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Monday, 12 April 2010

Confusion and Doubt

In this world nobody trusts each other. People who live on the edge sometimes take the dog eat dog logic of capitalism to it's conclusion and end up mistrusting each other while only ready to stitch up one another at the earliest opportunity. This is very common with drug addicts, whatever the drug of choice is.....I've heard so many complaints about who owes who money, had ripped each other off etc, and then I get drawn in myself and absorb the poison.....it is hard to know who your true friends are if you hang out with druggies. Cokeheads somehow think they are better than smackheads in this respect because they are not so obviously sick and usually hold it together slightly better, at least appear and act more normal...ok, those who smoke crack cocaine will rob off their friends like many smackheads with no principles...it is quite unusual for people who sniff coke to openly rob off each other but fight over money, scam each other etc they will...and then the whole thing gets nasty when money is owed violence ensues because of the high cost of the drug etc....hearing men talking about kicking each others heads on or even killing each other has been a too regular occurence here. What I notice about the worst traits of some users, those who give all a bad name is the meaness of it, the hypocrisy, being so polite to ones face while slamming each other behind each other's backs...but when it gets to the point of falling out with someone a cocaine addict will be openly aggressive, either say what the hell they think of you in no uncertain terms or kick you to the ground....heroin addicts won't be bothered they'll just be passive aggressive and get a rise out of you in other ways......I am of course generalising a bit here but I am just going by what I have noticed....crack addicts tend to be the most ruthless, as you'd expect. But as I mentioned in an earlier post, there was one heroin addict friend I fell out with who ended living for nothing but her next fix....she loved heroin in a way that I never had, despite my use of it and even addiction to it for a while.....simply she loved heroin the way I love cocaine. The two don't always mix....but I hope to God I have not become bitter....I try to live for more than drugs.....when I am happier I take pleasure in the simple things.....how nice it is to take pleasure like that, do normal things like walk on the beach etc.....I can do it when something aint troubling the hell out of me, if the pain aint tearing away...and the only way to feel better is to use a chemical. If the chemical is expensive you must find the money, so your life does end up revolving around it to some extent.....I have heard people say their lives don't revolve around drugs who are clearly deluding themselves, if they are not using they are doing something to obtain the means to use or to pay off debts through too much use......

But back to my friend who I wrote the open letter to a few months back....her whinings about the violence of cokeheads and the pacifism of smackheads was self fufilling, her and her passive aggression. Desperate to get a rise out of me for months because I no longer wished to get smacked out with her....and she suceeded. I did end up screaming down the phone and threatened her with violence...rare for me but she was pushing me to it...I won't go into details but there you have it.

The truth is I am in a difficult place, there are only a few people left who I can say for sure are my friends...Mary is one, who I ironically met through Alex the psycho, but there are others who I know never were really.....I am having serious doubts about the straight friend of mine who blew his dad's inheritance, was generous with it at the time, yet still owns properties etc, still has investments, yet was staying at mine almost rent free in exchange for paying bills in advance to help me with the deposit........he knows I was in trouble, he knows I was streetwalking, but the fact he knows I'm a drug addict means he had no sympathy, cos HE had never used etc...well, he aint me, and were I him I probably would cos he is such an obvious neurotic wreck.....he would probably be better did he use. Ok, I see why he might be a bit pissed off that I owe him money, but still.....I feel bad already for my fuck ups....but when my friends all go when I need them most....and then I get fuckwit men tell me it is because I am a horrible, insufferable person....motherfuckers.

I don't know.....I feel bad cos of a lot of what I wrote yesterday...it did not make somone look good. But if he cannot trust me (as he admits) how can he expect me to trust him 100%? But it seems he does.....he said he behaved like that because I hurt him....I didn't mean to, I was hurt myself because of that fucked up situation last week and other things.....I don't know why he felt the need to scare me....and I don't know how some men can be so nice sometimes yet terrifying the next....a man loves you one day then hates and wants to kill you the next....maybe emotions go to extremes...as a very sick song put it once (a Carole King/Phil Spector song covered by Courtney Love) 'if he didn't care for me...I woulda never made him mad....' but how much truth that has in it I don't know....and what I want him to know is that I don't paint him into anything he is not, I don't go painting nice man as monsters, I don't say he is an evil man at heart cos I wouldn't continue having anything to do with him did I truly think....there are times I fear he paints me blacker than I am....it is not me who has suspected him of all number of things he hasn't done...I don't know what he wants. I don't know what to do if one moment a guy seems indifferent then the next minute is jealous and insecure etc.......and there has been mutual mistrust over money etc...the involvement of drugs in any relationship can cause tension...his reason at times for being mean at times is because he fears being hurt....and a lot of it is to do with the scene he is into....I saw him briefly this morning but not since because he said something happened with his phone....why all this gets to me so I don't know, but I wish he knew how events recently have hurt me, and how my pain is as real as anyone elses, any 'normal' person. I say nothing that is not true....and I have my faults but this is not about dishing out blame, rather just wanting to be heard. If people complain I don't listen but tend to talk...perhaps it's because I feel I don't get heard on some level......this space is the only place I have to vent it and I know he doesn't like it, I wish to hell he had not told that bloody Jim of it's existence....meanwhile he thought I had actually named all the men I've spoken of here, linked it to my facebook account, real name etc...shit I aint that dumb. This is anonymous and will remain so, as far as anyone knows I am just 'Snow Queen' here, nobody knows who I am or who the men are....

