he ensured he scared me first and said that was the first time he had seen me genuinely afraid.......he saw the fear on my face.

I feel I can never love again, not after all this, my ex and everything else, perhaps it is the reason I cling onto him.......it is horrible but I don't think he cares that he frightens me, he thinks I deserve it for being a filthy whore....but then he has not minded the money when he has needed it. God, what can I do? All I need is some love. And believe me, he has shown me love before and genuine affection, I truly believed things were getting better...til something happened in his life I am not allowed to talk about because it does not 'directly concern me'. Well, directly affected me it bloody has. I have sat here while he talks to other women on the phone, actually using my phone at times running my bill up while telling me shut up.......

His mate Jim, who I've mentioned here before, the one who switches all the time and who I have welcomed into my house many times (not again as he tries to stop my man seeing me, has lied about me, despised me after shagging me etc) hates coke whores, he likes 'normal women'. Well, to echoe Charlene's sentiments I hope one day Jim finds a normal woman who lumbers him with ten kids and drives him to ten hour shifts....my ex pressured me about kids non stop, told me that HE wanted children (never mind my feelings) and that a woman like me would not make a good mother....I now freely admit I do not want to be a mother....men do not know what to make of that either. At least they know with me they will have no dependents to support, as I believe I am infertile anyway.

I accept I will always be an outsider. I am beyond ever wanting to be normal and 'repent' because at the end of the day I am past the point of feeling I truly have anything to be sorry for save for being my own worst enemy at times. My only crime (as one very friendly client put it) is that I like my drugs. If men have issues with it - cos of course they don't have the option of selling sex, they must risk jail if they don't earn good money...is it really my fault? These very same men who condemn me while shagging me say themselves they would be whores if they were female....well, then, stop judging me and punishing me.

There are 'coke whores' who do not openly sell sex just go and party weekends and latch onto men with dust on them.....I encountered one once and she hated me on sight because I do openly what she does snidely, lets men bang her in return for a gram while pretending she likes them...and of course someone like me blows her little respectable cover. She nearly kicked my head in for it...that, and the fact of the man I was going out with, how sad to see someone so fucked up willing to knock me to the ground over bags of coke....guess I should feel a bit sad someone has become so empty. Perhaps that was a reminder of where I never want to be...but something must have happened to such a person to make them so empty...but yet seemingly unaware, living in a haze...like many people do. Least I can see what I am....I don't like everything about it but...if I turn totally cold and want no man near me again lest he pays I will be aware of how and why. It might make me a touch ruthless but I will hurt nobody lest he hurts me....I shall just be incapable of ever loving any man ever again. That is why when people say to me find another man etc I say that is the very last thing I want......If I do lose him or decide I can take no more I shall want no man ever again. I will probably be more likely to turn to women.....God knows. There is just only so much one can take....and I have been hurt by so many men, I have been raped, abused, mentally, physically....there are times I sympathise with Aileen Wuornos. I just feel she should have discriminated a bit better judging by the movie....

2 comments:

  1. I had a man once who thought he was "doing me a favor" being my boyfriend. I was so low I believed him. I should have hired a gigelo as my money would have been better spent!

    Just because he knows your work is not his right to your money. You don't need a leach. Friends come without financing need.

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  2. I hate it when you call yourself "cokewhore" or "junkie whore". I really do. granted, yes, you like cocaine, and get paid for fucking, but those are words branded upon people in your line of work and lifestyle by people that wanted nothing more than to talk shit about other humans whose lifestyles they couldn't understand. Not trying to be a dick. I don't even know you, but I love you. It hurts to hear you call yourself crappy labels. You're a fuckin sexual surrogate, and enjoy the champagne of ilicit drugs. It is what it is, and you are what you are, and you're beautiful.

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