Sorry I aint written for some time....Ok it was my fault blowing my money on gear last week, point accepted there. But what is killing me that a fucked up incident occured on Monday that stopped me from working last week....I was essentially raped, not vaginally but orally by a 'client' who assumed I had been paid when I had not been. A man whose name, pseudo or otherwise I will not mention, set me up for this. Sad it took a fucked up incident like that to make him understand what this kind of thing does to me......work minus payment equals rape, and anybody who thinks you cannot rape a whore is mistaken.
I now am back to streetwalking....a fate I thought had gone but thanks to Monday's incident I could not work for a day, I kept seeing that man's face all the time. It was horrible and I am still crying now. Told my man that threats etc don't work...I am no good to him in the madhouse. This motherfucker I was subjected to on Mon started preaching 12 steps on me, abstinence etc while the hypocrite was sniffing coke with me....then said he wanted to see a 'normal girl' he could have fun and connect with, to which I replied he should not come to a hooker then, especially one who has not been paid. Don't ask me why I let this happen.......the truth is the person who wanted to 'help his mate' now feels awful himself for allowing me to be subjected to what amounted to oral rape, and that I am once again having to streetwalk due to the incident. I pray I earn enough to relieve my fucking agony...meanwhile I could have done with a night off all this. He said why don't I play my game, relax, I retorted how can I when he has left me with no money? Ok so I did his gear last night, but who can blame me after such a fucked up event? I said no more will I be passed from man to man like I am empty, a rubber doll, that I don't do what I do cos I am sex mad but cos I want the damned money...the only reason I was 'all over him like a rash' was because I was crying out for some genuine love and affection, not the coldness I get every day that means nothing to me, as I got tired of explaining...it is just sad it took this to make him understand that.
I have a plan...in two months I will stop this work. Not because I hate it all the time...if the clients are nice to me and don't idiotically blame all my problems on drugs (like the one on Monday did - when I was forced to explain it is not the drugs but men like him, I was happy until this work started to fuck up my personal life...but the guy was a twelve stepper. Trying the thirteenth on me was more than he bargained for.....I freely admit I do not want to stop the drugs and that discomforted him, rightly I think). Making out he knows me better than I know myself....at my age I can never slow down, feeding me all that claptrap, daring to lecture me after subjecting me to what amounted to sexual abuse. Ok, he did not know the situation, he was under the mistaken impression I'd been paid when I had not been.
Ask me why I still want to be with the man who allowed this to happen....all I can say is that he is deeply sorry. He won't let it happen again, and he is cured of the notion I am a sex maniac who loves shagging any man for the thrill of it. I am just saddened it took that to make him see, and that it has resulted in me streetwalking again. 'Take the night off, stop working, relax' - what am I expected to do, starve? Bloody mentioning my welfare....which I don't get for another two weeks....it may have been a thoughtless comment but still....it aint him who since Monday has been screaming each morning in despair...ok my binge last week may have been excessive, did not help...but Monday's incident did far more damage, believe me. The jerk asked me 'do I still enjoy sex' - to which I responded how dare he come out with the prejudice that whores are frigid. He also expressed 'surprise' at my intelligence - because of course whores are supposed to be dumb as well as frigid...oh, and ugly as well, he was also surprised I was pretty. Well, I've heard shit like that before from inexperienced clients.........but not to that extreme. I would not have agreed to it had I known that not only would I not be paid but that also I would be left alone all night with him - a man I had nothing in common with, not even paid for tolerating his company (and his cock in my mouth).
Wish me luck for tonight - I told someone I would give him the numberplates of the cars lest I end up bleeding in a gutter somewhere. Thank you Mr motherfucker from Monday - 12 step idiot. I don't think you'd be happy knowing what I am reduced to now thanks to your desire for a shag earier this week........Even if the fucked up situation wasn't entirely your fault I could've done without your 12 step nonsense...my distress was not cos of drugs but being stuck with your company and having your cock in my mouth...how dare you tell me that you felt 'no connection' with me when you normally do with one night stands....I am a prostitute for fucks sake what do you expect? Not only a prostitute but your mates 'bitch' as well for heaven's sake....I was crying cos the man I loved had thoughtlessly left me with you and I wanted him, not you, you bloody idiot, especially when I had not been paid even. I hope you are satisfied I am streetwalking once more, risking my life thanks to having your unwanted companionship - and more fool me for agreeing to it just to keep someone happy - who it took a near breakdown for him to finally get the picture.
Wish me luck for tonight....I will need it, to God I will. I was trying to progress but this has held me back yet again. Thank you jerk.
4 years ago