Meanwhile Mary was supposed to come over tonight, relying on the kindness of strangers has not gone well for her, she had a bad episode with a strange man she met the other night.....she didn't turn up because she got talking to someone in the takeaway, I could tell she'd had a few drinks....I hope she hasn't got into any more trouble. I know she is hurting and I believe her when she says she does not enjoy the drama of all of it....but at times she can be her own worst enemy like I can, getting herself into such situations to begin with....Alex, of course, being the most extreme example. As far as Jason goes....it is not so much him (although he is far from the easiest person in the world to fathom out, only rarely does he let down his guard and I see he is a nice person really) but the world he associates in. I wasn't a part of that world before, and people who live normal lives, do a bit of coke weekends etc probably know very little about that little underworld. There are men I don't want to fuck with, literally or metaphorically. I just want this nagging fear to stop, this worry and everything....all I want is to earn enough so I can relax and pay my debts as well as enjoy myself and stop this emotional grief, I need to resolve it and if he stops caring I'll have to learn to cope alone....I can get out again and hang out as I used to, have fun.....but....I won't deny I miss him. It hurt me when he said about that idiot Monday, that when he met me he had been starved of female affection, that his mate was so he thought he would do that guy a favour by bringing him here....where did my feelings come into it? Am I just an object to be used by any man who feels starved of female affection, sex, whatever? Can't he see that I let him in because I liked him, that I don't let men in because I feel sorry for them if they are lonely....if they want me to take on that role then they pay me, simple. That guy did not pay me. Ok, I do have sympathy for lonely men....just like I am sure a nurse or a therapist has sympathy for the physically or mentally ill.....but do they work without payment? We all need to live...and I am no more a charity than anyone else. I get sick of it, when I used to webcam I had men try to scam me for freebies, and some were so pathetic that they would actually beg me to strip off for them on camera so they could jerk off.......without paying me. Like men who are sex pests and won't take no for an answer, just like some sad clients I have seen who debase themselves....there are sad sick men. I may have a high level of patience with them (I have to in order to do my job ) but it is not limitless. There are times when it gets to me....and last week was one such occasion.

2 comments:

  1. The "friend" whose name I do not know, who put you in the situation with the self-righteous BJ recipient, was treating you like a party prize; a way to give the guy some fake affection. What the hell is he doing treating a friend like a public utility? Sheesh!

    I don't believe anyone lives a "normal" life. People want to think they do but if you were to be privy to everything that's going on and even through their mind; you wouldn't say their life is normal. So, don't wiah for that.

    You know what you want; peace, the ability to enjoy yourself on your own terms. I think everyone wants this. Since you know what you want you are in charge of getting what you want. This means you are in control and must maintain control. The responsibility if yours. The reward is yours. Do not give power to anyone over these important things. Do not accept the drama of other people's lives. As you are responsible for yourself, they are of themselves.

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  2. That's just what I thought...I felt like I was an object, he was trying to 'do his friend a favour' but where were my feelings as a human being? That was what hurt, and it took a lot of trauma to make him see that...stupid man he can be at times. I a more than a normal 'friend' so to speak but not a 'girlfriend' as that implies commit which he does not want, although he did refer to me as that once...it's all so fucked up. But then as you say...if he has his trouble it's his drama, I just still have feelings for him, wished he had more for me or at least thought and showed them more...

    Exactly....What is normal? I sometimes come accross people who think they are and are by some standards but get to know them...what I despise is hypocrisy, and I don't wish for that kind of normality, that others have wanted for me, no. That aint what I mean, I have tried it and it's shallow as hell, although you find few friends among drug addicts.......a few of my friends who were 'normal' have fucked off and don't give a shit......more worried about their properties, inheritences and all that materialistic middle class crap...fuck that life and anyone who wants me to be a part of that...see my backdated posts on that issue!

    Thx for reading this...but that is what I want...Peace (I don't enjoy drama as he thinks) and yes the ability to enjoy myself etc on my terms...I know I should not give anyone else power over this, I don't know what it is...I just have to get through this and take responsibility....I know when I am happier I feel less need to do the drugs to kill pain so don't need them so often, can actually use them to enjoy myself rather than escape...

    Partly what winds me up about the 12 step abstience religious idiots with their one size fits all thing, scaring people into enforced abstience, I know plenty of people who have had drink problems and are able now to enjoy drinking socially, likewise people with drugs.....perhaps if some people have that little willpower and religion is the only thing that can stop them bingeing out of control so let them use it...but I just wish they'd stop ramming it down other peoples throats who don't want it. But at times that is religion for you.....a substitute drug, compulsive for some people...

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