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Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Another Day and Another Fucking Dollar......

I saw the personal site of the girl who does the parties below....saw a customer who knows her from the gym....evidently she is a bit of a parody of a midmarket whore...fake boobs and everything, appears independent......not sure anyone knows about her man and that the sites are connected.....she is young perhaps he persuaded her to get her fake boobs as they'd make more cash....who knows.....

On some level I feel hypocrital slagging off pimps as I let men to it to me to some extent.......it is just so sad...does money truly change everything. If anyone wants to do as I do they can earn.....you just have to be pretty self reliant if you don't wish to fuck up. Those who have weakness will attract abuse as most men would feel uncomfy with it, who could blame them? In fact I am a hypocrite when the chances are.....did he get more out of things than I did today..depends how much you measure. I don't want to say I am better as I would make myself over for no man nor money, I like to seem and feel independent. One reason I have always refused to pay an agency if I must do this shit I market myself....the dude I spoke of said he invested over a few grand to get his business off level...and how does someone save and invest lest they have money to begin with? His accent maybe gave it away.....not all men have that background. That man perhaps is respectable on some level, god knows....whereas some low rent junkie who sponged off street women with habits is a scumbag...the guy I said earlier said he would judge any man negatively for being with me and tolerating it feeling fine....on one hand someone would be cold if they 'felt fine' but on the other I don't want contempt, abuse, disrespect...or being alone and lacking anything genuine.

It feels too late in some ways to turn back the clock.......on some level it upsets, hurts, how mean someone can be who once claimed to love me.....still undecided on the last post after I phoned having money and he spoke to me like dirt anyway....guess it was how I was getting it....still how else does he expect right this minute....I feel a bit sick, don't want to get sick. But then I should not self consciously starve myself. I got a wee bit hungry but decided against cooking for myself and there were no ready meals and anyway I was too sad to be that bothered...maybe later. There was no later as I ended staying out all night and forgot about food....pretty rough after the other day, slept 12 hours after no sleep. Somebody had court and I stayed awake to make sure he got up...he had court for a driving offence plus a new job.....Mary came round and fucked things up too.

Dunno what it is with her...but she can be a sucker for punishment. Maybe she feels bad but she has been silent since the other night and that likewise does my head in....Her former partner died much due to mental health problems, the same addictions described here.....why come spend the anniversary of that event with people like us? Did she really want to be surrounded by a couple with the same sickness who have problems anyway? Not that he is here often....and I explained to her in the lounge that I don't see much of him these days (she gathers that it is not always he can even get it up......and I explained how my work frustrates me. I go with strange men I don't really want....while him I do can't perform often). She still stayed too long and made references to shagging along with sensitive issues and she knows what those guys are like...when I asked her did she want a threesome. She said I should know she aint like that...well, my room, I had a man there! If she wanted a chat...there was the next day. She hadn't seen me for a little while...so why the night when you know who was here? Was it on purpose? Now things feel fucked again...it is crucial not to disturb my fragile balance, one thing out of joint and all can spiral.

I think about things too much...but what I do has fucked things up. It was about the time I started doing this dumb work that he stopped referring to me on any level that implied attachment, commitment etc...he says he felt dissapointed in me, felt I was better, wanted better for me. Ok so he didn't like the idea at first....but one could argue if he watches my spiral and encourages and benefits from it....who is he to criticise? I am confused as hell...once I used to ask him for gear and he would discourage it slightly, felt he was doing me no favour etc......he doesn't say that anymore but hell if I mean nothing why make me feel like a pathetic stupid slave...but I do it to myself......Cos I hate feeling dependent like a sad slave...and I hate the slave mentality so I am aware, god. I am aware....but at times willingly subject myself for the sake of...something. Because I do have self respect...had I not last weeks events wouldn't have bothered me so much...but then had he come back said how much he loved me he only wanted to help his friend out and the gear cost him and after all......any kinds of excuses I probably would've swallowed.

Yes, I support sex workers rights....but middle class women who muck about sexually to empower themselves then project onto everyone who does this......it does not always feel empowering...but then I won't go to the opposite, with me it can be in between....sometimes I have been fine but other times it has felt like bribery if the guys are shit, payment for accepting abuse...in which case I want them out asap and I show them, they get less of an act....it is true I should do this for my own benefit if I must...and if the consequences of this mean sacrificing a personal life....I can't do that but I can't stop right now....like the other day when someone had goods I said I can't handle the work..he said I had better else no dust, I said just take my pain away. I got tic on the condition I would continue....to pay the price for killing my pain in order to kill my pain which I must pay the price for...

