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Friday, 16 April 2010



I have posted this man's video for satiiical purposes...the thing is, is it meant to be sardonic or is all this meant for real? God knows, plenty of other songs like it.

I'll also add that the stereotype of a pimp being black is not always correct, my 'client' the other night was not. And to make clear I am not another stereotype, my man aint black either.

I should shut up (as this charming dude says on one of his other vids 'shut up bitch, swallow) as certain guys don't like me writing this blog. A lot of them may want to be like those lyrics or think they are - but it's all the macho fantasy of men with inflated egos, that dumb coke fuelled mentality, the misogyny etc...I don't blame the drug, all it does is bring out that natural tendency, not every man I have met who's done a lot of coke is a misognist, a pimp, or both (or has the potential to be or even wants to be one).

I don't paint anyone as they are not - He doesn't really like all that nonsense either, only jokes about it or thinks it gives me some perverse enjoyment - but other than a bit of laughter (at them, not with them) it doesn't, and to be honest it's a bore most of the time. But then....when someone really is abused by men inclined that way the satire fails and it simply becomes tragic - the humour wears off. Meanwhile, I'd better get out, hadn't I? I need to live besides getting high and paying them off...

Something I've thought about, hell I know it's dangerous, even to write about, but I have ideas....I can get back up and perhaps risking jail is preferable to death at the hands of a madman.......and although people say I'd be crap at it I know myself and will have to prove them wrong...I exercise more self control when I feel in control rather than controlled by other people, events etc, it'd buy back some of my feeling of independence, which I've tried by attempting to run the agency thing as a co-op but it aint been happening. So wtf.....some people don't go to jail so I don't have to. Better find out about that grand I was promised by that dude last year for playing my part in a little scam...still waiting for it, and so are other guys!

4 comments:

  1. The one constant human trait is a desire to be in control. Even people who have lived their lives dependent on others or subservient to others, have the dream of being in control of their lives. For me it meant not trying to grasp anything big, but to practice control of my life today. Then, the next day. Then the third day of next week, etc., until those trying to involve me in their drama walked away because they could not control me.

    Anyone victimizing you will leave if they can no longer do that. They will find another person to do that to, just not you.

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  2. That's how I need to take things, one day at a time. I shall write another post in a moment, but it is sad how all this has turned out, whether or not it was always on the cards is another thing.....I don't know, is it because someone finds me hard to control he distances himself, because my limits have been tested? All I hear from him is that I am to blame, he 'tried to help me' but I am a lost cause....And I spell out time and time again I didn't let him into my life because I felt in need of help or rescuing, all I wanted at the time was a guy I could have fun with, I'd just come out of an abusive relationship where the man had nearly destroyed me, mentally and emotionally. I had flashbacks for months, like it had been a bad acid trip or something, my current guy helped me to get over that, and despite our problems even then we were to an extent happy together...I have my feelings how things ended up like this but I hate feeling like this in Spring....when I am depressed in Summer I am just inclined to play that 'Seasons in the Sun' song and bawl my eyes out....

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