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Friday, 23 April 2010

Despair...

Hatred...I should not be grovelling. I put that guy off til....midday tomorrow. I can't face it, really, maybe I should get someone pick me up cos of course there is no work...look at me pls it is harder each day...him tell me 'get out of it' like he had nothing to do with the idea..... fuck it I am in bits....and I got nothing tonight cos I couldn't get it, not face it.....

I would not have suggested or agreed to this had I known...I stopped the video chat thing partly because he lived with me at the time and it was 'doing his head in' like this now 'does his head in'..........well, the agreement was I would see nobody alone here he'd be here...the agreement was not I would risk my life strangers here alone...I'd not have done....he has to see, he can't leave me alone in this hell he helped me create....and then makes me emotionally dependent, clingy etc begging to take the pain away....

No, had it not fucked up with a break in things tonight...I would have fucking coped had he been less mean spirited how many times have I helped him fuck it.....good God. This has all gone wrong why I never been the same since that incident the other week...perhaps it exposed something. I can bear the coldness no more...god save me. May someone have mercy, please, please......I can take this no more.

2 comments:

  1. I hope you find that something that puts you back in the right place soon. Yes, that was incredibly vague but it's sincere. Things sound off-kilter and rather than judge or try to point out things I know nothing about I'll just cross my fingers here for a minute and hope you figure it out soon.

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  2. Thank you...I was in a bad way last night as you see. I might well delete this post and a few others in a bit...it makes me a bit shameful to look them...I have got a vague plan together...let's see what comes of it.

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