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Thursday, 22 April 2010

Bitch, Meow (The Kindness of Strangers)

Gotta get this off my chest...unlikely you read this...but you stupid bitch Mary, how could you? Take your desperation for male company and male approval elsewhere, if you are so desperate for it...and if as you said you aren't interested in mine what was all that shit about the other night? Really, why be all over him (in my fucking bedroom of all places) you who stood me up left me worried about you...you who were in bits saying you had fell out with a strange man you met who threw a beer glass at you...then stood me up for a man you met in the.....kebab shop! If you really are sick of male violence, despair, why seek it out? It is a sickness we have in common, but you knew you would make me upset. It is not that he is interested in you....but the fact you tried to make him so. Ok you go on about Jim...who is a cunt to me (and yes despises me after shagging me) how nice he is to you he clearly likes you...shame he was not around the other night. But hey Alex is free now....you admitted to my man that there is 'something in you' that feels drawn there....whatever. I appreciated you being here when I was close to a breakdown...but why you had to say those things to him, which you knew could have got me in deep shit, made references to my big mouth, you who have claimed one minute to be terrified of men, you can be such a drama queen then run back there. You said to me (looking around my messy room) don't let 'a man' referring to the one present do this to you....it is not 'a man' who has done this to me....rather men in the plural if anything. And of course the chemical enhancement damn....but then you went along to say you don't need chemicals men alone suffice...while looking at him, adressing it to him......why was I made to feel like an unwelcome dirtbag in my own bedroom? I have been here before but I did not expect this shit from you, Mary, these stupid games I thought you were my friend. Believe me, there is more to this than a man....it just hurts me that our friendship was not more important to you...than this. You know how I hurt already, you even said to him that I love him more than 'he can understand or imagine' etc, and yes you know I missed him, you knew I had had nothing real since the unwanted BJ and I needed to, as I explained in the lounge please don't stay too long he said he'll sleep on the couch if you do...then mentioning your late partners sicknesses perversions in the fall knowledge you were talking to someone with similiar problems. I got crude by saying 'do you want a threesome or something', and 'thanks, you probably exhausted him by your blabbering'....it is clear you can't handle your drink and you clearly can't handle coke either....endlessly saying sorry sorry for outstaying your welcome to the point when I said stop saying sorry....just...gooooo!

I haven't said too much to him about this as to him it would look like a stupid soap opera...no wonder they are shows for bored housewives, female viewing. I just don't want bitchiness in my life, probably why I have few female friends. The equilibrium here is delicate...if you so much love the kindness of strangers...whereas I don't, I only go with them if there is something concrete, but it seems you like to anyway...or maybe if they have a few drinks as that is what you do.....you do go out with no money then get men to buy you alcohol...it takes a bit more than that for me. I don't like getting drunk even... but if male attention is what you seek do you want my bloody job? Then rely on the kindness of strangers as at times I have to...just do me one favour, why was it impossible for you to bloody keep away from my man? You hadn't seen me for a while, that time you called me before meeting the guy in the takeaway I actually could've done with some company....if you had not met him you would've come....but clearly he was more important. But still you rang me 5am saying you were scared because you had weird phone calls, might it be Alex etc.

Jesus Christ on a damned crutch....you who say you do not like drama...gets to the point when I must agree with somebody that you do to an extent, you do thrive on it...I've seen it, I've thought he may be right.....why do you want my wretched life, why the big interest....if you don't want him as you insist you don't, please if you are only gonna hinder me and make it worse....you saw me nearly start crying as I walked into the lounge...perhaps like a spoilt kid who was having her candies taking away....but just don't go there. As you are a friend (or I thought you were) I could not tell you to fuck off....I just had to make it clear I was not happy. You accused me of a few nasty things, some rotten jealousy involving not you but another woman, raising this shit because you wanted to be his friend etc..and you know where my buttons are. When I did get upset you said 'stop being self obsessed', it aint all about me for once...but guess who it was about. That's right, him as usual. I'm not so convinced it was all about him, more to get at me...or maybe part of it was your desperation for male company, maybe it was tied in with seeing your late partner in him....God knows. I cannot analyse this forever..but you have done me wrong. I told you how I felt, what happened to me the other week felt like rape etc.....ok so certain things were said, my man is just so screwed up right now he seriously did not mean to hurt me, he just fell into that role that night because of the situation....in many men those underlying issues re mistrust of women etc are there.....do what I do for a living and it will be multiplied....so have my job if all this excites you. Bloody ache like I ache burn like I burn...then you will understand. Til that day....please just stay away from him, ok? I have precious little, you at least have your family....I haven't got kids or grandkids, so don't try to take what little I do have...please if you can't be real just keep away let me deal with things alone if I must...but then seeing as everyone else has gone he will be all I do have left...just don't make it worse. If this is what my friends do to me, getting deliberate gratification..'oh I'm lonely tonight bored know what I'll do I'll just go wind up Snow Queen make out I want to steal her man fuck with her head'....to say in front of him how you hate mind games you'd rather a man 'just hit you'...to which I somewhat agreed it does hurt more...I think you mentioned that after the tale of the fucked up couple I told you of the sex worker with the sex addict hubby...then saying things you knew could cause a row...did you want to see us argue did you want him to hit me? He didn't flip, but you know he has a temper...and you knew full well even if he didn't express it in front of you...ok so he would not hit me but you know what he can be capable of saying in temper....Perhaps I should be glad. Just why should I be thankful things did not end like that, why did you have to steal all my chances of a peaceful chilled evening for once, without any strange men with just him? Now my work is yet harder...thank you for giving me another fuck up, and yes your silence since then speaks volumes, even after I sent you a nice text to make peace. I had told you how the work had been killing me, how it had affected me and him so....you knew things were sensitive why oh why did you have to rub it in?

God knows, all I do know is that I can't analyse everyone...just I am tired of feeling so alone and this has got to stop.....I should never have started this...I could have borne it if single but it wrecking me personally like this....more than I can take. Whatever is up there does not like me and won't keep these snakes away I just want them all to go...I'd rather have nobody than friends like this....who get off on watching me cry, encouraging men to abuse me when they can't find men to abuse them.....I know you are fucked up, God forbid, but it aint my fault none of your problems are.....

Meanwhile somebody's boys are not welcome here with him. They can keep the fuck out....if he 'cannot handle' me tonight when I found a nasty thing on my side that could be fucking cancer........and he still worries about his fucking money, that his how twisted he has become, never mind a woman he once said he loved could be dead soon, who his sickness for more cash to support his fucking habit is driving to an early grave.....well Mary you sure are sick indeed if this is truly what you get off on. But pray I will be ok...I don't want to die. Does the man still have a soul would find out sooner if...

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