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Sunday, 18 April 2010

S**t, F**k, Curse etc...THIS POST WILL BE DELETED SOON AFTER THE MUTHERFUCKA...

Sees what he has done to the woman he used to love, I can't believe he still does anymore because if he loved me he would not leave me like this, he'd be here as promised. When that delivers this post will have gone as he'd have seen it by then....it will open his eyes which normally don't see beyond his own nose (no pun intended) I wrote him a text Fri night saying I had a feeling the next would be a better day....I should know by now that I jinx myself by saying any such thing and it becomes the opposite.

Pray for me that fate, chance, or whatever runs the universe is kinder to me today, I earnt fuck all yesterday as was rewarded by the withdrawal of not only someone's loving company but all else he had to offer. I spoke to him this morning, he was at a mates off his face while I'd had nothing all night, my night ended in tears walking the street at 1.30 tears streaming down my face waiting for the kindness of a stranger that never arrived. He promised he'd come, I was evasive at first about money then admitted I had none. He said people who owe him money keep letting him down that's why he didn't make it....I said come on I rarely let him down, who else fucking calls when they owe tic but me.....I felt awful last night and all.

He don't get it and I am sick of it. Since the bj incident any time a stranger touches me a little piece of me dies.....and my drugs kill the pain of it, I rarely even have him around to help me through it...and no I don't have the strength left to walk away from him, even if I wanted to. If he hates me writing this shit about him then stop treating me like a piece of dirt and acting like a vicious cold pimp who has no mercy on the 'girl', ho, bitch whatever he once claimed to love and refuses to see her when she has no money....but if he wants to play those games what about the times I have helped him, what of the times I have had money and he still was content to leave me in the arms of strangers......why doesn't he take me seriously would I be of any use to the motherfucker dead in a gutter or in the madhouse......Pray for me that I can stop doing this forever. I want to go back to webcamming but right now I can't do it when I am endlessly crying and in need of instant cash...bring me the cash, make that miracle dude sort his grand out, anything so i can stop this....I don't know if HE will ever respect me again but sorry for turning a man into a pimp...ok so he thought of being one but I made it real....and even if it is money for services the way he is going about this....I told him that what I have to do to get his money is killing me....he had no compassion he said save the drama for Coronation St he just wants his money...I said it is no drama it is real the work is killing me I want out like I said yesterday, the only kind comment he had was that it's got into my head, shame.

I wanna be who I was last year again, not the person you see now. A quivering wreck of a downtrodden whore dependent on a fucking man and what he has....and I am willing to risk my life to obtain both to kill this misery. So motherfucker you want me not to write this where else do I have you ask me not to talk to anyone do you want me to go insane have you forgotten I am a human being what about what your lovely mate his blow job and his head fuck did to me can't you see please please how could you last year you would have come last night whether I had money or not....I waited for you then fell asleep on the bed with my coat and the fire on after crying my eyes out into my cider you promised you would come if I had your fucking money you'd have had it I tried my damdnest to get it I said had you been here I'd have got it easier felt safer and all but no, too much for you you bastard can't you see this is no drama soap opera etc it is real it is my stupid rotten life the hell you have helped me create for myself my little 'ray of light'...and to any self righteous types it aint the drugs killing me it is the fucking men (yes you self righteous BJ recipient I want my fucking money ok you little rapist), if the men hadn't done this to me I wouldn't have the need to get off my nut constantly to erase this misery...Aileen Wuornos RIP. Someone make this stop....I know it is temporary but for the meantime bring me some money so he will come back with something for me.....I can't take it no more, since that horrible night last week I've rarely even had a hug from him...and if he thinks this is oh so funny gives him such an ego trip to reduce a woman to this....it won't be so funny if it costs my life, please let him look at himself. Is it worth the death of a woman who was outgoing last year liked to party last year take her guitar down the beach do you want an image of the smiling person I was then on a fucking tombstone...please please and as for that other shit that has been killing me you have forbidden from even writing about here....I will delete this post after I login and show it when you do show your face here, ok muthafucka?

Sorry guys but I have to let this out, and he has to see what he is doing, that it is no fucking joke, AT LEAST NO FUCKING JOKE TO ME OR DO MY FEELINGS NOT COUNT DOES HE REALLY THINK I AM NO HUMAN BEING......I saw this movie a few years back about a streetwalker, she'd turned cold and hard because she had no choice to be. A man was romantic, said he loved her and all she had his name tattooed as she thought it romantic to be his 'property' (I aint that dumb), then he tired of shagging her but still wanted money (what a surprise) so subjected her to what essentially amounted to bonded labour, slavery, while all he did was drive by in his Mercedes to collect his take.....she had no affection left for the man who had destroyed her faith in love but paid up out of fear. I have been asking God to spare me from that fate, because yes he did threaten me with that once. I just said if that is my fate kill me now, why prolong the pain, but then he can always threaten to leave when I am at my most vulnerable, that works as well, like it aint already bad enough, if ignoring me is the consequence of me having no money...then...

Sisters, if you have a heard that aint hard and cold....don't do the work I do. I have again become a stereotype...doing a job I now hate, is klling me, for the sake of a drug habit and a man. You will end up with some jerk, have backstabbing bitches try steal him off you (see last post, among other) and unwittingly turn him into a pimp. He will lose all respect for you, when once upon a time he was loving and sweet and would see you for no other reason but your company, while he still loved you. Where is the man I fell in love with, I want him back here, today, or my life will be over, at times it already feels over, although you can see I am fighting I cannot bear this forever, accepting what has now become abuse for the compensation of payment so I can have what I so desperately want, He has no car and has been moaning, I'll pay for the bloody car just stop leaving me crying into my pillow each night because you aint here and the only sex I get is that from strangers - which you had the nerve to tell me I 'must enjoy'. Well once I could see myself as a kind of therapist but not now, I die a little each time someone touches me (thanks to the way you've made me feel about, and I feel I am being raped persistenty while at the same time having nobody to snuggle up to - funny the way you were round here when I had been having a good week financially, now the money is shit you have not stayed for nearly two weeks and even deprive me of a chat when you do call round....Two nights you promised to come back, two nights you have let me down after I put myself through unwanted sex to obtain cash I owe you. Can you not see I am breaking, I need some bloody warmth affection else this job drives me mad, I cannot live with this coldness any longer. Truth....I am dying and I don't want to die. Please don't let me die, find your compassion,

Ok, so he says he no longer demands half my money (how generous of him) but that's because he don't have to, and he earns anyway by the giving of goods off me....and the non payment of 50% saves him from 'my drama'. Well if giving 50% is the cost of his compassion, of not being left the wreck I was last night, he can have 50%, in fact all of it for all I care now long as he sorts me out decently ensures I have enough money to live on....it is better than this, anything is.

I'm taking a nap, crying myself to sleep midday when it warm out yet again, and I am still supposed to still see clients if they call? How could he have a good time out with his mates and leave me waiting for him, crying then falling asleep with my coat on while I'd been out trying to get his bloody cash.

RIP 'Precious Heart'. Snow Queen lives on and will....as my once precious heart is becoming as cold as his cold fucking pimp heart. Snow Queen is a survivot, 'precious heart' only keeps getting wounded. He once loved my precious heart but suceeded in killing it. Do you always kill what you love?

2 comments:

  1. i really feel soe for u babe..i always read ur blog..hope u will stay strong k...

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  2. Thx Daph, truth is I don't want feeling sorry for (pity) I like to appear in control but I been losing it lately as you can see, slowly trying to pull my stupid self together if I can find it within....will post later xx

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