It is not just the work for....it goes deeper. The ups last year is maybe what I miss...but drugs alone will not bring them back....but I cannot grieve for what may be my loss because I was willing to do what in someone's eyes lowered me........now that hurts. I want the pain to stop....why I wanted to be in control a while back. Lack of capital means lack of power, those with capital have power......

There is something deeply sick here....why I never had a dog or feel totally ok with one. A subjected animal, a pack herd one (wolf) pretending you are the leader. I have heard people speak of each other like this.....good god where is this going...but he hates the fact I debase myself so....I am bloody censoring myself now lest....I have already said too much and if I by accident get anyone into trouble...but I won't there are bigger fish to fry than who some pathetic little crack/coke whore gets her drugs from....patronising shits. I say openly I choose to do what I do etc....spend my money that way it just gets a wee bit painful at times dealing with the consequences....

so did a lot of other shit that was not my fault but is easily transferred....I sometimes feel I am nothing but a burden, especially when I am equated negatively with pther people.....when I have helped him, been the only one he can rely on at times when at others a selfish bitch just absorbed with her own issues why don't I think of him for a change or someone else....I say I always think of him...look at what I do. But it all reduces down to wanting to help my nose.....I can't deny part of it is that but hell I needed to live at the end of the day...had I not been stupid or deluded myself there would be no personal cost I would have thought twice...according to him I like it really, set myself up for it....on some level it is true cos what do I expect? There aint many men who would take it.....I have not been naive. It takes a fair amount for someone to get into my head...and the use of chemicals work. I should contact my potential client who wanted a dominatrix who would get him addicted to coke in order to control him.....aint brain chemistry fascinating? It doesn't take much, and some people's weak spots are vulnerable.

I have been told I secretly like it....if I really did why is my nose so fucked as people occasionally notice who are not naive there is something about that shit I have been sniffing lately that aint too bad but it sure is bashed with something that does not absorb well...but there is a sub theme that does like it...Such as the guy who chatted me up online once. He said he was a dom and had subs who were willing slaves...in his own words they 'whored for him' and loved it he could tell I was sub and loved it....if it is an agreed game fairplay but how far do you take things? I am lonely is the truth....and my own worst enemy. I should be more self reliant, stronger....I feel a twat having let myself and others down in so many ways, becoming such an easy person to point the finger at, an easy symbol of what is wrong with everyone I know...with a human face....should I drop the latter and be cold, totally?

Seems maybe so, I get more cynical at the depths...it seems all it boils down to is the need for more cash which the hurt at drives me to more cash to get more drugs.....saw a guy who could see my nose was fucked and brought some coke out...he said something about him wanted to explore it....shame it didn't work that way and he ended up not receiving as first he was unable to then so was I after gabbing away and then not being able to smoke lest his wife smelt in.....I bloody spilt my drink too. I screwed up badly but that's what happens when strangers give me strong stuff and buy more on top...or I do. Stupid I am, I could have earnt but I am greedy, having dropped a bag in my pocket. This dude was shocked at the size of my lines and said maybe if you have crap gear....but is average for here, this country I guess and over £100 a gram is too much....you cannot get pure cocaine in this country and those who think I am dumb enough to think their shit is pure...so how can they say it is am I totally dumb? I should shut the fuck up now no wonder I am a nightmare depends what mood I am in...The kindness of strangers cannot always be relied upon...I need a friend. Someone confided in me earlier about not being over a relationship when an ex left me two years ago....I have moved on and he aint....but moved on where?

This spiral of despair is ludicrous....I did what I do to support mine and someone else's stupid habit.....god knows what to say....was I on smack I wouldn't be bothered I'd just drift into unconsciousness and then the thing on my mind the next day would be avoiding physical agony....mental illness is more subjective but it hurts and I sure aint right....I am sick as hell or will feel it...before I have my medicine. I do what it takes to get it.....and enjoy it if I get off my face, other times it just stops me hurting. Getting off my face is awkward, can go right or wrong. ..it is times like this I think nice have a bit of heroin to relax come down with...get high while relaxing too. But that stuff....I don't want to go there.

I came home tonight because the person I was with...a non smoker and I lost my gear turned it was at the bottom of my bag but I was not allowed to smoke in the house....anyone who is a smoker and has ever done coke knows you should not give smokers coke expect them not to smoke or want to...but my oral fixation increased my nervous energy and I gabbed away ended spilling my drink at which point I had to say I must get home. See even when I am home I have to be real tired in order to sleep...I am becoming real real crap at my job truly. I gonna expose myself as a fuck up soon or someone real...I promised that jerk of a pimp my pics earlier and forgot...maybe I should say it was something to do with...one of his establishments and me not wanting to do what they do being fucked up the arse or having guys squirt in my mouth....oh to hell.....I was going to write of a few things earlier.....

