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Monday, 26 April 2010

Still Alive...(But not yet Free)

A Norweigan musician (not wonderful guitar playing or anything but ok themes) wrote a song entitled 'cocaine' with the lyrics 'I'm alive but I'm not free...and my conscience is killing me....'. I know what that means.

To let everyone know...I haven't written for a couple of days because the lead for my laptop (which I only fucking replaced a few weeks ago) broke the other night, along with other electrical equipment lately. This has resulted in a loss of potential income ( I could not set my availability on that rotten sleazy little site, I am now writing from a cybercafe...) I took the lead back to the shop, whoever sold it to me had gone home (by the time I managed to get myself out of bed after a rotten weekend, depressed as hell today, nothing achieved). I got into a dispute because whoever it was said he needed a receipt...like hell do they. If I buy something and it is faulty they give me a refund or exchange, I believe that is the damned law....I am not having anyone else bleed me..all this always come down to is money, money...where is the human face of a capitalist world? Nowhere in my life at present...maybe some bleeding heart lib should write a patronising book entitled capitalism with a human face or something like....not that I am political these days or a fan of any 'ism'...all politics are shit end of day. I just get disheartened the way money rules everything...including my personal relationships. Perhaps what I do for a living is the microism of what a capitalist society entails...the purchase of fake affection etc. Coldness. But sadly....I am more aware of this because...it seems the men in my life who I do actually want....

I told him......this job drives me mad. He said 'it brings money in though' with a shrug and I said, you jerk is money worth the sacrifice of my mental emotional health, the love and respect of a man who once said he loved me meant the world to me and still does......how can the greed for money overcome a man so much to the extent he can sacrifice a woman he once claimed to love and says he still cares for....

I had one hell of a weekend....I would not have gone home with him had it not been for me being scared of his psychopathic buddy he had fallen out with...because I am capital in the eyes of some men he knows, a potential loss of income, property etc.....so why would his psycho sick little mate not decide to get at him through me, especially as money is the issue? My man decided to go home from mine, after he had slept in bed all day (after taking things out on me like that......I told him today when he has been more reasonable about the danger of associating with violent psychos...not the first time I have told him...and he agreed wholeheartedly I was right, he cannot always control his little thugs, one day the 'Snow King's' subjects may revolt...and the macho all brawn no brain thugs..sure are...revolting to say the least). I don't want the pair of us to die an untimely death bleeding in some gutter....at the hands of deranged loons. He brought this jerk into my home, other things resulted from the fact I befriended this man's girlfriend....it just makes me ill, all of it....To put himself at risk is one thing....to put me, the woman who has done nothing but love him...is another. I told him this, he felt too guilty and depressed to really consider or open his eyes (as usual) but he still had the cheek to ask me about money.....now don't get me wrong I feel for the man in all he is going through, I know he is not well is mentally ill and disturbed and all...but when will he spare me some compassion?I pleaded with him yesterday, grovelled, humiliated myself told him please I am going through hell due to the work you encouraged me to do for out mutual gain...I want to stop please help me stop, help me out of the bed you helped me make...I am not blaming it all on you, just....you helped me make it is all.

No mercy. All his issues were dumped on me, I have been ill all day due to absorbing them like the emotional sponge I am absorbing the negativity of others as much as the positive, especially if they mean something to me.....like he does and he knows it. Therefore why must he play on it, gain from it how he does...I wonder where is his heart, why must he sacrifice a woman he once (at least) loved or claimed to on the altar of his greed and desperation.....he doesn't know how he hurt me, insulting me for what I do for a living, as I had a bruise on my leg he accused me of shooting up. I was begging with him for some comfort, affection, debased myself like I never have done before, shame on me for letting him do this..... he at first blamed his low sex drive on the fact he no longer finds me attractive look at the wreck I am and he'd rather jerk off.......Then he accused of shooting up cos I had a bruise and said perhaps he values his life, I already hang with people who shoot up...perhaps he does not want me giving him a disease as face it I already shag men for money and I am an 'Iv drug user' besides a prostitute...I just broke down saying I do not shoot up, he knows it I do not lie....why must he be so distrustful? If he truly is this paranoid distrusting a woman who has done nothing but love him......he needs to get a grip...I have already been ill.......to accuse me of all of that...and then blaming it on my work, the work which I did to help us both out which he has made me loathe so because it seems to have turned a man who was once a kind and loving boyfriend into a....I need not say the word.

