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Saturday, 3 April 2010

Ups and Downs (Yes, again....expected!)



Well, I have to be grateful that I do not feel so fucked up as I did early week when I was skint....I can't be complacent though as I know small mistakes cost me...

Meanwhile what did I do but fuck up I blew most of my money on gear when I did earn...if anyone understands it numbs the pain and I had been hurting. And even when smashed I analyse things to death...maybe more so than less. Downers stop you thinking about it but not uppers....they don't stop you thinking about it just make you see it in a different light...and it gets to a point when you don't care. But too much and you over analyse especially when alone end up fucked up...The place I was the other night with this latest binge after having none for a few days or so...

But I was excessive even by the standards of people I know.....I ask myself why, I know it won't solve all my issues just gives me temporary respite from what bugs me....and a lot of things bug me I must admit. And besides, that isn't the only reason although it is convenient...perhaps I am also over indulgent. Just like some people over indulge in food because they like eating...well, I have never denied taking drugs simply because I like them, it is just a question of me failing in the self control department and being destructive...

Meanwhile....there is a side that some people who engage in recreational cocaine use may not have seen.....when it is not so much of a party just companionship of misery, competitions on who is the most fucked up....the competition I almost often win with coke fiends, I tend to lose it with smackheads as most of my friends who are heroin users are more fucked up than me.....I used to hang with them more, when I still used that shit on occasion, perhaps because it made me feel better, I was on top of the ant hill, so to speak, still had possessions a place to live etc and had my looks.....Perhaps it all serves me right.

This morning........was pretty sad although the man was making out he was happy, loved himself.....listening to a coked up guy in a bedsit going on about how he once was on top, had everything...until he fucked up with loser dust and then spent the rest of the time telling us he does not have a coke problem just binges once a month or fortnight and the rest of the time what a lovely good straight man he is......

To be fair he does have a tale to tell, and he does do some good things in his job....He is together enough not to be a criminal, to hold down a job etc...but this isn't proof of non addiction, there are addicts who hold down reg jobs, smackheads as well...I knew one heroin addict in London who used to score after work wearing a smart suit...she looked like no junkie!

This guy aint a bad guy seems he is just hurting for some reason...when he gets off his nut he will not stop talking, the conversation being all about him. His ego etc, nobody gets a word in, anyone who has done a lot of coke will know what I am on about.....

He was offending me slightly as he asked if I could bring a friend, a prostitute...I said as long as he paid what they asked...he did not want to and banged on that he is such a stud they should pay him etc in fact better he be a pimp blah blah...joking but with a slight undertone....I said the wrong thing...that he should relax, nobody needed entertaining he need not talk incessantly...he'd already told me I was essentially stupid after making a reference to his former wife with 'four times the intelligence as me' - well assumptions rule. Hey, she aint a whore, right, and I am? Whores are stupid......

I told him off for his assumptions, also for not letting anyone get a word in, he got very defensive and said not to 'fuck with him'...to which I replied I had no intention of upsetting him why not we all be nice I wanted no stupid arguments over essentially nothing, paranoia, mistrust etc....

The thing is he asked me what had I ever done because him and Jason had achieved things, what have I achieved but being a predatory stupid little whore...ok they might have fucked up but they were something once, whereas I have never been anything but a coke whore and judging by my small brains am unlikely to ever be....whereas I responded that he doesn't know me well enough to judge me and somebody who talks over everyone constantly (I have only once seen the man sober, and yes alcohol does it as well as sniff...) is hence unlikely to see under the surface.....so stop judging me when you don't hardly know me.....bloody fucks ups calling each other fuck ups, when you see the difference between having fun and self abuse....if his binge was recreational why the drama, why the need to bang on and prove the point, why the aura of sadness around the man? Perhaps I have my bloody loser dust more often than him...but hey, we can all play this stupid game. Maybe what is regular for me (4 or 5 times a week) is the highlight of this man's stupid little month...so for fucks sake. Stop bloody kidding yourself you are better than me....you aren't. Fuck you.

And I get sick at times of being a dust covered mirror for these guys.....He hated to see Jason fucked up cos he had his own business once...but me I have always been a fuck up so what are the odds...and of course they tell me off for the indulgence of a habit which they encourage when it suits them, and at those times I have let myself be persuaded into doing more, not less, coke....so I feel it is wrong to slam me for what they encourage. True, I make my own decisions. I don't blame anyone else it is my choice whether or not to use...but if people get at me for what they sometimes encourage.....and then demonise for it....whereas if I didn't understsnd....I'd never relate...and not help anyone...I bloody wish nobody knew about this but maybe I should stop and ask a few things...if what I represent is so despicable and somebody wants what is pure then go to what is pure cos it aint been what is pure has been saving your neck but this little dirtbag here...oh hell, why am I writing like this? I can talk to nobody, and I would say more without talking in riddles......but I never would have written about anything not directly concerning me and being made to feel like a lesser human being, a whore as opposed to fucking wives, mothers etc does concern me...it just shows the chances of being ever respected by men are zero and I am beginning to empathise with my friend Fake Plastic Masochist (Infinite Sadness) in her last post... get used, men shag me who hate me at the same time or if there is any affection...well, they know.....thanks for reminding me..

I was tired earlier, limbs aching but I've taken enough drugs to kill the ache almost.....

Funny I've told myself not to fret...got the alcohol quantity right....and had a decent night getting high on my own.....I'll crash eventually cos I stayed up last night...and too late the night before...I'll probably be happier if I followed my instinct more often...pray tomorrow be a good day so I can have fun...I would've done more this weekend had I not fucked up.....I been more positive but...hell, enough said. I don't know, I was forgetting all this shit but it is coming back now and I'm crying again...and of course we all know what my solution to tears is, don't we?

God, wish this had not got to me it is now gone 6am and I forgot about this post and the ghost story I promised will come so will the twelve step article...it is just hard to be objective at times and I have nowherre else to write this stupid bullshit...Nite, or morning xxx

1 comment:

  1. That's ok girl, it was a good post and it's good to 'debrief' as they say. You have a good listener here.
    Looking forward to the 12 step post...

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