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Saturday, 24 April 2010

Tonite

A few points...I looked back at some of my last few posts and will delete a few of them...they make me cringe.

Meanwhile I have a plan. I will earn in the week only or Sunday eve to Thurs, keep the weekends free or give myself a night in the pub on Wednesdays. I did this shit in the beginning because I like to be a social person, if I wished to be a self pitying retreat I'd get some bags of smack and just gouch over a book every night, has been the case in some stages of my life, but not now. That shit put me through hell too, and I never even quite saw heaven with it....at least I can say the good times with this have been worth a bit of darkness....I shall stop complaining about problems that result from drug use, get my act together and stop wallowing in depression and despair.....I just hate loneliness is all. I wish somebody would not deny their was anything mutual about this....a bit like a guy who leaves someone traumatised after a mutual decision for her to have an abortion and says it was 'her choice'. Prolonging this pain for a few extra nights smashed each week aint worth it....I'll have to grin and bear it, then reward myself while keeping some money aside so as to get the hell out of this job as soon as. It hasn't worked. Perhaps if I had been alone, with no attachment to anyone, if a shag to me always felt cold, empty...but it hasn't.

Had I knew this would be the result....I would not have consented to it. Perhaps I should have saw it as a possibility...but it perhaps was not a rational decision, it was a dumb one due to wanting quick money for drugs. I could have more money, more drugs even had I not been an idiot to do that. And please nobody say I am the only idiot, the only 'low life', 'scumbag'....and a sore face on top.

Somebody nearly got stabbed last night by one of his psycho buddies...this guy knows where I live, he has been here.....fortunately I am not alone here at present and I don't want to be...they don't know I am writing this though.....ok so nearly being stabbed by a madman...but I told him that guy was bad news, he would not listen...more to the point I keep saying avoid violent madmen full stop....

Save for being called names I got a punch in the face (from a man who is rarely violent himself), shows what hanging out with those guys does.......verbally he can be a nightmare but only rarely can be physical, today was one of only a couple of incidents......if I want the man to stick around I must be careful what I say...but how careful must I be? To the extent of denying I have feelings so as to focus on his, give him sympathy while it seems he has none for me....if he wants to use this computer this and some of the other posts will be deleted...I don't want to upset him. Please wish me luck tonight....feeling so low that I am thankful anyone around now....and hating the fact that I am starting to look like a caricature, a stereotype, normally my nose only bleeds from what I put up it....I don't want to analyse, make excuses. He hit me, he was wrong, and yes to take it out on me was a cowardly thing to do..but then to be terrorised by some weapon wielding 6ft pyscho.....can't be so great either. It's over....I just hope he has the sense not to see that madman again, cos if this continues the rotten pair of us could come to untimely ends...even at the hands of seperate individuals. He has to learn as much as I've learnt...

2 comments:

  1. What a fucking lowlife,cowardly bottom feeder...ooohh that incenses me when people are physically as well as mentally hurt.
    Darling, I wish you the best of luck as always x

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  2. Thx hon....like I said I love that man to bits...but what the hell he had the nerve to call me a low life like he is any better...when he is a saner and more reasonable mood he knows what he does at times is wrong...sometimes he will come over be nice other times he just withdraws to spare me the grief if he is in a shit mood....

    Truth be told the mental pain hurts more than the physical......and the man can be so absorbed by his own issues he isn't aware...convenient to have a woman like myself as a scapegoat and punchbag I guess. I had one hell of a weekend...and told him it's true that if this is the price of having a man in my life...maybe I am better alone when it is like this...he is probably showing me in a sense that he does care by withdrawing at times rather than subject me to a weekend like that...but then at times I don't know what is worse, the loneliness and coldness of the kindness or cruelty of strangers without the comfort of a man I do love (despite his faults) or facing his abuse....I understand fully now why women in my position are vulnerable to this kind of thing....I had an idea before but I hadn't done this work for a long time...when I had done I was single and a smackhead (which is a solitary drug that decreases both one's sex drive and the need for company...cocaine is not that kind of drug). Hence...why it is more of use in power games re relationships...men more commonly having goods than women...I hate to feel I have let a man reduce me to this...but I can't blame him...I have let him do this......as he is so fond of pointing out..he has some level of compassion remorse etc just wish he would show it more often......and he knows I warned him about that violent jerk, not the first time he has been in scaps and I told him it won't be the last if he continues to associate with him....just sad it gets taken out on me.

    Take care....nice to know somebody is on my side xx

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