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Friday, 23 April 2010

This Post Soon to be Deleted....

It's rare in the work I do that I find someone who I do click with...but I did meet this guy a few times who I did and who genuinely liked me...why do I get so tearful every time somebody gives me kind words these days? Not that I am not tearful easily.....perhaps it reminds me I am still alive. There is not much I can do til this bad phase passes and it will, I have to remind myself. Nothing bad lasts forever as nothing good does either....as I have learnt too well. Complacency will never be mine again.

Meanwhile, somebody....stop telling me I should get a pet - like that should compensate for a lack of human warmth. Coming especially from you of all people....all I ask is that you be fair, make this life easier not harder, I do what I can for you.....pls ease up I hate having to beg you, debase myself, plead with you to help take my pain away, and I hate the power I have let you have over me. It aint funny. What was a fucked up mistake for me the other night was a gain for you, if it had not been for that I'd have more what I want now....I am a total idiot, stupid. The sun was out today nice day but I was in tears all last night and slept in today, missed the electricity people did not do other things.....I have to keep my chin up, somehow. Pls stop punishing me, I've paid the price for my mistakes and have to live with them each day, not easy to know what I have done and continue....if only you had the foggiest of how much all this hurts......you'd let something give, at least...I'm mad at myself for not having enough to get through tonight and earn....spare me the agony. Pls never again tell me I should look in the mirror and be ashamed of who I am, don't tell me I 'have no self respect' when I do then tell me I ought to despise myself. If you truly hate yourself I feel for you, you know I feel for you anyway, but please don't insist on transferring all this.

If it is some mad power game on your part stop it.....I admit to being sub but I wasn't willing to take it this far....It is despicable I have let this happen, and it hurts me you have fallen so readily into this role...but please don't say I enjoy abuse that I set myself up for ask for it etc. What gets me now is loneliness coldness you know that is punishment enough....just spare me the other worries on top please please go easy......I am ashamed already of it, believe. Don't tell me I am lucky not to be with someone who keeps all of what is good himself and gives me total crap gear charged over the odds...and speak to me like dirt just because you got goods, ok? I get my own goods soon...

There is something I may yet write about...although it is agony for me and I've been asked not to but it is all anon. If it hadn't been killing me, if only.....

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