Someone spare me this....I cannot take the heartbreak. Sorry, Mary, you didn't mean to be such a cow...you contacted me, I take it back.
I have been awake in bits all night, tears, nose running, partly due to you....it is the principle how could he? It is like the heroin addict friend of mine mentioned, I shouldn't sneer or even look down...ok so nobody gives me tea but I got dissed. It aint the fucking gear it is the principle...if I did not have the games, the stupid work I could deal with...enough with a health scare why I was already crying....where is his heart why has he left me like this sick, ill, in tatters?
Motherfuck...hell.....I aint gonna mend like this, and I aint strong enough to make this alone....someone or something remind of him of the times before he so clearly hated me....if he had any feelings left for me he would be here...but how could he profit from my fucking pain oh God he knows I aint been the same since he brought that guy here how I plead with him I hate that work help me out of it....he once said he thought better of me...well...I REGRET IT NOW IT AINT WORTH THE PAIN OF EACH TIME I GET SOMEONE HERE HAVING TO FANTASISE I AM WITH A MAN WHO ONCE LOVED ME BUT NOW CLEARLY HATES ME FOR 'DEBASING MYSELF' AND HOW, HOW....WHEN I TOLD HIM WHAT I THINK OF HE WAS INSECURE ENOUGH TO THINK I WAS FANTASISING ABOUT SHAGGING HIS MATES NOT HIM...I told him his boys weren't welcome here tonight but to give me that shit.....aint I paid enough for my crimes?
I helped you so much, how could you do this? Is your own wallet your own habit that important? I love you to bits I won't go you already asked me not to write about certain things here that have already made me ill....please don't....do this to someone who loved you and still does.....no, please. I try, I say come walk on the beach with me do something normal.....I swear I gonna write about what has been tearing me apart and as you continue these games leaving me like this unable to do my work...the last post I said I'd delete remains. How could you, how, how...make it up to me, you must have known and I aint dumb...why else was I straight on the phone and why else your silence? Don't. I love you to bits, stop doing this, where is your heart? Sorry but nowhere else to write this...but hey you get a personal letter tomorrow you will know. This is not right....to do this to someone already in pain. Don't act like a brutal vicious...I don't need to say the word. You know, hon. Just do this to someone rotten who asks for it...not to me.
3 years ago