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Friday, 23 April 2010


Please, wish me luck for tonite I have to bloody earn no matter how I feel about what I have to do to earn....I just wish somebody would be more forgiving....

I can get through this...I can, I am stronger and I am fighting against letting it consume me...I did a bad job today, forgot to do things as I was so gutted last night, trying to find the right word to text someone who had been silent, which they know is a killer....and my words failed me.....I say sorry for everything, eggshells break easily....this wasn't always like this. Memories of my positive feelings for the future last year....perhaps it still can be. Perhaps one day soon I can go out again and enjoy myself weekends like I used to. I'll see the damn doctor, tell him the stupid pills he gave me last time made me feel worse and not better, and unless I get something that works a person as sick as I feel at present will only continue to risk my life each day to self medicate the way I am and continue this spiral. If it doesn't work I'll climb up eventually....

Is it too late to repair a lot of the damage? I became an embodiment of someone's insecurities. He transfers it all on me and him being self destructive aint enough...I need punishing too. 'I'll be your mirror' is only too true....and leaving me burning up, so to speak.....and the coldness I go through it's little wonder I am willing to sacrifice so much for something that does feel real...I hate to say but at times I feel broken, truly. I don't know if this is what someone wants...if not then don't leave me to it, show your human side and lay off the money thing etc. You weren't up all night in tears over me.......I can do without all this when I have to earn. I've explained, I can't earn easily when I am like this, it is self defeating even for you.......and then say ok if I can't earn simple just don't no more dust it that simple for you no it aint you've had guys threaten you for money you owe for that shit and who has bailed you out......I am no liability not as much as some of the idiots you know...just be nice to me please. God have mercy.

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