Feels like I have very few at times or even none, nobody fucking real....as I am one angry woman now. You who came over the other night....your behaviour has hurt me, could you not see you were contributing to the pain of an already fucked up fragile situation. You say you can't stand cocaine etc, your partner died through overuse....it 'fucks you up'...says she who is drinking herself to death through blackouts - firstly, I said, look at what you drink....I remember what I did last night, do you? Second.....nothing 'fucks you up' - you fuck yourself up and use chemicals to help you do that if so, drugs only 'do to people' what emotional fuckwits like me let them....
But on your part...shit behaviour from a friend. Ok, you were desperate for company, but where we really the right people to be around. I asked politely several times for you to go....even explained the situation in the lounge. I said.....he will go sleep in the lounge if you stay too long, and I do not want him to, I've seen little of him lately......leave me some time alone. Ok you left eventually, but there was me frustrated again while I suffer more coldness while memories of what was real recede into the past and I am so deeply depressed....you with your silence since too. Is it guilt? God knows...all I know is it could have worked had you gone when asked, had you stayed any longer I may well have got crude. Nothing happened thanks to you you had stressed me so I blabbed on, by the time did get into bed he couldn't do anything, then I had to stay awake to get him out of bed....well, hello again coldness, meanness, silence, despair, welcome back. Thanks for reminding me there is no such thing as I true friend...you who rarely come see me but just happen to come over when he is there, after we had spoke on the phone, decided the day after would be best and you freak me by pressing my buzzer anyway, unannounced. If it was all just being drunk, stupid and thoughtless control your drink....I at least remember if I have been a pain or upset someone, been a thoughtless twat. Thanks for ruining my night...and maybe my week soon, as I get more reluctant to shag strangers every day, and what about my income health etc didn't I need some sleep? Don't you know what happens when I fail to earn......I have explained. It is no fucking joke, alone with bloody nothing to take the tears away. Unless you did know.....and did not care. Thank you for showing me.
4 years ago