But to accuse me of doing this I don't do... not only shagging his mates or wanting to do so behind his back, now shooting up.....being dishonest with money, all the things he accuses me of...the man aint well I know that...but he doesn't have to project this on me. He doesn't have to make me plead, beg for mercy, all this has got so sick.....I would not have gone home with him, I know him by now I could see the mood he was in...I was just afraid of his thug who he fell out with showing up and taking things out on his property.......it is under control now but that was uncertain the other night...so I went home with my man to feel safe..and got abuse...he swallowed three valium left me with just one...he slept sound while I woke i bits, did some writing so then to occupy myself cleaned his lounge as well as the kitchen..which he said was the agreement for him letting me stay over...I was greeted that morning by the man who had slept all the previous day in my bed while I took strangers into my lounge for his benefit as much as mine...not by a kiss but by get up you lazy bitch tidy my room you are lazy this is why you never go anywhere in your miserable life...to which I responded abuse does not help me ok I know my faults....he replied that of course but then he had 'tried to help me' he had done me a favour by going out with me in the first place.....this is not the first time he said that but plenty...to which I replied how has that helped me look at me....he replied so fucking what I was a nervous wreck when I met him still am...I said I wanted a man as an equal who I thought truly liked me, not because he thought himself doing me a favour, helping me by some act of mercy going out with me....if that was his attitude I'd have done better without his 'help', so spare me such help I want an equal goddam! His example of trying to help me was encourage me to do my writing...I need no encouragement..ok so he had this ghost writing idea, a life story or several of his mates...and it came to nothing anyway! So...what? I have written before...and I pointed I still am I have this blog to which he sneered what is productive about my 'stupid coke tart blog'....hey hey..what makes him assume what his crim mates have to say to be more importance or of worth than my story and stories, he aint even read all or most of this blog....I said people are interested, some people do follow this...he had nothing left to say, save from when I fell asleep, he likes me better that way as I shut up, awake I do 'his head in' by 'going on, and nagging him to death'...just for expressing the fact that he hurts me, his endless put downs hurt me, his words hurt me.....and then it turns physical, he kept saying if I did not shut the hell up he would shut me up through force.....

This is the only place I have, I am sorry hon. You don't like me talking to anyone, you know I have few friends left....I love you to bits but I can't take this forever, you were maybe right in distancing yourself..perhaps better to be alone and cold than tolerate this level of abuse. Sisters, if there is a man in your life...don't be a sex worker. It will put you at risk from abuse, it is possible to turn any man, however loving he can be...into a brutal p***p. Especially if he has streaks of misogyny and greed, as I knew my man did. I was a fool for agreeing to this work...nay, suggesting it even, he did not force me....stupid me wanting easy money. I shoulda known....it would bring this out in him. Men do have trouble dealing with what I have done for living, even the kindest men. And my man is a good sort really I swear...he is just emotionally immature with greed, mental health issues addiction etc....to sum it up he is a disturbed man and I feel for him, but I have to feel for myself as well at the end of the day, however much I understand him.

