I have to get a grip, I normally do keep my chin up relatively positive outlook on the mess I'm in....guess we all have our downs. I must think ok no point wallowing it, get a grip as this is the situation just bloody earn so then everyone will be happy failing to earn only makes it worse for me and everyone.....so get a grip you stupid tart......you made your bed now lie on it and be.....well, just lie there and earn, get some guys it is partly my fault the phone is dead. Survival mode now.
Shit......I guess looking at it makes me see. I'll get over this, I swear. Tomorrow I will take a walk in the damn sun try lift my spirits not lie in with the curtains closed feeling how wretched I am.....I'll get through it, I have survived worse.....
Just earn my way out of the immediate problem and all else deal with step by step...I should get something before the weekends up....and if I relax it should get better...then I can work on being myself again, playing my music, going out weekends enjoying myself.....at least I have my writing have this space, eventually I'll be able to write about something else other than this bullshit consuming me right now, this little tragi comic opera. Gotta laugh sometimes it is pathetic.....but still sad. The ability to laugh it does not mean it doesn't hurt me. I put graffiti with a biro on my arms one night...the usual names...whore, slut, bitch etc...this is a bad stage I am not always like this with my work....it has been the attitude of some men I have encountered. Which has made it harder. You gotta be cold to cope with all this to an extent, I have to face if I do this job facing that is a part I must be prepared to....and maybe I am getting too old. No wonder a lot of women (including me in the past) turn to smack to kill the damn pain of it......no fun. Any man who deludes himself we all do this because we are nymphos who just love it....aint got a fucking clue. Women like that are actually few....if I was to probe inside that cheap looking young girl in the sub position she is probably hurting....partly why I don't want to meet her boss....I have a good heart and decent guys who come over see me know that...those who actually want company that is human....the ones who want a 'retard doll to bang up every hole' are the ones I hate, but they cause me pain in a sense.......they clearly despise me but yet pay to shag me. Sad, pathetic creeps. And they think I like it.....only way I can is by dreaming I am with someone else you jerks...the man who gets something from this cos I am lonely like you...and more fucked up it seems that's why I do this.....what a sick parasitic thing that some of these guys get off on...the dom sub types etc. Games are one thing.....but hell.
3 years ago