I wish I was not alone tonight. I wish I'd spent the night with...god he might have left me here anyhow...I am sick of censoring myself sick of hurting....but when I go far enough I know what perhaps I never truly got over what some people never get over...bloody why I do not wish to reproduce and put this spiral onto another generation..and people think I am strange for that reason......I am fucked more than some but certain thing I see too clear...wrap me in a haze just blot this....I am sick of knowing all while knowing nothing. There is no real answer to the question why. What is simply is, fuck all we can do at times. Get on with it or stop whinging unless you can jump of a spiral staircase....I cannot jump off stairs without breaking my neck. I must climb, see each day as one small step up rather than down....just don't let me confuse getting high with a genuine feeling of progress...I know too well getting high is temporary and I feel it too much after I go too far.....Ups and downs can be like seasons, general or temporary. Was the up last year worth this general downer? I could say was seeing stars, is seeing heaven worth seeing hell? I would say perhaps...yes. Life is for living, and if you get light you will see darkness. Despite my problems there is much I don't regret about the use of drugs.....to a degree they have given me a different perspective that I may not otherwise have...made me see things within that I may not otherwise know......I just have to learn a few things like when to stop being destructive.....but when I am so down and despair at silence...when it seems people only want me when I have something they can look at....perhaps the heart they once claimed to love is dead.....or maybe pain is what reminds me I live....a reason to go on maybe.....Hell I should've eaten earlier something apart from a yoghurt explains why I feel crap after drinking. I can see what happens to people who talk to nobody...some things have been killing me but a few get hard to talk about and that is where a lot of it lies....this is the only place I have. I begged him not to take this from me when he tried to get me to delete all...hell this could be anything....I can put a disclaimer on everything if it is so much of a 'soap opera'.

Meanwhile....I wished I didn't feel so done in. It just hurts, but where do I go? The truth is...things were not always like this. Ok so I failed to help someone, but was I in a position to, he said he tried to help me but has given up since...if he wanted someone to help stop his habit I was not ideal...and I knew a man with a bigger habit than me...would not be likely to help if I wanted to use....if somebody did not have such a big problem maybe...but I was not that strong. Why do I feel so responsible then such a failure? I 'set myself up' for all this as it secretly turns me on as I am sexually sub, a masochist who loves to beg....one theory. I am stupid because I would've got my own stuff...but that does not stop other people fucking up...but with goods you can always rely somewhat lest you are fool enough to do everything in and resort to..whatever. I have no choice but resorting, and those who have capital look down....I want to be equal I can do without power games....I am sick of all of it. I just want to be...honest....I need a lot of things I could've done with more money fuck it but it all went....as I failed to do my bloody work right. Was I cold....but I aint. I don't want to break, burn out....I leave myself vulnerable and I shouldn't. I get tired of people thinking of me as dirt...and these are the times I do care, when someone finds it shameful to be associated with me...although they may not be thought of as much better....if sexuality is your soul (I don't believe so I have met people who think selling your mind is worse than your body, sex....I would agree)...but if one is property there is more worth in being that of one than of many, private rather than common....I don't think anyone belongs to someone.....each is their own and you can 'share' nobody as propery....I get sick of proving that I don't invest my heart and soul into every sexual act......any more than any act. I wish somebody would listen...why I felt unable to work tonight. I feel bad and I got paranoid....I tried but after a bit.....anything is only worth what you emotionally invest, if somebody tells me something does not truly mean anything.... I believe them...

I got uncomfortable when I had a woman round with the idea of working together..she had her husband with her and he was a perve, looking at pics of other women on the internet, then asking did I want a threesome he would pay....she said she aint paying again....He propositioned me again asking would I do alone in the day....Nyet. She didn't mind or claimed not to as they had an open relationship...but I think deep down she did. How fucked up.....he claimed to feel fine with what his wife does, I remarked it has caused issues with my personal relationships....apparently a man who is fine like he is with it is rarity...good or bad? I felt discomfited with him...make what you will. How mixed up this is...the topic of a bad b movie. I bet it aint fucking his head so much...he probably cares less for me cos I get silence that did my head in tonight.....

1 comment:

  1. I don't fully understand the new obsession in my country with these soccer moms/ivy league students by day/"escorts" by night bullshit, either. Everyone in my neck of the woods got hooked on the subject after a series of highly publicized scandals emerged involving these types of women...I don't get it.
    oh, and fake boobs suck. I don't care how tiny or huge n' saggy a pair are, I'd rather suck on a real tit that I have to lift off of a girl's lap than feel like I'm fondling a grapefruit that's been warmed in a microwave....
    that's my two cents on that...lol

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