I told him that today, that I will not pay ANY price for having a man around. If he associates with violent psychos it is his problem, I warned him against it, pleaded with him not to have anything to do with the jerk who tried threatened to stab him.....please I said. He knows that now, he seemed to understand....as I had texted said I had seriously thought of going away for a little while...and I had. My patience won't last forever, however long suffering I may be....I have been reduced low enough, it took all my strength to pull myself together to do what I had to do today...so spare me. I am as ill as him....I don't use him as a punchbag. Please may he stop taking it out on me...and as I said maybe his withdrawing himself when he feels in a bad state....was showing me kindness. I have now seen the man at what I believe was his worse.....and it hurt me. I let him know that...I just wish it had stopped him from asking me about money....it didn't. Don't let greed take his soul, please. I know he is hard up...but so I am I. He has no idea what I go through to get that money for his cold little pimp heart...and ok he may not directly ask for a cut but he still benefits...help me stop the work that has killed your love for me then, or seemed to. Love is more important to me, love, friendship, affection respect etc. Don't do this to me...one minute say to stop (without support or help to get back on my feet) then the next say to me to go on, and offer me to 'help' my situation....to help me get more work to obtain more money so you will gain, please man sort it out....

Meanwhile I must shoot off soon been here long enough damn my computer! All goes wrong at once and I need to earn....again, I have put off too long......but it is hard for me now. I see what it has done to my life, it is not the work but what is does to my personal life...I never used to hate being a sex worker at first...and on a good week or after a good day...he seems to lighten as well. He only gets like this when nobody is gaining enough...sad I am reduced to paying a man for his affection, warm spirits...but it seems that is all that moves him these days, just sad to feel I have become nothing more than this to him, a money object....and I have let myself become so. Hence the shame I feel, a shame which he is only too prone to encourage...

I shall catch up tomorrow when I can...this post was intended to let you know I am still alive...and I have gone on longer than I intended. You can imagine this will not make him happy...but I am tired of accused of being selfish, never thinking enough of him...when the truth is he occupies my mind all the time......but I cannot win...if I tell him this I am being selfish still and not showing him true compassion because I am thinking of my own needs (I.e wanting him around for affection, company, sex whatever) but not of his genuine ones...I am not being enough of martyr......failing the test. I seriously thought of going away today....to a place where nobody knows where. I texted him to say this, that it was getting so hard, I was agonising what to do etc....cannot believe he still asked me how I did last night re money (it had been shit) but that is how he can be....I am aware. It just breaks my heart when I think of the times when he was not like this....but I have come to the point where I know there is only so much I can take.....and that I have my limits. Perhaps if it does come to that point...perhaps then he may remember. The tragedy is it may be too late then.

Sorry for rambling...will catch up on your blogs tomorrow. And write more of my own, hope I get my stupid pc lead fixed in that stupid shop.....

Wish me luck tonight, catch up soon. I still feel ill.....of course I feel for him, what a nightmare to have your man ring you to hear some mad man in the background threaten to kill him, while he has a weapon, to hear his voice shake in fear while I heard his sicko mate say he'd a kill him, a long sharp blade there....for a dispute over money. Is it any wonder I am a nervous wreck....and I had this man terrorise me before, when I put up his girlfriend as I felt for her. I saw him pull a knife on her, and he threatened me. My man was so deluded he apologised for this psycho then...convinced me or tried to that this jerk had a heart, was a nice man just fucked up etc......you might say that this sounds familiar, perhaps the excuses he makes for his pals (til they turn on him)...on the other hand I like to think I know him better to know he does still have a heart....unlike his former friend and associate who I knew was bad news....I could've done without what happened this weekend, being hit as I was (my face still being sore) and being threatened to be hit again, him saying to me that I and his psycho mate are the same...because we both like cocaine? Give me a fucking break...like Hitler was vegetarian etc, guilt by association....and my bloody man does not like cocaine? He uses more of it than me, when we met I was shocked by the size of his habit....spare me hon. Not all are out to stitch you...yet you trusted that sick man more than you did me. Is it because he is a man? Is your misogyny that deep? I know you are oh so more willing to make allowances for men than women, your harshness on the 'weaker sex' I've heard so much...but I don'r deserve it all, all this projection dumping of your issues. If I must earn how I do make it easier not harder....spare me....please.

Catch up you guys tomorrow, thx for your support in reading, it does keep me going xxxx

2 comments:

  1. If you're paying him for a service and he's not delivering, fire him. If he is delivering, you get to choose when and for how long you expose your heart to him.

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  2. Best of luck sweets, know that I'm with you...

    ReplyDelete