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Saturday, 17 April 2010

The Depths of Despair...And a Happy Ending?

Despite my self deprecation etc....there is truly a lot of sadness here, as you obviously notice. If only I could place where and when it started going wrong...it was a combination of factors, the arrival of Alex on the scene, when I began doing what I now do for a living (I used to do live webcam chat, though I had actually sold sex before I was not last year when I met him).

I have a plan....I am going to give things two months. I shall deadline it and make a date. I hope that money should come through first......but even if it doesn't I still must make a date. This is the last shot, I don't know if I am clutching at straws, but it is the only way I can think of to save me from a mental and emotional breakdown, heartache, despair, agony. Nobody knows how much it hurts.....somebody said to me the other day something about me 'not being able to tell somone to sod off'. I took offence at this person's choice of language, and perhaps it may well be a question of not wanting to rather than 'not being able to'. I don't see myself as a hapless victim but this person is pretty naive as to the kind of scene I am on, he probably had this underlying prejudice about women like myself all being weak. This anonymous internet friend also thought I was a heroin addict....I get very annoyed when people make that assumption purely because of what I do for a living, the amount of times I get asked by guys on the street could I score for them, I say score what (I know what they are going to ask - yawn) then I have to tell them I don't do it. Crack is another, it's often assumed I must be into that as well, the 'client' I had over the other night was into them and assumed I must be til I put him right. It is not only people with stereotypes but people who take those drugs themselves who assume I must do them, I must be into them.....the truth is I have grown to hate both, I'd not be unhappy never to see either again. This is not to slam anyone who does like them and can keep them under control, but not everyone does or can.......they just bring back too many unhappy memories for me.....The fact the street scene is so associated with them is one reason I don't want to be around it for long, if at all....but the internet is dead so what can I do for the time being? I have to earn, I have to live, and God help me I have to earn tonight! I managed to get something together last night but not enough.

But back to the point.....two months max and I wish to stop selling sex full stop. One reason is that the internet is too unpredictable to be a reliable way of making a living, I am not the kind of person who can cope well with the extremes of earning 2 grand almost in one week and then a measly two hundred the next......I told myself last time I would not do it, then I did blow my money on a good week, and after a bad couple I now have nothing, ten pounds to my name and debt to boot. Don't blame the drugs....I have come accross women who do this work who do not use, and find other ways of spending. One such I know had a booming week, then bought loads of clothes, even hired a limo for herself and her husband, then was skint the following week. Ok, so she didn't stick that money up her nose, but so what? Has she anything to show for what she earned, really, save for a few outfits she will probably rarely even wear? I am bad with money anyway, not being good at planning ahead. I have not totally given up on the internet, but it does not bode well. The indoor market is very intolerant of drug use, although the occasional sniff would be tolerated people who use to the extent I do wouldn't....but how does one know anyway? Nobody advertising there is going to openly admit to being a coke/crack/heroin addict are they? So fuck people and their judgements, and fuck snobbery in the rotten sex trade. There are women who advertise online who look down on streetwalkers, especially streetwalker who use drugs, working on the assumption that they are all disease spreaders willing to engage in bareback sex, and of course feeding the prejudice of clients, one of whom started a thread on the subject with a reference to a woman he had a bad experience with involving a crack pipe and saying 'I don't see why I should pay escort prices for a street girl'. Street 'girl', oh how I love the girl bit. Whores are always 'girls', never women, because in order to sexualise women men have to infantilise them, as young women are a favourite bedroom fantasy. These are the same men who start threads about picking up cheap prostitutes in Thailand, saying how much better value (i.e cheaper) they are than British sex workers, and how all those lovely guys could save their money by taking a trip to Asia - then they wondered why the women who advertise on that site (selling services) get offended!

But before I get back to the guys - ok so it is safer working indoors, yes it is less degrading, and customer by customer it is more expensive - but it is not a reliable income, it is harder than it once was, you have to work harder to earn, sit around all day waiting on clients who may never call or expect you to be ready at ten minutes notice, because they assume you are a brothel. Me, I want to at least try to enjoy the summer. So I will not sit indoors all day waiting for phonecalls that may never come, if I can get home and do it I will, if I can't, fuck it, if it means taking a walk in the evening I will. And pray in a few months all this shit will be over, that I can look at it like a bad dream. Please give me some comfort in the meantime, to stop me feeling the need to binge all the time, so at least I can build up and maintain once more, please. But you girls who advertise on that dumb site, stop thinking you are better than me because you would not even accept clients who see 'street girls', and how you are so frightened of disease - surely now you have heard of lubrication and rubber? Please don't demonise a segment of the industry that because it has more problems, sells more cheaply than you do - don't you think 'street girls' have enough problems without being looked down on by you - who are essentially no different because ultimately you do the same thing - selling sex. It aint a question of what you are - we've established that, we are only talking about prices and where. So fuck you lot as well, if you want to play up to men's stupid prejudice do so, but I won't join in that chorus. Fortunately there are a few exceptions on that site, namely the woman who pointed out it is the clients who are the hypocrites as a lot of them do see 'street girls' just of course don't say that to escorts - I personally have met clients on the street who also purchase sex from the internet. One of them recognised my username from that very site. Ok, so middle class women who get paid a grand a night by rich clients on top of getting free Peruvian flake to snort by these same guys may be wealthier, but inherently there is no difference between them and a street 'crack whore' who will give blowjobs for a ten pound piece of rock. It is a question of wealth and of level. In my view crack use is simply cocaine taken down to it's next level of abuse, a place I want to avoid being. That's why I get sick of being offered it on the streets. Made me laugh once when some smashed out guy referred to failing a drugs test in a methadone clinic, said there was 'crack' in his urine...I said doesn't he know as a long term drug user there is no such chemical as 'crack', 'crack' is just a street name for freebased, washed or cooked cocaine designed for smoking? Lol, and some people imagine that crack is actual purified coke, they truly believe it can't be bashed....earlier thread on that subject.

Back now....If anyone wonders why I am sometimes down on men - is it truly any wonder after what you read about some of the clients and their attitudes to women? I am sick to death of idiots who view women as pieces of meat, no more than sex objects. Such as the prick the other night.....who when I chatted with him on the phone to attempt to make peace after the event the first thing he talked about was wanting to fuck me, and despite my asking of him not to use the term he banged on about 'shagging brasses' and when I mentioned having had problems with my man he put it down to me being a 'brass', all me, nothing to do with men and their attitudes at all...well if it weren't for pricks like you there would perhaps be fewer 'brasses' as you so charmingly put it, so fuck you little pimp (the man who objected to that term because it implies lack of masculinity - according to him. Clearly he aint with it, the term is gangsta, trendy these days) I said if he must call me anything I'd rather he just call me a bitch, because at least that term has been reclaimed to use in a positive sense. I don't mind my man calling me a bitch, truly, because most of the time it is in jest and he knows I can take it.

Most of the clients are decent types, just lonely men in need of female company and an orgasm. What gives all men who purchase sex, and men full stop for that matter, are the one's I spoke of - who wish to visit Thailand to 'save money' on prostitutes, who won't pay 'escort prices' for 'street girls' etc. If anything, the men in my personal life have caused me more emotional pain than the clients - which is one of the main reasons I want to stop, as I shall explain.

But several bad clients in a row do not help....I had not one but THREE timewasters in a row from the internet..the first simply did not turn up, the second came in and bottled out after taking out his wallet, and the third booked an 11pm appointment last night which had I known he was not to show up I would've gone back out before my man came over. As it happened I waited for this twat so had less money than he expected. I went to the offlicence, told him I would try and get a client on the way back, and a few moments after I came back he had a call and had to leave. He told me he was coming back but he didn't, when I called asking where he was I said I thought he was coming back....he knows how badly I miss him, need him right now...

On one of my comments it was advised that I regain some control and stop seeing him....I suppose if I truly wanted to I could, but on a level I don't, I do still care for him, I do still have feelings....and they were not always this one sided.
What I do for a living has made the situation worse, or contributed to how it is - when money was tight it is true I did suggest it, as he was thinking of starting an agency but he did not want me working then, as I felt I was 'better than that'. Now he says he is saddened I don't fulfil my potential, I can do so more....I know this too. I want to have the chance to try though, and when I was supporting him when there was a draught this January I had no chance, I was paying him back credit while supporting him on top, leaving me with nearly a tenner left for essential items like food seeing as we had no drugs around. When they did come I paid for them, until he slowly got his shit together and nanaged to obtain his own gear again. He is no longer into the escort agency idea as having me so close while doing that work has put him off it, so does what I tell him about some of the guys.

I can give myself the chance to try, I will get the video chat up and running, and the phone chat. Those timewasters yesterday were listed on the site as bad clients who either did not show up or bottled out. The one who bottled out with me did so after removing his wallet, with the other woman he only got as far as the door - so maybe next time he books he may just go through with it! Some do bottle out for various reasons, fairplay, I just wished he had the decency to have compensated me for my wasted time. And what did not help was having my man on the phone who said 'I probaby made him uncomfortable by talking too much', to which I said it was no such thing, it was already a wind up as it was, so please. I was then told not to stress, just take a 'chill pill) which he knows I am lacking - while he has a few, and that he didn't want to be involved in the microcisms of my 'seedy little world' - sure, as if I did in his with his boys and all but I had no choice then, and that was the reason why he removed himself from it and stopped wanting half my earnings as it was not worth the headache. As if his boys have been worth my headache...

But back to the point...if it is not worth the headache for him - it is not worth the emotional cost on me. I can handle the work and the clients on a good day - what I cannot stomach is the timewasters, the idiot pimp from the other night texting me asking 'how much for oral without' according to him that would mean cumming in my mouth - no chance - I only let one man do that, and another from the brother of the woman who robbed my pills that time. First he said he wanted to take me for a drink, not shag me, to which I replied I was not up for it, that I had a man already etc. His next text was 'how much is it for a blow job' how quickly the mask slipped.

It is men with attitudes like that who annoy me, make my job harder than it has to be. But it is not only that. The most important thing is the man in my own life...it has lost much of his respect for me, along with compassion. I would not say he is a user, but he is prone to taking people and things for granted. He has fallen into the trap of seeing me as either a sex or money object....and God damn me for allowing this to happen to me. The only solution is to stop what I am doing, not because I hate the work but because it is costing me my personal life, if it has not done already. If there is any chance of repairing it stopping that kind of work must be part of the package. It is clear he just cannot handle it. You may say it should not be a question of whether or not he can handle but whether I can - the answer is that I could were I to have a partner who was supportive and understanding, would give me something more real than casual sex with stangers more often. He does not understand, and has too many of his own head problems to cope with mine over this job - hence why he stopped asking me to pay him. After the BJ incident one of his justifications for passing me to his mate as a favour was that I'd had a good week prior to that and he got 'nothing out of it'. I said that I would rather pay him rather than go through anything like that ever again, throwing panic attacks in front of a stranger because he had my keys, which I'd given to ensure he would come back and not leave me alone all night with that man. He knew that and said it was manipulation. I said no such thing - I was honest about why I gave him the keys. He said he wouldn't have left me alone with the jerk did he think he would hurt me...I said I didn't care that was not the point. Emotionally, mentally I said he had hurt me and obtained a sexual favour from me under false pretences. I will speak to him later and ask for the email of this guy so I can demand payment...seeing as he did not compensate me for it.

What I do has caused him to view me as a sex object he can pass back and forth, he even made jokes about selling me permanently to other men. Along with this, he goes off for weeks, comes back for a day or two, maybe three, then I only ever see him on flighting visits. I cannot do this bloody work single, that I do know. In order to be able to have cold sex with strangers for money I need the compensation of something real, someone who I can actually cuddle up to in bed, someone who does make me orgasm, someone I go with because I actually fancy or love, not for his money. This is what he was too dim to understand at times, despite my persistence in explaining. When I wanted sex with him and he was tired or could not be bothered he would ask me for why, I can always get sex, why didn't just a cuddle surfice and all. I explained why a million times, that sex with a stranger in return for money is miles away from sex with a partner, especially as I am a woman, sex with clients is nothing but work. I would then get interrogated about how it felt, did I get any enjoyment at all from it (I must get some) and also the assumption that I am a sex maniac, because while I am a prostitute why else would I be 'all over him like a rash?' I then pleaded with him to understand for the final time....the fact I desire to have sex with some men does not mean I desire to have sex with all. I do what I do to get by, not because I actually want to shag loads of men....but he assumed that still, I must get enjoyment out of it. I had to say that if there is ever any enjoyment it is not of that kind. Why else then, when he has sex with me do I not want him to stop, but I want them out as soon as possible.

I used to do webcamming, which ended up doing his head in. He wishes now I'd stuck to it as I do. Although I had suggested it once when we were short, he didn't want me to then. When he came over to the idea, I pleaded that I would not do it if it affected our relationship or gave him any upset. I said we had to talk about it, to which he said to simply do what had to be done. Some point after this started I noticed his attitude around me begin to change, and this co-incided with him hanging out with the misogynistic semi psychopathic Alex. Alex comes out of jail next week, a fact that is terrifying me already. If Jason wants to frighten me all he has to do is mention that man's name, who terrorised not only his ex girlfriend Mary but also myself in my apartment when I put her up there (Alex having caused her eviction in the first place). I am going to plead with him, for his own good, to keep Alex at a distance as not only is he a liability he seems to bring bad karma with him.

And I will stress to him my intention of stopping this work, saying from my heart that I cannot do it anymore. Some twats on the camera used to tell me I would 'make a lot of money escorting' to which I replied I knew but had a boyfriend who did not like it - to which one of them insensitively replied 'fuck him off then'. Another man told him to shut up and had I known how to have booted him out the room I would have done. There are women I know who do this work and hide it from their partners - me, I could never do that and can never. I could not live a double life like that and be so emotionally dishonest, the whole relationship would be based on a lie. It is rare to find men who would be willing to cope with having a partner who did such work in the first place, unless he is of course a pimp. This is why women resort to paying pimps, it is not only for protection but also emotional comfort, emotional security as much as physical. Essentially, they do what their own clients do - end up paying for affection that whilst it may not be totally fake is still based around a financial agreement. My man - I did not enter the relationship with the intention of making him into a pimp, he may have had his own ideas of being one, but then he had many business ideas, most of which came to nothing. But whatever the case was, he admitted that the thought of me being earning potential did cross his mind but he decided not to do that because he liked me and thought better of me. He tells me I asked him once if he would 'look after me' were I to do that - I couldn't remember.

It has all been too much for him, he has hated to see himself fail to maintain (something he always used to brag he could do, unlike others around him, me included) but the truth is he has never been able to maintain his habit, he has been in debt since I have known him. Perhaps relying on nothing else but the earnings of myself when I was streetwalking showed him he could not maintain. So his choice was not to look inward but project it outwardly - onto me. The macho pimp thing was one way of coping with all that, as not being in a position to support himself financially did make him feel less of a man Ever since then all his issues etc have been shaken off onto me, and I bear the cost, I pay the price for everything that goes wrong in his life, because I am an easy target for him to do that to, use me as his mirror. I have noticed the attitude of his friends towards me worsen as well. This did not begin the day I started doing that, but not really that long after, and it just went from bad to worse. He broke with me for a while....I wanted him back, on any terms, because I could not face that lonely, cold life alone. I said if he needed money I'd give it, and while he doesn't ask for any percentage off me it is me he tends to turn to if he is in the shit and I have had a good week. He can rarely afford to do the same for me now.

So I will tell him I am not giving up on him, despite the pain, just tell him not to give up on me, seeing as he so clearly hates what I have come to represent I shall cease to represent it and start again - and then I will be in a better position to help not only myself but him as well, I must make him see this. It is the only way I can see, the only thing I can do that may possibly put the relationship to rights. Otherwise it is doomed for sure. Now I have put this into writing I feel more positive. I hope he does see some of this - and does look at his own part in this, because so far it has all been my fault, I set myself up for all of it, I wanted to do the work, I wanted a pimp etc. Did I hell, I simply needed the money and I admit I cannot do that work on my own, single. Women who are strong enough emotionally to do so - good luck to you. I am not - without someone to be there for me when work is over I cannot do it, it is too much of a cold, lonely life. That is why I cry for him when he is not there. For, as he put it, there are men out there who are true predators, who would take everything. So if I wanted to stay in this work my only option would be to find another man who would be willing to 'look after me' as I cannot do it single. And right now I feel it is better the devil I know (whom I still love and feel for after all). Perhaps I can not do that work and not have to face the loneliness of being totally single either. Things can be how they used to be, and there won't be this constant need to binge. I can get out enjoy the summer (maybe sometimes with him, sometimes without, enjoy simple things and party weekends and maybe once or twice a week if I can afford, but I won't be greedy. I can focus more on the things I enjoy like music and writing, read a bit more on a quier night. He likes to read as well when he is calm. This is the kind of ending I would like to see.

3 comments:

  1. It's a rock and a hard place my friend, but that is stating the bleeding obvious.
    That said though, I reckon you have the bottle to actually pull this off and get back to what YOU want to do.
    I know it's hard, but make that date and work towards it. And, know that you can achieve it!
    You are a talented, intelligent, beautiful and wise woman and wishing you the best of luck kind of demeans the whole thing, implying that it may fail.
    Let's just say my thoughts will be with you and my support unerring.

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  2. I appreciate that...nice to have a few people on my side. The truth is that I can't survive forever on the 'kindness of strangers'....God help me. There is more to life than crying into my pillow each night....I won't be in this same place two months time. I swear, I am sick of it, truly xx

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  3. As i said, I'm right behind you mate x

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